Don't know why things are going as they are.
I had a WONDERFUL time at the quarterly executive board meeting for THE LAVENDER EFFECT.
After which I had a SHITTY time at the Gay Asian Pool Party (included CMG).
So now, I still feel down.
No call from David T. No new friends or encouraging friendships from people I've already known.
I saw Allen Page there. I didn't talk to him. But I think he and I sort of connected a while ago at another CMG party. All I have left from that is a slight recognition and a wish that SOMEONE would have reached out to me.
I have a sore knee, but I played it up a bit more, by sitting by myself on a lawn chair that had a sort of foot rest. "RICE principle" I reasoned. RICE stands for Rest, Ice, Compression, Elevation - which is the home remedy advice for swollen knees.
So I elevated. But NO ONE came over to even just speak to me, let alone ask about my elevated leg.
Was I expecting too much?
I'm not all that attracted to Asians, and naked Asians don't do much more for me. There were some Caucasians and some blends there.... and some of THEM were naked. And they held a bit more of my interest.
But overall, I didn't have a good time. The food people brought to this pot-luck was ho-hum. Some good, some just average.
So I waited there until a bit after 3pm, which was the time at which my friend Jim Hoffman (one of the CMG organizers) was to make an announcement. But he hadn't, by about 3:05. I just couldn't take being there any longer, so I gathered my things and left. I said good-bye to Jim, and that was that.
*sigh*
Saturday, September 21, 2013
Friday, September 20, 2013
PISSED OFF
Ya know, I'm REALLY PISSED OFF today.
I know, I'm blessed more than most. I get that.
But I'm still REALLY PISSED OFF.
What I DON'T get is why... WHY my timing is so awfully bad.
Now, it wasn't always bad. I was in the right place at the right time for several things over the years. So that was good. Whoever is keeping track, let it be known that I ackowledge that SOMEtimes, my timing is good.
But lately, no so much.
For example, and this is the BIGGIE...... HOW could it possibly be that the forces that control me (or leave me be, whichever the case).... could have "allowed" the situation to become this miserable for me??
HOW? WHY?
I'm about out of money, and the opportunity of making more has been looming for about a year now. The promise of the opportunity actually becoming such, is still looming. It's "just about here." Only another day or two.
I .... absolutely.... HATE.... the way this is going. I HATE it.
My finances are drained. The longer this goes, the more things come up that I'm likely to need money for. And then there are all the things that I MIGHT need money for (e.g., replacing the AC at the Alta Loma house - probably $3K or so). And then there are the things that I'd LIKE to spend money on (e.g., a final trip to see Eric Lefrandt and Marie Mauduit and to visit Peggy before she leaves Frankfurt).
SHIT!
WHY does it come out this way?
So while this is all (NOT) going on.... I'm tearing myself up and playing the waiting game. And feeling guilty about NOT doing anything about anything. Just letting things slide. Not motivated to get "up, and do something more."
I HATE THIS!!!!!
When I make a sort of "plea" for relief from this...... I am led to wonder if anyone is listening. I know, I know. People have wondered that for centuries (I can't readily spell "millenea" so I'll leave it at "centuries.")
So what? I AM WONDERING IT TODAY.
It's still pitch black outside - at least it appears to be, with my bedroom light ON, and the window open.
But I know the light is returning. The "sun is rising." (incorrect - actually, it's the earth rotating) But it's interesting that my window looks pitch black right now.
And WHAT, may I ask, is that awful, loud periodic BUZZ I hear in my neighborhood? How would I ever find out, short of going out in the early hours and trying to follow it? I'm between a shopping center and a school, and it could have something to do with one of those. It sounds like someone buzzing someone through a door. But that doesn't make any sense. Oh well. It's one of those things I'm going to live with.
A strange event several days ago. It was Saturday or Sunday morning, early. I heard a radio broadcast of some foreign language, coming from somewhere in this complex. I couldn't believe how loud it was, and how early the hour was (it was about 6am or so). After suffering with it for at least 30 minutes, I dressed and went out my front door, to walk around, to at least try to figure out the source. I walked to the right, since it seemed to be coming from that direction. The shopping center construction (or maintenance?) workers will sometimes be working at early hours, and I thought that maybe one of them had a radio blaring.
Imagine my surprise to find out that it was coming from my next-door neighbor's house! She's an older single woman from Thailand, and she's very quiet & proper, in general. Keeps to herself, mostly. She speaks French, so I do talk to her now and then in French. But WHY would she have such a radio blaring?? When I walked past her window, she was there, looking out, and she waved.
I was non-plussed by this, so I turned back to my place. As I walked through my door, the blaring stopped.
WHAT POSSIBLE EXPLANATION COULD THERE BE FOR THAT???? I don't know.
