More footballs removed before I dream.
SHIT.
Friday, March 30, 2018
Wednesday, March 21, 2018
20180321 THERE'S LIFE AFTER LOSING YOUR DREAM
In spite of David's assurances, I still feel like my dream died on Monday (3/19), when he called to say they were not going to wait for Michael to call with $$ news.
I had given up, but to hear it from David was emotionally devastating.
So, in his call, he told me I was still part of the "core" of the mine project. I constantly ask myself WHY? but at the same time, I'm totally grateful to him for including me.
He says it's David, Jeannie, Byron, and me. ??????? I haven't really done ANYthing to merit being a financial participant. So I offered to send some money (from my 401K) as appropriate. He said he'd let me know.
But by FAR, the death of my dream is the worst part of this time.
DEAD.
And I haven't ever had a dream to look forward to for my whole life. It came when David called me almost 4 years ago, with the mine project/GOCH investments people. And it involved me being head of the humanitarian arm of his new investment group.
So I allowed myself to HAVE the dream, and thanked the universe for letting me have a dream, at last.
And slowly, bit by bit, over 4 years, it has eroded, come back, eroded, come back..... until Monday, when it died.
DEAD.
It's still hard to accept.
Now, to be fair, David has not closed the door on Michael's plan, and Michael told him that the funds are still expected by Easter (HAH!)
Also, David has asked if I wanted to go with him to Nevada to do the Plan B: Sample project.
We'll see.
I feel awful, but also a bit relieved that I'm not 100% out in the cold.
I had given up, but to hear it from David was emotionally devastating.
So, in his call, he told me I was still part of the "core" of the mine project. I constantly ask myself WHY? but at the same time, I'm totally grateful to him for including me.
He says it's David, Jeannie, Byron, and me. ??????? I haven't really done ANYthing to merit being a financial participant. So I offered to send some money (from my 401K) as appropriate. He said he'd let me know.
But by FAR, the death of my dream is the worst part of this time.
DEAD.
And I haven't ever had a dream to look forward to for my whole life. It came when David called me almost 4 years ago, with the mine project/GOCH investments people. And it involved me being head of the humanitarian arm of his new investment group.
So I allowed myself to HAVE the dream, and thanked the universe for letting me have a dream, at last.
And slowly, bit by bit, over 4 years, it has eroded, come back, eroded, come back..... until Monday, when it died.
DEAD.
It's still hard to accept.
Now, to be fair, David has not closed the door on Michael's plan, and Michael told him that the funds are still expected by Easter (HAH!)
Also, David has asked if I wanted to go with him to Nevada to do the Plan B: Sample project.
We'll see.
I feel awful, but also a bit relieved that I'm not 100% out in the cold.
20180319 DAVID'S CALL
I had received a text from DT a few days ago that he'd like to talk, and asked if it could be that afternoon. I texted him "sure" and I waited. no call.
Next day (Sunday), I waited all day. no call.
Next day (Monday), I received a call from him as I arrived at work (Dr. Pruitt), and I could not talk, but I listened to him for 30 seconds, and during that time, he told me it was over.
He was "tired of waiting for Michael" and so he's putting in place plans to scrape up the money he'll need to do a "100 pound" sample of the mine soil, have it analyzed, and hopefully attract a ton of money, mostly on the basis of the gold to be found there.
I said "that's great" and I turned my focus on working for Dr. Pruitt. But inside I crashed.
After work, I texted DT on my way home and asked him to call me.
Eventually, he called. I pulled over, and we talked for 20 minutes.
He told me that he hasn't told Michael he's moving on, but he IS moving on, with the sample project.
I told him about my emotional meltdown, and he (and Jeannie) reassured me that I was part of "the core" and that I needn't feel like I'd be out of the loop.
Whew!
I still feel pretty bad, drained, angry..... etc.
Next day (Sunday), I waited all day. no call.
Next day (Monday), I received a call from him as I arrived at work (Dr. Pruitt), and I could not talk, but I listened to him for 30 seconds, and during that time, he told me it was over.
He was "tired of waiting for Michael" and so he's putting in place plans to scrape up the money he'll need to do a "100 pound" sample of the mine soil, have it analyzed, and hopefully attract a ton of money, mostly on the basis of the gold to be found there.
