Subtitle for this post:
PREGNANT with thoughts about PREGNANCY and a particular PHONE CALL
Lying in bed last night, and again this morning, I helplessly focused on:
* David's call, which I was told last week would come today.
* Lisa's baby, Ian Kenneth, which was due on June 18.
* Ross & Carrie's analysis of Scientology (9 podcast sessions!) which served mainly to distract me from obsessing on the two items above
* A fleeting thought that Dr. Pruitt had said I was "ready to conduct a group session" - I'm not sure he was serious, but if he was, I'm not too prepared. I anticipate (if he says I should try it) that I will not measure up enough to make him feel confident enough to let me go ahead on my own. IOW, I'm not ready.
So, today is pregnant with waiting for the call from David, and for the call from Lisa/Rodney. And here I lie, filling the minutes with this post, and with thoughts that come to me - who knows why, how, or from where - about these issues above, and about countless others (e.g., Sagan's "A Demon Haunted World" which I have not yet completed. In fact, I've started it several times, and have only reached about 20 pages.)
I'm so DAMN analytical!! I wonder what the author means, and why s/he chose particular words, and then my eyes remind me I need help, so I try on several different pairs of glasses, and wonder if I'm doing the best thing by reading for any length of time with certain glasses..... etc. And this makes me fatigued, and eventually sleepy, so I criticize myself for NOT having developed good reading habits, and here I am with a "library" of unread, but mostly partially-read books. And then I wonder why, what it could mean....
As Bill Laursen said to me, "You're not dumb." - a phrase that has stuck with me. If not dumb, WHAT, exactly am I?
I can figure out what words to use here, and I can express my thoughts fairly well, most of the time.
But then I'm led to wonder if those thoughts are really what is significant/meaningful/true for me..... or are they merely randomly "selected" by some dimension of my being..... or WHAT???
*sigh*
Meanwhile, back at REALITY:
I've been filling time with a combination of meaningful and meaningless activity, until David's call comes.... which I perceive (at least for now) will be....
The beginning of my REAL REASON FOR LIVING, as far as my career goes.
I spent decades in sales/management in security and software....... and collecting a paycheck for it. But they were never my passion, or dream.... except for when I FORCED them to be. (e.g., my affirmation when I worked for DKM: "I, Ken Taylor, am a highly successful Syteline Software Sales Representative." and "People buy software from me.")
But all that was contrived. It was based on what "came down the road" for me at the time, rather than a thoughtful selection of a fitting, appropriate and meaningful career activity.
So, now.......
I've thought about working with/for David, and yes, HIS OFFER also "came down the road" and it was not the result of a thoughtful selection. BUT..... on analysis, I can see that if fills many of the requirements I have for a fitting, appropriate and meaningful career activity for me. And here they are:
1. I will be working at something that will benefit others. (When my father asked me what I'd like to do with my life, I replied, "I want to help others.")
2. The idea of being a consultant resonates with me, in general.
3. My long career in SALES has taught me that I really wish I could be on the OTHER side of the negotiation table at which deals are struck. I want to be BUYING, and to have someone try to convince me that what they're selling is good.
4. I will be able to eliminate my debt quite quickly, since it involves a fairly healthy compensation.
5. I can be completely myself (a gay man) and still be loved and accepted by everyone.
6. I have some skill/expertise in the business world that I can use, to benefit the company.
7. I have some experience in non-profits that will be of benefit to the company.
8. I can FINALLY give of my resources more freely to others.
So, as of this moment (AOTM), these are the reasons I look forward to FINALLY, and HOPEFULLY receiving a call from David today, letting me know that the GOCH! money has begun to flow.
We shall see.
Monday, June 20, 2016
ROSS AND CARRIE ON SCIENTOLOGY
In Episode III, at approx. 11 minutes, Ross says he explained what his perceptions of the MIND are:
"The materialist view that the MIND is what the BRAIN does."
Hmmmmm.
I need to explore the MATERIALIST VIEW more.
From Wikipedia:
Materialism is a form of philosophical monism which holds that matter is the fundamental substance in nature, and that all phenomena, including mental phenomena and consciousness, are results of material interactions. Materialism is closely related to physicalism, the view that all that exists is ultimately physical.