DAMN LIFE. Full of mysteries & unanswered questions. Right now, I don't know why I have a shooting pain in my upper calf. It's been there for a few days. Inactivity? Water on the knee? Arthritis? Cancer?
And I can't find out for sure.... no doctor could be sure. But I also have no insurance, and no money for high medical consultation costs.
SHIT.
LTD
Something's coming. I know it's not likely to be earth-shattering. But I think it's coming. What, I don't know. But it's coming.
TODAY is coming. I can feel it. I'm not sure of it, of course. Feelings can lie.
But so what? Who cares what I might "FEEL?" I might as well join a monestary, and say THAT'S what was coming.
HA! I'm so sick of not knowing what's going on. I don't know how much more I can take of this.
At the end of my rope.
And why am I almost ALWAYS wrong about everything? On practically every level? Can't things just work out? Who would it hurt for things to work out for me? WHO?
If I knew who it might hurt, I'd have a different perspective. But my guess is, it wouldn't hurt anyone, for things to work out for me.
But then, I'm almost always wrong, so I'm likely wrong about that, too.
How much more of this can I handle?? Not too much.
SHIT.
LTD
I HATE that I didn't get even an update phone call from David T. regarding his investment portfolio. I thought the "big day" would be yesterday, and for sure, by today. But no.
SHIT.
I know, I'm blessed more than most. I get that.
But I'm still REALLY PISSED OFF.
What I DON'T get is why... WHY my timing is so awfully bad.
Now, it wasn't always bad. I was in the right place at the right time for several things over the years. So that was good. Whoever is keeping track, let it be known that I ackowledge that SOMEtimes, my timing is good.
But lately, no so much.
For example, and this is the BIGGIE...... HOW could it possibly be that the forces that control me (or leave me be, whichever the case).... could have "allowed" the situation to become this miserable for me??
HOW? WHY?
I'm about out of money, and the opportunity of making more has been looming for about a year now. The promise of the opportunity actually becoming such, is still looming. It's "just about here." Only another day or two.
I .... absolutely.... HATE.... the way this is going. I HATE it.
My finances are drained. The longer this goes, the more things come up that I'm likely to need money for. And then there are all the things that I MIGHT need money for (e.g., replacing the AC at the Alta Loma house - probably $3K or so). And then there are the things that I'd LIKE to spend money on (e.g., a final trip to see Eric Lefrandt and Marie Mauduit and to visit Peggy before she leaves Frankfurt).
SHIT!
WHY does it come out this way?
So while this is all (NOT) going on.... I'm tearing myself up and playing the waiting game. And feeling guilty about NOT doing anything about anything. Just letting things slide. Not motivated to get "up, and do something more."
I HATE THIS!!!!!
When I make a sort of "plea" for relief from this...... I am led to wonder if anyone is listening. I know, I know. People have wondered that for centuries (I can't readily spell "millenea" so I'll leave it at "centuries.")
So what? I AM WONDERING IT TODAY.
It's still pitch black outside - at least it appears to be, with my bedroom light ON, and the window open.
But I know the light is returning. The "sun is rising." (incorrect - actually, it's the earth rotating) But it's interesting that my window looks pitch black right now.
And WHAT, may I ask, is that awful, loud periodic BUZZ I hear in my neighborhood? How would I ever find out, short of going out in the early hours and trying to follow it? I'm between a shopping center and a school, and it could have something to do with one of those. It sounds like someone buzzing someone through a door. But that doesn't make any sense. Oh well. It's one of those things I'm going to live with.
A strange event several days ago. It was Saturday or Sunday morning, early. I heard a radio broadcast of some foreign language, coming from somewhere in this complex. I couldn't believe how loud it was, and how early the hour was (it was about 6am or so). After suffering with it for at least 30 minutes, I dressed and went out my front door, to walk around, to at least try to figure out the source. I walked to the right, since it seemed to be coming from that direction. The shopping center construction (or maintenance?) workers will sometimes be working at early hours, and I thought that maybe one of them had a radio blaring.
Imagine my surprise to find out that it was coming from my next-door neighbor's house! She's an older single woman from Thailand, and she's very quiet & proper, in general. Keeps to herself, mostly. She speaks French, so I do talk to her now and then in French. But WHY would she have such a radio blaring?? When I walked past her window, she was there, looking out, and she waved.
I was non-plussed by this, so I turned back to my place. As I walked through my door, the blaring stopped.
WHAT POSSIBLE EXPLANATION COULD THERE BE FOR THAT???? I don't know.
DAMN LIFE. Full of mysteries & unanswered questions. Right now, I don't know why I have a shooting pain in my upper calf. It's been there for a few days. Inactivity? Water on the knee? Arthritis? Cancer?
And I can't find out for sure.... no doctor could be sure. But I also have no insurance, and no money for high medical consultation costs.
SHIT.