I said "that's great" and I turned my focus on working for Dr. Pruitt. But inside I crashed.
After work, I texted DT on my way home and asked him to call me.
Eventually, he called. I pulled over, and we talked for 20 minutes.
He told me that he hasn't told Michael he's moving on, but he IS moving on, with the sample project.
I told him about my emotional meltdown, and he (and Jeannie) reassured me that I was part of "the core" and that I needn't feel like I'd be out of the loop.
Whew!
I still feel pretty bad, drained, angry..... etc.
Tuesday, March 13, 2018
20180313 GAVE UP TODAY
I have decided to conclude, wrongly or rightly, that I will never achieve my dream of becoming someone better than I've been my whole life.
The universe is not accommodating me with a $$$ call from David. I don't relish continuing the cycle I've been following for the last 3+ years, during which I've cycled from near despair to high hopes.
Earlier today, when Lyla and Eli were at school, and Caleb was sleeping, I let go of the dream.
And I will NOT be contacting David for updates any more.
I felt some relief as I did this. But I still feel inferior, sad, depressed, and alone with my flawed, defective, miserable self.
Others (including my children and George) have not seen this side of me. Perhaps now they will.
*sigh*
The universe is not accommodating me with a $$$ call from David. I don't relish continuing the cycle I've been following for the last 3+ years, during which I've cycled from near despair to high hopes.
Earlier today, when Lyla and Eli were at school, and Caleb was sleeping, I let go of the dream.
And I will NOT be contacting David for updates any more.
I felt some relief as I did this. But I still feel inferior, sad, depressed, and alone with my flawed, defective, miserable self.
Others (including my children and George) have not seen this side of me. Perhaps now they will.
*sigh*
Friday, March 9, 2018
20180309 ANOTHER NADA DAY
I don't know why on earth I still cling to the hope that David will call me with a $$$ call.
I'm a day closer to giving up on it.
It's 9:45, DT hasn't even called to say "no news." I HATE this. I'm thinking of moving on.
Even if he "revives" the deal at some future date.
I just can't deal with this anymore.
So sorry David.
I'm a day closer to giving up on it.
It's 9:45, DT hasn't even called to say "no news." I HATE this. I'm thinking of moving on.
Even if he "revives" the deal at some future date.
I just can't deal with this anymore.
So sorry David.
Thursday, March 8, 2018
20180308 NOTHING TODAY
"This week" (as noted by Michael, DT's source) must include pre-advice payments, to set things up before the deadline of March 14 (i.e., next week), by which ALL GOCH funds must have been delivered.
That's the way I understand the messages.
So, it's still "this week" and it will be through tomorrow.
But today, nothing yet.
*sigh*
(Am I a fool for believing this will happen, or even that it COULD happen??)
another *sigh*
That's the way I understand the messages.
So, it's still "this week" and it will be through tomorrow.
But today, nothing yet.
*sigh*
(Am I a fool for believing this will happen, or even that it COULD happen??)
another *sigh*
20180307 MORE WAITING
Well, at least David and I got to talk for 15 minutes this morning. I'm always in a better mood after I talk to him.
But so far, there are no "tangible results" for us. Only "substantial news."
He says he was told to expect a phone call from Michael this morning, in about 1 hour.
We'll see.
Latest text says they "HAVE" to transfer ALL funds by March 14, so pre-amounts are likely to be this week.
*sigh*
But so far, there are no "tangible results" for us. Only "substantial news."
He says he was told to expect a phone call from Michael this morning, in about 1 hour.
We'll see.
Latest text says they "HAVE" to transfer ALL funds by March 14, so pre-amounts are likely to be this week.
*sigh*
Monday, March 5, 2018
20180304 I DON'T GET MY LIFE
I just don't get it.
I can always point to reasons why things haven't worked out.
Some are obviously valid. For example, it's absolutely true that I could have studied more in college (or ANY time), using the time I wasted in my "gay life."
Some are obviously NOT valid. For example, the absolutely untrue idea that I just don't have what it takes to compete with others.
And what follows is: But I wouldn't be the same person now if I'd used my time differently. And I KNOW that I do have "what it takes" to do a whole bunch of things.