I believe that Joseph Smith stated that spirit is simply refined matter. That sounds like Physicalism to me.
I'm guessing that I CAN'T do the following.... but I somehow BELIEVE in it:
Since everything is atoms, including sub-atomic particles......
* when I look at or listen to something I perceive as "beautiful" (sunrise, sunset, flowers, new-born baby, art, tenors singing, a symphony, etc.), I know that it is comprised of atoms.
* when I look at or listen to something I perceive as "ugly" (decaying animal, dusty basement, putrid water, screeching metalic sounds, etc.), I know it is comprised of atoms.
So why lust after one, and turn away from the other?
It follows that my eyes/brain/memory system ALSO is comprised of atoms, so that makes the question even more poignant to me: WHY do I respond as I do?
Another thought: I should be able to see beauty and ugliness in ALL things at ALL times, sine they are ALL atoms.
20160620: I added the atomic discussion to yesterday's post.
"The materialist view that the MIND is what the BRAIN does."
Hmmmmm.
I need to explore the MATERIALIST VIEW more.
From Wikipedia:
Materialism is a form of philosophical monism which holds that matter is the fundamental substance in nature, and that all phenomena, including mental phenomena and consciousness, are results of material interactions. Materialism is closely related to physicalism, the view that all that exists is ultimately physical.
I believe that Joseph Smith stated that spirit is simply refined matter. That sounds like Physicalism to me.
I'm guessing that I CAN'T do the following.... but I somehow BELIEVE in it:
Since everything is atoms, including sub-atomic particles......
* when I look at or listen to something I perceive as "beautiful" (sunrise, sunset, flowers, new-born baby, art, tenors singing, a symphony, etc.), I know that it is comprised of atoms.
* when I look at or listen to something I perceive as "ugly" (decaying animal, dusty basement, putrid water, screeching metalic sounds, etc.), I know it is comprised of atoms.
So why lust after one, and turn away from the other?
It follows that my eyes/brain/memory system ALSO is comprised of atoms, so that makes the question even more poignant to me: WHY do I respond as I do?
Another thought: I should be able to see beauty and ugliness in ALL things at ALL times, sine they are ALL atoms.
20160620: I added the atomic discussion to yesterday's post.
Saturday, June 18, 2016
NAKED MORMONISM - TRENT NOTES
20160618
Podcast host Bryce Blankenagel talks to a person named Trent
Left LDS church at 18, in Michigan
Asked himself "What do I believe?"
At 20, read "Conversations with God" - which told him that Mormonism happened; described it as "free writing" and a transcription. (I attempted to read "Conversations with God" several years ago, but it didn't take hold, I never finished it.)
Later, read "A Course in Miracles" - makes your brain work to try to understand it, and if you do, you'll likely believe it; 1st step is to accept that everything around you is not real; he never finished the course.
Bryce mentions *****"God's Debris" (2001) - a book; a fictional philosophical work by Scott Adams (creator of Dilbert cartoons)
Settled on Buddhism b/c it asked the least of a person; simply 3 jewels/levels.
*****"Ancient Aliens Debunked" - documentary by a believer
*****"What the Bleep do we know?" - quantum theory - e.g., crime rate supposedly dropped by mass prayer - NOT TRUE.
*****"An Honest Liar" on Netflix by James Randi.
*****Psychic debunking videos / Youtube
Books: *****Faith Healers - Peter Poppoff
NOW: Critical of Buddhism, but it's hard b/c they say "if you don't believe it, don't believe it."
e.g., The 4 Noble Truths: 1) Suffering always exists, 2) There is a cause for suffering; karma. 3) There is a path out of suffering 4) There is peace; freedom from suffering. You understand suffering (nirvana, enlightment).
Got Buddhist new name: did stuff to become member of temple (Buddhist Society for Compassionate Wisdom); it was "ha-u" meaning "I am a fool" - took it as a "badge of honor." New name has 3 meanings: outward, inward, _______.
James Randi - magic - CRITICAL THINKING - SKEPTICISM (YouTube debunker)
Randi was debunking pseudo-magic & mentalism of the 18/19 centuries (Joseph Smith included)
*****Derren Brown - expert mentalist (Arizona) - there's a video - teaches all the tricks (British): does one on faith healing, one on marketing logo creation - had already drawn the logo.