LTD
Something's coming. I know it's not likely to be earth-shattering. But I think it's coming. What, I don't know. But it's coming.
TODAY is coming. I can feel it. I'm not sure of it, of course. Feelings can lie.
But so what? Who cares what I might "FEEL?" I might as well join a monestary, and say THAT'S what was coming.
HA! I'm so sick of not knowing what's going on. I don't know how much more I can take of this.
At the end of my rope.
And why am I almost ALWAYS wrong about everything? On practically every level? Can't things just work out? Who would it hurt for things to work out for me? WHO?
If I knew who it might hurt, I'd have a different perspective. But my guess is, it wouldn't hurt anyone, for things to work out for me.
But then, I'm almost always wrong, so I'm likely wrong about that, too.
How much more of this can I handle?? Not too much.
SHIT.
LTD
I HATE that I didn't get even an update phone call from David T. regarding his investment portfolio. I thought the "big day" would be yesterday, and for sure, by today. But no.
SHIT.
Thursday, September 19, 2013
BLAGUE - BOM - PERCEPTIONS
"Blague" is the French word for "joke."
Amazing the things I think of here and there.
Last night, I did a hypnosis for tantric gay sex. Well, it was only $.89, so I thought it was worthwhile.
But I'm currently 'distracted' by MormonLeaks.com - Episode 6. It's going on "forever" and I can't stop analyzing it.
My one overriding thought thus far: HOW COULD THOSE GUYS OF 1825-35 have been so deceptive?? If the Utah LD$ version of how the church came to be is INCORRECT (i.e., a big lie), then these guys went to GREAT LENGTHS to deceive the people of their time. To defraud them of their money.
It's the same bewilderment I feel when I think of all the "great men" (suits) of Mormonism who are decieved and/or lying today.
I don't get it.
But I did have an insight into how DIFFERENT my own perceptions & my own reception of the Book of Mormon was in my life in the 1960s (roughly when I consciously accepted it)...... when compared to how Pratt received it (or at least how the records show that he received it), and how the people of the Reformed Baptist group (of which Rigdon was a member) received it.
I accepted the BOM as a solid source of truth. I didn't question it's veracity, since I found myself to be a 3-4-5th generation Mormon, and all my significant elders accepted it. Those who did not were a minority. But I accepted it because of my older siblings and parents. I don't ever recall having any sort of personal revelation about the BOM itself, in which I perceived that God was telling me that it was, in fact, true, and was, in fact, what it claimed to be.
But now, I'm projecting myself back to 1830s time, where people were likely constantly discussing religious ideas, along with settling America. Apparently, the Reformed Baptists heard Rigdon speak about two major topics: 1) Community holdings & essentially the "United Order" and 2) The need for a restoration of Christianity as it was during the life of Christ. So..... along comes ______ (I've already forgotten who) with the BOM, and he (they) give it to the Reformed Baptists to read. By this time, the BOM has been translated, edited, typeset, and printed, so it's long and tedious and without chapters & verses.
And people read it.
Some get converted by reading it (supposedly).
Some get suspicious by reading it. For example, the Reformed Baptists read it (they'd have to have spent days reading it & studying it)... and guess what - they recognize the teaching of Rigdon in it!!!!
That's amazing to me. They began to doubt its truth since they'd heard Rigdon preaching the "same things" already.
HUH???
Here I have to interject the thought that I'm wrongfully projecting MY OWN experience in reading the BOM, onto the people of the Reformed Baptist group. They were reading it as adults, as experienced thinkers, as theologians. Books at that time were seen (were they?) as delightful experiences, and not as I usually perceived them: burdens to sludge through. (NOTE: I STILL think of many books like that today.)
So, it very well could be that those Ref. Baptists DID delight in reading the BOM, but when they got to the 1) Community holdings and 2) Restoration of Christianity parts, they recognized Rigdon, and put the BOM down (in perhaps both ways).
Another idea: "Reformed Baptist" --- and "Reformed Egyptian" - I wonder if the adjective came from Rigdon.
WHY, oh WHY is finding the truth so difficult????
*sigh*
Amazing the things I think of here and there.
Last night, I did a hypnosis for tantric gay sex. Well, it was only $.89, so I thought it was worthwhile.
But I'm currently 'distracted' by MormonLeaks.com - Episode 6. It's going on "forever" and I can't stop analyzing it.
My one overriding thought thus far: HOW COULD THOSE GUYS OF 1825-35 have been so deceptive?? If the Utah LD$ version of how the church came to be is INCORRECT (i.e., a big lie), then these guys went to GREAT LENGTHS to deceive the people of their time. To defraud them of their money.
It's the same bewilderment I feel when I think of all the "great men" (suits) of Mormonism who are decieved and/or lying today.
I don't get it.