And then: But nothing stuck with me. Or I didn't stick with anything long enough.
*sigh*
I do have a lot of blessings, reasons to live, reasons to be grateful.
But I still just don't get my life.
The biggest things these days, things I question over and over, are:
1. WHY can't I move forward with the life that David and I have been discussing for close to FOUR YEARS?? Should I forget it? Should I wait a few more days/weeks/months, etc? I don't know what specifics there are that will consume my time. But I WANT THEM REALLY BAD to take me over, so I can have a meaningful period of life before I die.
and
2. WHAT IS IT that makes me a) adopt a healthy workout/diet for several weeks, and then b) drop the interest I had in it so completely that I often say "I don't give a shit" and I eat what I want and then sleep rather than exercise. WHAT IS THAT???
I have wonderful children and grandchildren, and I feel the love for them stronger than I could have imagined. I want to spend time with them and love them and teach them. I miss them when I'm away from them. I want to help my kids raise their kids. Or at least be there so they'll know me and remember me after I'm gone.
Sometimes I think about how I didn't have much "grandparent presence" in my life, and I can sort of justify not being there for my grandkids, now and then. But most of the time, I AM in their lives, and I AM present for major events, etc.
Meanwhile, what do I do?
Wait.
*sigh*
I can always point to reasons why things haven't worked out.
Some are obviously valid. For example, it's absolutely true that I could have studied more in college (or ANY time), using the time I wasted in my "gay life."
Some are obviously NOT valid. For example, the absolutely untrue idea that I just don't have what it takes to compete with others.
And what follows is: But I wouldn't be the same person now if I'd used my time differently. And I KNOW that I do have "what it takes" to do a whole bunch of things.
And then: But nothing stuck with me. Or I didn't stick with anything long enough.
*sigh*
I do have a lot of blessings, reasons to live, reasons to be grateful.
But I still just don't get my life.
The biggest things these days, things I question over and over, are:
1. WHY can't I move forward with the life that David and I have been discussing for close to FOUR YEARS?? Should I forget it? Should I wait a few more days/weeks/months, etc? I don't know what specifics there are that will consume my time. But I WANT THEM REALLY BAD to take me over, so I can have a meaningful period of life before I die.
and
2. WHAT IS IT that makes me a) adopt a healthy workout/diet for several weeks, and then b) drop the interest I had in it so completely that I often say "I don't give a shit" and I eat what I want and then sleep rather than exercise. WHAT IS THAT???
I have wonderful children and grandchildren, and I feel the love for them stronger than I could have imagined. I want to spend time with them and love them and teach them. I miss them when I'm away from them. I want to help my kids raise their kids. Or at least be there so they'll know me and remember me after I'm gone.
Sometimes I think about how I didn't have much "grandparent presence" in my life, and I can sort of justify not being there for my grandkids, now and then. But most of the time, I AM in their lives, and I AM present for major events, etc.
Meanwhile, what do I do?
Wait.
*sigh*
Friday, March 2, 2018
20180302 THAT WASN'T THE DAY, NOR IS THIS
I'm amazed that I'm still holding on to the hope of David's $$ call, but I am.
He said today (Friday) could be THE DAY, but it's a long shot. He added that next week (i.e., Monday or Tuesday) is a "slam dunk."
We shall see.
It's 7am, and so far, no text or call.
Meanwhile, I'm feeling good, since I had a really nice talk with David yesterday. We talked about kids, memories, inspirational choral music (Tchycowski's St. John's Christensome (sp?)) which has been so helpful for me, and of course our health (my foot problems, we both have post-cold coughing fits).
And I also talked to Cypriot George, and that's also always emotionally rewarding.
He said today (Friday) could be THE DAY, but it's a long shot. He added that next week (i.e., Monday or Tuesday) is a "slam dunk."
We shall see.
It's 7am, and so far, no text or call.
Meanwhile, I'm feeling good, since I had a really nice talk with David yesterday. We talked about kids, memories, inspirational choral music (Tchycowski's St. John's Christensome (sp?)) which has been so helpful for me, and of course our health (my foot problems, we both have post-cold coughing fits).
And I also talked to Cypriot George, and that's also always emotionally rewarding.
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