Harm resulting from Woo: Exploitation - give money.
e.g. faith healers who have no power; person loses money & dies anyway.
e.g. good honest people who have beliefs can still be harmed by negative repercussions of believing
Epistemic responsibility = *****Crash Course (on Youtube - their Philosophy Channel)
--> People are responsible for the actions of the people who believe the same way that they do. <--
e.g., merchant has trading ship needs repairs: a) sent out anyway, sank, merchant is RESPONSIBLE for the loss of cargo & lives or b) ship made it in spite of needed repairs.
Epistemic responsibility says the merchant is RESPONSIBLE for the POSSIBLE DEATHS & LOSS of the people who sailed with him (even if it didn't actually happen).
e.g., holy books contain very clear hate & bigotry & violence, and holy people tell you "we do NOT hate, we LOVE our brothers" etc.
Epistemic responsibility says the holy people are RESPONSIBLE for the actions of the people who believe them (e.g., someone who might kill a homosexual).
(Debunks chiropractors, acupuncturists who make medical diagnoses)
Holistic medicine - NOT mystical.
***** Sawbones - podcast
Dr. Oz -
***** David Avacado Wolf
Family History: John Lyttle (Little?) body guard to Joseph Smith
James Godson Blake had 3rd wife.....
Says the people who migrated from UK to UT had a different perspective on death: no complaining, no emotion about deaths, short entries in journals about life, but LONG entries about spiritual things.
This non-emotional response to deaths has carried over to modern-day Mormons (in some cases).
Boat --> train --> hand carts.
(This is a personal account of the hardships endured by Trent's ancestors. But, necessarily, he must point out that they were pointless, since the beliefs of his ancestors are/were based on Woo - as is/was the entire message of Joseph Smith.)
What gets you out of bed, what keeps you going, Trent? (since you're out of TSCC)
* coffee
* search for truth
favorite podcasts:
* Oh No Ross & Carrie: - on scientology (9 part), on mormonism (2 parts, they converted)
* Glass Box: Bryce B on origins of the Book of Mormon
advice:
Learn philosophy, learn critical thinking
(I really really really got tired of "absolutely" and "amazing" everything)
Podcast host Bryce Blankenagel talks to a person named Trent
Left LDS church at 18, in Michigan
Asked himself "What do I believe?"
At 20, read "Conversations with God" - which told him that Mormonism happened; described it as "free writing" and a transcription. (I attempted to read "Conversations with God" several years ago, but it didn't take hold, I never finished it.)
Later, read "A Course in Miracles" - makes your brain work to try to understand it, and if you do, you'll likely believe it; 1st step is to accept that everything around you is not real; he never finished the course.
Bryce mentions *****"God's Debris" (2001) - a book; a fictional philosophical work by Scott Adams (creator of Dilbert cartoons)
Settled on Buddhism b/c it asked the least of a person; simply 3 jewels/levels.
*****"Ancient Aliens Debunked" - documentary by a believer
*****"What the Bleep do we know?" - quantum theory - e.g., crime rate supposedly dropped by mass prayer - NOT TRUE.
*****"An Honest Liar" on Netflix by James Randi.
*****Psychic debunking videos / Youtube
Books: *****Faith Healers - Peter Poppoff
NOW: Critical of Buddhism, but it's hard b/c they say "if you don't believe it, don't believe it."
e.g., The 4 Noble Truths: 1) Suffering always exists, 2) There is a cause for suffering; karma. 3) There is a path out of suffering 4) There is peace; freedom from suffering. You understand suffering (nirvana, enlightment).
Got Buddhist new name: did stuff to become member of temple (Buddhist Society for Compassionate Wisdom); it was "ha-u" meaning "I am a fool" - took it as a "badge of honor." New name has 3 meanings: outward, inward, _______.
James Randi - magic - CRITICAL THINKING - SKEPTICISM (YouTube debunker)
Randi was debunking pseudo-magic & mentalism of the 18/19 centuries (Joseph Smith included)
*****Derren Brown - expert mentalist (Arizona) - there's a video - teaches all the tricks (British): does one on faith healing, one on marketing logo creation - had already drawn the logo.