But I did have an insight into how DIFFERENT my own perceptions & my own reception of the Book of Mormon was in my life in the 1960s (roughly when I consciously accepted it)...... when compared to how Pratt received it (or at least how the records show that he received it), and how the people of the Reformed Baptist group (of which Rigdon was a member) received it.
I accepted the BOM as a solid source of truth. I didn't question it's veracity, since I found myself to be a 3-4-5th generation Mormon, and all my significant elders accepted it. Those who did not were a minority. But I accepted it because of my older siblings and parents. I don't ever recall having any sort of personal revelation about the BOM itself, in which I perceived that God was telling me that it was, in fact, true, and was, in fact, what it claimed to be.
But now, I'm projecting myself back to 1830s time, where people were likely constantly discussing religious ideas, along with settling America. Apparently, the Reformed Baptists heard Rigdon speak about two major topics: 1) Community holdings & essentially the "United Order" and 2) The need for a restoration of Christianity as it was during the life of Christ. So..... along comes ______ (I've already forgotten who) with the BOM, and he (they) give it to the Reformed Baptists to read. By this time, the BOM has been translated, edited, typeset, and printed, so it's long and tedious and without chapters & verses.
And people read it.
Some get converted by reading it (supposedly).
Some get suspicious by reading it. For example, the Reformed Baptists read it (they'd have to have spent days reading it & studying it)... and guess what - they recognize the teaching of Rigdon in it!!!!
That's amazing to me. They began to doubt its truth since they'd heard Rigdon preaching the "same things" already.
HUH???
Here I have to interject the thought that I'm wrongfully projecting MY OWN experience in reading the BOM, onto the people of the Reformed Baptist group. They were reading it as adults, as experienced thinkers, as theologians. Books at that time were seen (were they?) as delightful experiences, and not as I usually perceived them: burdens to sludge through. (NOTE: I STILL think of many books like that today.)
So, it very well could be that those Ref. Baptists DID delight in reading the BOM, but when they got to the 1) Community holdings and 2) Restoration of Christianity parts, they recognized Rigdon, and put the BOM down (in perhaps both ways).
Another idea: "Reformed Baptist" --- and "Reformed Egyptian" - I wonder if the adjective came from Rigdon.
WHY, oh WHY is finding the truth so difficult????
*sigh*
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
DEAFENING SILENCE
This morning I awoke with thoughts similar to those of recent weeks and months. I'm apparently plagued by the DEAFENING SILENCE of "no decision" or "no communication" or "no consideration."
Meaning, I'm sort of expecting word from various sources (e.g., David T's mining deal development), but they're not coming.
I seem to be faced with the basic options of a) doing nothing or b) reaching out for an update.
And since I don't know which would be better, I chose a) doing nothing.
And that brings on all the depression and self pity and misguided thoughts, including suicidal thoughts, of another empty day.
Today is Wednesday. I have nothing pressing today.
I'm reminded of my former boss, Tom Giblin, who would often call up his customers and use his "clever" phrase, "You're conspicuous in your absence."
Who fits that category of "client" for me today?
1. David T.
2. Rod F.
3. Scott M.
4. ......
Oh, I don't know. I'm going to stop creating this list. Life's not THAT bad. I could likely think of a bunch more people who fit. But why?
Why not read a neglected book, or continue watching a movie on Netflix, or log on to RfM (Recovery from Mormonism) and create a new thread (or comment on an existing one)..... etc.
Because I'm depressed. That's why. I might get around to some of those things, and I might not.
OK, meditation/prayer, & breathing.
Today brings "another chance" to figure things out. I might not actually DO anything, but at least I do have today's version of "another chance" to figure things out.
There are some UNSOLVEABLE DILEMMAS of my life (and possibly of everyone's lives):
1. It seems IMPOSSIBLE to resolve the question of whether we are in a dream state while awake in the traditional sense of "being awake," or we are in an actual awake state. Some purport that when we sleep, we enter the REAL reality. And when we awake, we enter a dream state.
How could we ever know?
2. It seems IMPOSSIBLE to resolve the question of the relativity of emotional response to life on this planet. For example, it seems in many ways "amazing" that we wake up every day, that the earth revolves to become bathed in sunlight, that the sunlight strikes the green leaves and turns them thousands of different shades of green, and that those moments are fleeting, to be replaced by other possibly equally "amazing" natural phenomena.
However, if you consider that these "amazing" things are possibly only such because of our limited knowledge of things on this planet, then they could become commonplace in observation & thought.
IOW, when someone says "Life is AMAZING" - I'm led to think that it's only amazing to someone who cannot see the bigger picture. To God, how could it be "amazing" to contemplate a green leave changing colors in the sunlight? Since s/he/it created it all, or if not, s/he/it KNOWS about it all..... it should be commonplace by now.
