SILENTLY MINING FOR GOLD

Well, so, nevertheless.... etc.

Listening to the latest "Infants on Thrones" episode about "The Lost Book of Mormon" which is a book written by Avi Schonberg (?), the episode ends with one Infant allowing a fellow Infant to "wallow" in his forgetfulness (he had lost track of the point he had been making), and the first Infant referred to his silence (i.e., allowing the 2nd Infant to "wallow" in his forgetfulness) as "silently mining for gold."

Ya see.... the first Infant is the editor of the episodes, and the 2nd Infant accuses him of "never editing anything out."  Hence, "silently mining for gold."

And that's what I'm doing with David's Nevada Mine.  Waiting until someone else moves forward with the actual mining process.... to mine the gold, and save me from my bankruptcy.

But I can't dwell on that too long, or I'll get even more depressed.  So I'm going to re-listen to the episode.  After all, these geniuses admit to listening to various podcasts 2nd and even 3rd times... apparently so they can "get it" better.  Or analyze it better.  Or converse about it better.  Or maybe even learn something of value and permanence... better.

Here goes.

WRITING IN GENERAL

Here we go.

JOURNAL WRITING
Listened to podcast featuring Bob McCue, who says that telling one's story is important and key to a difficult transition in life:
1.  Coming out as a gay man
2.  Leaving Mormonism
3.  Growing into maturity

I've felt for years that it's important, but I haven't developed a long-term habit of journal writing, nor have I become a writer of any kind.

PREVENTING TRUTH DECAY
I love this title I read on Cary Harrison's website.  I wonder if he coined it, or if he borrowed it.  But I love it.  I think that if I tell my story, it HAS to be the TRUTH.

However, there are some problems with this.
a.  I can be assured that what I think now, I can record truthfully.
b.  I'm not so sure that I can record accurately what I've experienced since I was born.  I can probably come close.
c.  I'm quite embarrassed to tell the 100% truth about my life, since if this becomes a public journal, my children and other relatives will have access to it.  I HATE that I can't tell the whole honest truth, and that has been the most detrimental factor in NOT regularly writing my story.

I've considered two journals - one for me personally, and one for the rest of the world.  But that seems quite disingenuous of me.  And not 100% honest.

This morning as I thought about c. above, I actually cried at what a dilemma I've created for myself.
It could be that I should not write anything, and begin today.  Or it could be that I should tell 100% everything to myself, WITHOUT the idea of anyone else reading it ever.  I wonder if doing that would have the same effect.  I'm guessing that it wouldn't.

I wish I had been taught to tell the truth when I was young.  It's so very hard to write even one sentence right now without wondering if it is 100% true, or not.

FINANCES & CAREER
Life is not easy for me right now.  I'm feeling so much angst over money.  Or lack thereof.  Some feeling surfaces now and then that "everything will work out."  But most of the time, I'm either dreading financial ruin, or I'm in denial of it.  HELP!  I pray every morning for help on how to move forward, and nothing in the way of a divine message ever becomes evident.  I think about what I should do regarding income, and always trace my earlier "arguments" about what I should do:  I want to avoid "corporate america" since it would require me to be less than honest about my product (e.g., software).  I want to work with people who accept me as a gay out man.  I want to focus on DGT's potential offer, since it offers me the opportunity to
a.  Get out of debt (hopefully fairly quickly)
b.  Work with someone who loves me & wants me
c.  Gives me the chance to use my financial & people skills
d.  Help less advantaged people pursue their dreams.

FAMILY & MORMONISM
I really, really HATE the situation right now that does not "allow" me to speak my mind 100% to my children.  I know the LDS church is a fraud, and I hate that they are "in it" and are continuing the inter-generational succession of Mormonism with their kids.

Well, this post has been 100% true.  I don't know myself 100%, but I'm closer than I ever have been before.  I've considered talking again to a counselor of some kind, but it costs money, and I don't have any extra right now.


LATER THIS SAME DAY.....

Listening lately to several podcast places:
1.  Infants on Thrones
2.  Mormon Expression
3.  Mormon Stories (although I'd listened to many of these about a year ago or so)

It's filling up my time, which is majorly flexible and full of availability for the last 2-3 years, while I wait for the call from David Timpson.  It's been hard to do nothing (essentially nothing; I do work a few hours a week for Dr. Pruitt, and I volunteer even less for The Lavender Effect).

I'm also eathing both healthy & not healthy:  Eating celery & apples a lot, and fruit smoothies every other day.... but also ice cream & M&Ms & cookies.  Sigh.

It's hard to stay on a healthy diet when my roommate is much heavier, so I feel "ok" about eating fattening foods.

AND, I'm now doing my exercise routine fairly regularly..... it's not a fat burner, but it does give me agility:
flexing hands & feet, shoulder wheels, sit ups and pushups.

So..... here I am, writing again.  Don't know what to write.