Harm resulting from Woo: Exploitation - give money.
e.g. faith healers who have no power; person loses money & dies anyway.
e.g. good honest people who have beliefs can still be harmed by negative repercussions of believing
Epistemic responsibility = *****Crash Course (on Youtube - their Philosophy Channel)
--> People are responsible for the actions of the people who believe the same way that they do. <--
e.g., merchant has trading ship needs repairs: a) sent out anyway, sank, merchant is RESPONSIBLE for the loss of cargo & lives or b) ship made it in spite of needed repairs.
Epistemic responsibility says the merchant is RESPONSIBLE for the POSSIBLE DEATHS & LOSS of the people who sailed with him (even if it didn't actually happen).
e.g., holy books contain very clear hate & bigotry & violence, and holy people tell you "we do NOT hate, we LOVE our brothers" etc.
Epistemic responsibility says the holy people are RESPONSIBLE for the actions of the people who believe them (e.g., someone who might kill a homosexual).
(Debunks chiropractors, acupuncturists who make medical diagnoses)
Holistic medicine - NOT mystical.
***** Sawbones - podcast
Dr. Oz -
***** David Avacado Wolf
Family History: John Lyttle (Little?) body guard to Joseph Smith
James Godson Blake had 3rd wife.....
Says the people who migrated from UK to UT had a different perspective on death: no complaining, no emotion about deaths, short entries in journals about life, but LONG entries about spiritual things.
This non-emotional response to deaths has carried over to modern-day Mormons (in some cases).
Boat --> train --> hand carts.
(This is a personal account of the hardships endured by Trent's ancestors. But, necessarily, he must point out that they were pointless, since the beliefs of his ancestors are/were based on Woo - as is/was the entire message of Joseph Smith.)
What gets you out of bed, what keeps you going, Trent? (since you're out of TSCC)
* coffee
* search for truth
favorite podcasts:
* Oh No Ross & Carrie: - on scientology (9 part), on mormonism (2 parts, they converted)
* Glass Box: Bryce B on origins of the Book of Mormon
advice:
Learn philosophy, learn critical thinking
(I really really really got tired of "absolutely" and "amazing" everything)
Thursday, June 16, 2016
ORLANDO MASSACRE & DEATH
Sunday Morning
Rodney saw me in the hall and asked if I'd heard the news. I hadn't.
"No. What happened?" I asked him with forboding.
He said, "You should. There was a mass shooting in Orlando."
Lisa knew, and we talked about it throughout the day.
I recall that I could not emote. I'm guessing I was in shock. Lisa cried openly.
A few days later (last night), there were interviews of people who'd lost friends and loved ones. One could not cry, but another sobbed through his description. The CNN person later interviewed a psychologist (?) who was involved in securing counselling sessions for these people. The psychologist said the stoic survivor would likely need more help. The weepy survivor was processing his grief well.
So I wondered about me. I didn't cry on Sunday. But last night, I wept with the weepy survivor. And every time I thought about their loss. And every time I thought about the whole tragic event.
But now, it's 3:47 am, and I'm not weeping. I'm coughing - and it's keeping me awake. DAMMIT!
So, the list of deaths in my life lately:
1. Bill Laursen's father (Brigham City)
2. John Williams (SLC)
3. Greg Holcolm (Huntington Beach)
4. 49 gay & straight friends at PULSE (Orlando)
5. A 2-year-old boy killed by an alligator at Disney Resort (Orlando)
I know.... people die every day, every second.
Death is a permanent, one-way street. Or so it seems.
I'd love to attempt to fulfill at least a part of a real dream in my life before I die.
Maybe later today, I'll start.
Rodney saw me in the hall and asked if I'd heard the news. I hadn't.
"No. What happened?" I asked him with forboding.
He said, "You should. There was a mass shooting in Orlando."
Lisa knew, and we talked about it throughout the day.
I recall that I could not emote. I'm guessing I was in shock. Lisa cried openly.
A few days later (last night), there were interviews of people who'd lost friends and loved ones. One could not cry, but another sobbed through his description. The CNN person later interviewed a psychologist (?) who was involved in securing counselling sessions for these people. The psychologist said the stoic survivor would likely need more help. The weepy survivor was processing his grief well.