Perhaps the correct phrase is "Life is AMAZING - TO ME, and AT THIS TIME."
I'm a "Debby Downer" I suppose. I'm SO VERY ANALYTICAL that I cannot seem to just enjoy life. To let my emotions control me, or at least let my emotions play out sort of "naturally" so that I can just be a spontaneous learner/experiencer here on this planet.
But WHY? WHY would I do that? WHY might that be important? It's not the "natural Ken." It's not me. I just don't know what to do with all this, so I'll again let life take over. I'll again let a movie or possibly a book take over. I'll again let a meal take over.
We all know that it's NOT LIKELY, is it, that another PERSON will take over in this sense today. Which is the feeling I was describing above: DEAFENING SILENCE.
I cannot seem to internalize the lesson I've repeatedly learned (or am in the process of learning, however poorly) throughout my life: ONE CANNOT CONTROL THE LIFE OF ANOTHER PERSON.
I don't mean to imply that I'd want to control another's life in every way. Of course not. But I DO WISH that when it's reasonably expected that someone else do something, that they DO IT.
For example, I'm waiting patiently for David T. to call and let me know that he's received the money he's expecting and that it will enable him to move forward with the plans we've discussed for me to work for him, and do the rewarding work of helping others through monetary means. This call would greatly alleviate all the doubts and depressing thoughts, etc. that I've been having about my life & my financial dilemmas over the past 6 months.
So, I know that David T's promised on several occasions that when he gets the money, he'll call me. That's a simplification of the situation, but it's still true. So that puts me in "limbo" for however long it'll take.
But here's my frequent thought: WHY CAN'T DAVID T say to himself..... "Hmmmmm, I know Ken's worried about his future. I know he needs cash. I know he's putting off looking for another job so that he can work with me. I'll just gtive Ken a quick call now and then, to let him know what's going on, so he won't worry too much."
WHY CAN'T THAT HAPPEN FOR ME? Is it really too much to ask of life?
Of course, the alternative is to continuously call him for updates. And many of my friends & aquaintences would do just that.
Why don't I? Well, it's largely because I'm still hung up on the impression I make with David T (and others). I want them to think of me as a person who is sort of "above" all that worry & depression. I'm not above it, obviously. But since it's not likely I'll ever tell them, or that they'll ever read this blog, they'll never know.
So, I'll wait yet another day, end this post so that I can go get breakfast, and watch another Netflix movie.
*sigh*
Meaning, I'm sort of expecting word from various sources (e.g., David T's mining deal development), but they're not coming.
I seem to be faced with the basic options of a) doing nothing or b) reaching out for an update.
And since I don't know which would be better, I chose a) doing nothing.
And that brings on all the depression and self pity and misguided thoughts, including suicidal thoughts, of another empty day.
Today is Wednesday. I have nothing pressing today.
I'm reminded of my former boss, Tom Giblin, who would often call up his customers and use his "clever" phrase, "You're conspicuous in your absence."
Who fits that category of "client" for me today?
1. David T.
2. Rod F.
3. Scott M.
4. ......
Oh, I don't know. I'm going to stop creating this list. Life's not THAT bad. I could likely think of a bunch more people who fit. But why?
Why not read a neglected book, or continue watching a movie on Netflix, or log on to RfM (Recovery from Mormonism) and create a new thread (or comment on an existing one)..... etc.
Because I'm depressed. That's why. I might get around to some of those things, and I might not.
OK, meditation/prayer, & breathing.
Today brings "another chance" to figure things out. I might not actually DO anything, but at least I do have today's version of "another chance" to figure things out.
There are some UNSOLVEABLE DILEMMAS of my life (and possibly of everyone's lives):
1. It seems IMPOSSIBLE to resolve the question of whether we are in a dream state while awake in the traditional sense of "being awake," or we are in an actual awake state. Some purport that when we sleep, we enter the REAL reality. And when we awake, we enter a dream state.
How could we ever know?
2. It seems IMPOSSIBLE to resolve the question of the relativity of emotional response to life on this planet. For example, it seems in many ways "amazing" that we wake up every day, that the earth revolves to become bathed in sunlight, that the sunlight strikes the green leaves and turns them thousands of different shades of green, and that those moments are fleeting, to be replaced by other possibly equally "amazing" natural phenomena.
However, if you consider that these "amazing" things are possibly only such because of our limited knowledge of things on this planet, then they could become commonplace in observation & thought.
IOW, when someone says "Life is AMAZING" - I'm led to think that it's only amazing to someone who cannot see the bigger picture. To God, how could it be "amazing" to contemplate a green leave changing colors in the sunlight? Since s/he/it created it all, or if not, s/he/it KNOWS about it all..... it should be commonplace by now.
Perhaps the correct phrase is "Life is AMAZING - TO ME, and AT THIS TIME."
I'm a "Debby Downer" I suppose. I'm SO VERY ANALYTICAL that I cannot seem to just enjoy life. To let my emotions control me, or at least let my emotions play out sort of "naturally" so that I can just be a spontaneous learner/experiencer here on this planet.
But WHY? WHY would I do that? WHY might that be important? It's not the "natural Ken." It's not me. I just don't know what to do with all this, so I'll again let life take over. I'll again let a movie or possibly a book take over. I'll again let a meal take over.
We all know that it's NOT LIKELY, is it, that another PERSON will take over in this sense today. Which is the feeling I was describing above: DEAFENING SILENCE.
I cannot seem to internalize the lesson I've repeatedly learned (or am in the process of learning, however poorly) throughout my life: ONE CANNOT CONTROL THE LIFE OF ANOTHER PERSON.
I don't mean to imply that I'd want to control another's life in every way. Of course not. But I DO WISH that when it's reasonably expected that someone else do something, that they DO IT.
For example, I'm waiting patiently for David T. to call and let me know that he's received the money he's expecting and that it will enable him to move forward with the plans we've discussed for me to work for him, and do the rewarding work of helping others through monetary means. This call would greatly alleviate all the doubts and depressing thoughts, etc. that I've been having about my life & my financial dilemmas over the past 6 months.
So, I know that David T's promised on several occasions that when he gets the money, he'll call me. That's a simplification of the situation, but it's still true. So that puts me in "limbo" for however long it'll take.
But here's my frequent thought: WHY CAN'T DAVID T say to himself..... "Hmmmmm, I know Ken's worried about his future. I know he needs cash. I know he's putting off looking for another job so that he can work with me. I'll just gtive Ken a quick call now and then, to let him know what's going on, so he won't worry too much."
WHY CAN'T THAT HAPPEN FOR ME? Is it really too much to ask of life?
Of course, the alternative is to continuously call him for updates. And many of my friends & aquaintences would do just that.
Why don't I? Well, it's largely because I'm still hung up on the impression I make with David T (and others). I want them to think of me as a person who is sort of "above" all that worry & depression. I'm not above it, obviously. But since it's not likely I'll ever tell them, or that they'll ever read this blog, they'll never know.
So, I'll wait yet another day, end this post so that I can go get breakfast, and watch another Netflix movie.
*sigh*
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
IS THIS A SIT-COM? IT MUST BE!
This morning I thought a thousands thoughts (again), and one of them was "Is this a Sit-Com? It must be!"
Meaning, my whole LIFE is a Sit-Com. Why do I think it might be?
For one, David T and I have not too long ago discussed the possibility that when we're awake, it's really a dream, and when we're asleep, it's the real reality of our lives. (Or something like that.)
And for two, I seem to have trouble getting to first base. It might just be a funny situation for some cosmic viewers (if there ARE any).
Today, I decided to "enter" the Jack in the Box offer to receive 2 free tacos. But the requirement is to log on to a certain website, and enter a code. The problem is, MY receipt from yesterday is difficult to read. So I'll have to "guess around" until I get it.
If it had NOT been difficult to read, I'd have just gone there & done it. But no.... MY receipt is difficult to read, so I have to take longer to get it done.
And that takes time.
And I feel as though I don't have much time, since I'm 63 already.
Poor me.
*sigh*
Rather than "enter" the JITB information right now, I'm going to eat my Cheerios which are getting soggy.
Meaning, my whole LIFE is a Sit-Com. Why do I think it might be?
For one, David T and I have not too long ago discussed the possibility that when we're awake, it's really a dream, and when we're asleep, it's the real reality of our lives. (Or something like that.)
And for two, I seem to have trouble getting to first base. It might just be a funny situation for some cosmic viewers (if there ARE any).
Today, I decided to "enter" the Jack in the Box offer to receive 2 free tacos. But the requirement is to log on to a certain website, and enter a code. The problem is, MY receipt from yesterday is difficult to read. So I'll have to "guess around" until I get it.
If it had NOT been difficult to read, I'd have just gone there & done it. But no.... MY receipt is difficult to read, so I have to take longer to get it done.
And that takes time.
And I feel as though I don't have much time, since I'm 63 already.
Poor me.
*sigh*
Rather than "enter" the JITB information right now, I'm going to eat my Cheerios which are getting soggy.
Sunday, September 15, 2013
SUNDAY MORNING
I'm going back to yesterday's post, to record the dream I had the night before.
*******
Dream recorded. I thought as I recorded it what someone might think if s/he read it. Perhaps someone could interpret it.
My own interpretation: My life is full of fear, including people finding out that I'm broke. Fear that I'll lose the basics of my life (shelter & food & good health).