So I wondered about me. I didn't cry on Sunday. But last night, I wept with the weepy survivor. And every time I thought about their loss. And every time I thought about the whole tragic event.
But now, it's 3:47 am, and I'm not weeping. I'm coughing - and it's keeping me awake. DAMMIT!
So, the list of deaths in my life lately:
1. Bill Laursen's father (Brigham City)
2. John Williams (SLC)
3. Greg Holcolm (Huntington Beach)
4. 49 gay & straight friends at PULSE (Orlando)
5. A 2-year-old boy killed by an alligator at Disney Resort (Orlando)
I know.... people die every day, every second.
Death is a permanent, one-way street. Or so it seems.
I'd love to attempt to fulfill at least a part of a real dream in my life before I die.
Maybe later today, I'll start.
SALIVIC/SINUS WATERBOARDING
It's 3:21 AM, Thursday, June 16.
The IDES OF JUNE, as I defined it 2 weeks ago, is today.
I can't sleep, and I'm wondering why.
Possible reasons:
1. Ate too late. Nope... not last night.
2. Anticipation of a call from DT about his deal. Most likely.
3. SALIVIC/SINUS WATERBOARDING. Definitely. This is a "conition" I have which can happen day or night. But when it happens at night, I choke, cough and "drown" on a waterfall of sinus drainage, mixed with saliva. The coughing leads me necessarily sit up in bed and to swear at God between gasps.
I imagine how I'll describe this to Dr. Turando in 2 weeks, when I have my annual physical at Kaiser. Or IF.
I sleep with my window wide open. I wonder if my townhouse neighbors can hear me. Oh well, I suppose they think I'm a smoker or something. Maybe I have throat cancer that ISN'T caused by smoking. Who knows?
Anyway, I can't sleep, so my mind is running all over the known cosmos.
Two black holes collided, causing a detectable cosmic ripple in our gravitational waves (this was predicted by Einstein 100 years ago, and only recently proven to be real). Well, they described it as if we were wobbling slightly on some cosmic jello.
I wonder if our planet will some day be swallowed by a black hole whirlpool, and THAT will be the end of us.
It doesn't appear that that is likely to happen any time soon.
I have a hard time imagining that we're here by chance.... but then, I also have a hard time conceiving of what the cosmos was like billions of years ago.
COSMOS - my all-inclusive term for where we are. Universe, galaxie, solar system...... all within the Cosmos - for me, anyway.
I can't say "UNIVERSE" because we now have alternate universes to think about.
So that's that.
The IDES OF JUNE, as I defined it 2 weeks ago, is today.
I can't sleep, and I'm wondering why.
Possible reasons:
1. Ate too late. Nope... not last night.
2. Anticipation of a call from DT about his deal. Most likely.
3. SALIVIC/SINUS WATERBOARDING. Definitely. This is a "conition" I have which can happen day or night. But when it happens at night, I choke, cough and "drown" on a waterfall of sinus drainage, mixed with saliva. The coughing leads me necessarily sit up in bed and to swear at God between gasps.
I imagine how I'll describe this to Dr. Turando in 2 weeks, when I have my annual physical at Kaiser. Or IF.
I sleep with my window wide open. I wonder if my townhouse neighbors can hear me. Oh well, I suppose they think I'm a smoker or something. Maybe I have throat cancer that ISN'T caused by smoking. Who knows?
Anyway, I can't sleep, so my mind is running all over the known cosmos.
Two black holes collided, causing a detectable cosmic ripple in our gravitational waves (this was predicted by Einstein 100 years ago, and only recently proven to be real). Well, they described it as if we were wobbling slightly on some cosmic jello.
I wonder if our planet will some day be swallowed by a black hole whirlpool, and THAT will be the end of us.
It doesn't appear that that is likely to happen any time soon.
I have a hard time imagining that we're here by chance.... but then, I also have a hard time conceiving of what the cosmos was like billions of years ago.
COSMOS - my all-inclusive term for where we are. Universe, galaxie, solar system...... all within the Cosmos - for me, anyway.
I can't say "UNIVERSE" because we now have alternate universes to think about.
So that's that.
Thursday, June 2, 2016
THE IDES OF JUNE 2016
Today I texted Joe, and Lisa, and David. Three of the most important people in my life.