But what baffles me is why would I have this dream, which might or might not signify what I wrote above, and then not have some resolve to change things. Why doesn't this (or any other such message) STICK with me? Why do I keep wondering what it means, or IF it means what I think? (as opposed to letting it MEAN SOMETHING... and then acting on it.)
WHY must I be so damn analytical?
I can imagine MCG, or even others reflecting back & saying, "Why didn't you simply let it be X or Y or Z?"
This really does seem like a waste, and I'm led to think, as I often do, that I'm here as a "place holder" - a connection between generations, and nothing more.
We shall see. Perhaps. Some day. If I'm lucky enough to be able to reflect with MCG or others.... on my life.
I DO wish it could be before I leave the planet. So that I might be able to do something more meaningful. Why do I wish that? Because my life seems otherwise fairly pointless.
OF COURSE, I can point to meaningful "points" about my life right now. So it's not completely pointless. But it's relatively pointless - to me.
Count my blessings? OK
Joe & his family
Lisa & her family
The opportunity of being around them as often as I like
Shelter, food, clothing, reasonably good health (can you count as a "blessing" the absence of some catastrophic event which would remove all or part of the blessing? My answer: yes.)
BTW, the "reasonably good health" is changing. I'm partly to blame, and genetics and age are the other parts. I'm no longer exercising (mainly due to my bad right knee, but it's also laziness and depression). That has consequence on my mental health, which is currently colored by depression, further exacerbated by my bad right knee and other physical ailments (i.e., joint pains, mysterious lumps in my skin).
Come to think of it, my ailments are not all that bad, when compared to many others my age, and of course, those who have other major more serious physical (and therefore mental) challenges (illness, disease, injuries, etc.)
As always, I'm then led to conclude that I have what "I" have. Not what someone else has. So I have to meet the challenges of MY life (or.... NOT meet them, due to laziness & depression).
OK, now what? Now that I've AGAIN established that I'm in pretty much the same soup I've always been in. Now WHAT? Will I wait until some outside force acts to further limit me? OR will I act now and strive to ward off any such force? Will it really make a difference?
Is life REALLY about the journey, and not the destination? REALLY??? Can someone please ACT on my behalf, and give me some clues? or nudges? or actual messages? PLEASE?????
*sigh*
*******
Dream recorded. I thought as I recorded it what someone might think if s/he read it. Perhaps someone could interpret it.
My own interpretation: My life is full of fear, including people finding out that I'm broke. Fear that I'll lose the basics of my life (shelter & food & good health).
But what baffles me is why would I have this dream, which might or might not signify what I wrote above, and then not have some resolve to change things. Why doesn't this (or any other such message) STICK with me? Why do I keep wondering what it means, or IF it means what I think? (as opposed to letting it MEAN SOMETHING... and then acting on it.)
WHY must I be so damn analytical?
I can imagine MCG, or even others reflecting back & saying, "Why didn't you simply let it be X or Y or Z?"
This really does seem like a waste, and I'm led to think, as I often do, that I'm here as a "place holder" - a connection between generations, and nothing more.
We shall see. Perhaps. Some day. If I'm lucky enough to be able to reflect with MCG or others.... on my life.
I DO wish it could be before I leave the planet. So that I might be able to do something more meaningful. Why do I wish that? Because my life seems otherwise fairly pointless.
OF COURSE, I can point to meaningful "points" about my life right now. So it's not completely pointless. But it's relatively pointless - to me.
Count my blessings? OK
Joe & his family
Lisa & her family
The opportunity of being around them as often as I like
Shelter, food, clothing, reasonably good health (can you count as a "blessing" the absence of some catastrophic event which would remove all or part of the blessing? My answer: yes.)
BTW, the "reasonably good health" is changing. I'm partly to blame, and genetics and age are the other parts. I'm no longer exercising (mainly due to my bad right knee, but it's also laziness and depression). That has consequence on my mental health, which is currently colored by depression, further exacerbated by my bad right knee and other physical ailments (i.e., joint pains, mysterious lumps in my skin).
Come to think of it, my ailments are not all that bad, when compared to many others my age, and of course, those who have other major more serious physical (and therefore mental) challenges (illness, disease, injuries, etc.)
As always, I'm then led to conclude that I have what "I" have. Not what someone else has. So I have to meet the challenges of MY life (or.... NOT meet them, due to laziness & depression).
OK, now what? Now that I've AGAIN established that I'm in pretty much the same soup I've always been in. Now WHAT? Will I wait until some outside force acts to further limit me? OR will I act now and strive to ward off any such force? Will it really make a difference?
Is life REALLY about the journey, and not the destination? REALLY??? Can someone please ACT on my behalf, and give me some clues? or nudges? or actual messages? PLEASE?????