All 3 of them have an important event coming up in mid-June.
Lisa will, of course, have her baby boy, Ian Kenneth (I hope) Ashton.
Joe will (hopefully) receive word from Soka University about his new job.
And I will (hopefully) receive word from David that the GOCH! funding has begun.
THE IDES OF JUNE can't come too soon,
Not for any of us three.
Lisa will be one again, and also 5 Ashtons.
Joe will begin living his career/dream, while helping Chrissy to live hers.
And I will FINALLY begin to develop my own dream. A REAL one, this time.
The IDES OF JUNE can't come too soon.
All 3 of them have an important event coming up in mid-June.
Lisa will, of course, have her baby boy, Ian Kenneth (I hope) Ashton.
Joe will (hopefully) receive word from Soka University about his new job.
And I will (hopefully) receive word from David that the GOCH! funding has begun.
THE IDES OF JUNE can't come too soon,
Not for any of us three.
Lisa will be one again, and also 5 Ashtons.
Joe will begin living his career/dream, while helping Chrissy to live hers.
And I will FINALLY begin to develop my own dream. A REAL one, this time.
The IDES OF JUNE can't come too soon.
WAR
(watching ROOTS final episode)
I hate war. Oh My GOD how I hate war.
I've never been in it. But GOD how I hate war.
I don't deserve to be free, but GOD how I HATE war.
I don't know much about nothin', but GOD HOW I HATE WAR!
I HATE IT!
Reunion of family, thought possibly lost, is sweet.
But made sweet by that bastard WAR!
WHY must we do that? We ought to outgrow it.
I thought we might have, once there were nuclear weapons.
And I thought so again when George HW Bush found a way to achieve a victory WITHOUT fighting.
Is fignting in our blood? Killing?
I hope not. I PRAY not.
I long for a peaceful society in which we can build each other up.
Not kill.
Neither my father nor my mother fought. But their sons Dan and Tom and Jack wore US military uniforms. Only Dan actually fought in a war.
But Bob, Kathy, Peggy, Millie and I did NOT fight. We didn't wear military uniforms. We just enjoy the freedoms defended and/or fought for by our brothers.
I'm feeling guilty for not having served/fought. And I'm ashamed and devastated by what my ancestral white peers did to Blacks and Indians. There is no justification for any of it.
NONE.
I used to think of myself as a soldier in the army of God. But what a laugh that is now. I was as green as they come, and never learned anything of value about "fighting" for a cause. What a waste. I was never any kind of soldier.
I just enjoy the freedoms fought for by Dan and others.
What a shameful life.
-----------------------
To a newborn, being held up to the stars at night: "Take a look at the ONLY THING GREATER THAN YOU!"
I hate war. Oh My GOD how I hate war.
I've never been in it. But GOD how I hate war.
I don't deserve to be free, but GOD how I HATE war.
I don't know much about nothin', but GOD HOW I HATE WAR!
I HATE IT!
Reunion of family, thought possibly lost, is sweet.
But made sweet by that bastard WAR!
WHY must we do that? We ought to outgrow it.
I thought we might have, once there were nuclear weapons.
And I thought so again when George HW Bush found a way to achieve a victory WITHOUT fighting.
Is fignting in our blood? Killing?
I hope not. I PRAY not.
I long for a peaceful society in which we can build each other up.
Not kill.
Neither my father nor my mother fought. But their sons Dan and Tom and Jack wore US military uniforms. Only Dan actually fought in a war.
But Bob, Kathy, Peggy, Millie and I did NOT fight. We didn't wear military uniforms. We just enjoy the freedoms defended and/or fought for by our brothers.
I'm feeling guilty for not having served/fought. And I'm ashamed and devastated by what my ancestral white peers did to Blacks and Indians. There is no justification for any of it.
NONE.
I used to think of myself as a soldier in the army of God. But what a laugh that is now. I was as green as they come, and never learned anything of value about "fighting" for a cause. What a waste. I was never any kind of soldier.
I just enjoy the freedoms fought for by Dan and others.
What a shameful life.
-----------------------
To a newborn, being held up to the stars at night: "Take a look at the ONLY THING GREATER THAN YOU!"
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