*sigh*
Saturday, September 14, 2013
THE MEANING OF LIFE
Last night, I fell asleep listening to KFI's CoastToCoast radio program for insomniacs, except that I didn't fall asleep. Well, not completely. I recall hearing a story by a caller about an Ouija board in which he explained that he thought they were "not good" but still tried one out with a group of fellow military friends. He scoffed at them for believing in it, but they challenged him to try it. He did.... he asked them to ask the board his mother's maiden name, and it spelled it out immediately.
That led me to think about what the HECK we're doing here on earth.
This morning (after listening to the same radio show off and on all night), I decided to have another conversation with MCG, which I have done in the recent past by lying quietly in my bed, folding my hands across my chest, and saying/thinking the following, or something close to it:
"Dear Creator God, thank you for this new day. Please bless Joe, Chrissy, Ada, Ethan, Elliot and Oliver. Please bless Lisa, Rodney, Lyla and Elijah. Please bless me to be a good father and grandfather. Bless the leaders of churches and nations. Bless those who are about to do something evil or stupid. In the name of Jesus Christ. Amen."
But I often interject thoughts:
* Am a REALLY thankful for this new day? Would it be better for me and everyone if I didn't wake up again?
* I think "bless" is defined as regards my children, my grandchildren and me, as "health, safety, happiness and well-being." But then, if we are to be blessed by MCG, would it not make sense to pray for whatever situations and/or conditions that would allow us to achieve our life's purposes? And would it not be better to pray for the COURAGE for us to act to bring about those purposes?
* Should I continue praying "in the name of Jesus Christ" - I generally say "yes" to that, relying on the fact that this is how I was taught to pray, and there is some value in that, if nothing else than that it helps me end the prayer.
***********
I was interrupted this morning by my human condition. I began coughing, clearing my throat, etc., which seems to happen often in the early morning, and it does annoyingly interrupt my focus on my prayer/meditation/breathing routine.
As I rose from my bed to go into the bathroom and cough and sneeze and clear my airways some more, I thought about the whole scene I'm creating. I cursed my limitations as a human being in a physical body. I told MCG to be patient since I was still human, and had to take care of these annoying irritating human biological conditions.
Also, as I walked, I lamented that my curse is to be someone who was raised one way (Mormon), but then doubted it, and necessarily therefore examined it, and was faced with the question, "Which religion IS the right one - for me?"
Not a new dilemma. I mentally reviewed the major ones. "If not Mormon, which one is it for me? It can't be Catholic, or Protestant, or Jewish, or Muslim. It has to be SOMETHING. Religion is people's answers to "the purpose of life" and "how we should live." And atheism is ALSO an answer to the purpose of life."
"Je suis ne catholique, et je reste catholique." That's a much simpler answer. But I no longer have the luxury of saying "I was born Mormon, and I'm staying Mormon." Too late. I already doubted. The cat's out of the bag. The can of worms has been opened.
WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON?
I feel more distant from MCG and from almost everyone here on earth that I know.
So what do I do now?
I get up & dressed & go visit Lisa & family, and take care of little Eli while they move into their new house in San Clemente.
Today, I wish I had kept earning an income for the past few years. It would have allowed me to do some nice things for my family. Like getting them a housewarming gift.
*sigh*
LTD (actually recorded the following day - 20130914)
I recalled a dream I'd had last night, but when I logged back on to record it, I kept getting a "frozen screen" which of course further irritated and annoyed. So now, I'm recording my recollection of the dream, but it's 24 hours later. (*sigh*)
The dream: I saw myself in progressively worsening and extremely disadvantageous conditions. I apparently had been driving a car (the image of my family's 1966 Aztec Bronze Chevrolet Impala comes to mind), and had parked it somewhere. At a later point in the dream, I could not remember where it was parked. I realized that I no longer had the keys. I was later aware that I had no clothes on, except for a pair of boxer shorts. Thus, I had no wallet, no ID on me. I was wandering in some part of a city, looking for help, or some way out of this dilemma. There were no other people visible in the dream, but I was fearful of meeting someone while in this state of affairs. I inwardly thought that this situation would somehow resolve itself, but it never did before the dream ended. (EOD)
That led me to think about what the HECK we're doing here on earth.
This morning (after listening to the same radio show off and on all night), I decided to have another conversation with MCG, which I have done in the recent past by lying quietly in my bed, folding my hands across my chest, and saying/thinking the following, or something close to it:
"Dear Creator God, thank you for this new day. Please bless Joe, Chrissy, Ada, Ethan, Elliot and Oliver. Please bless Lisa, Rodney, Lyla and Elijah. Please bless me to be a good father and grandfather. Bless the leaders of churches and nations. Bless those who are about to do something evil or stupid. In the name of Jesus Christ. Amen."
But I often interject thoughts:
* Am a REALLY thankful for this new day? Would it be better for me and everyone if I didn't wake up again?
* I think "bless" is defined as regards my children, my grandchildren and me, as "health, safety, happiness and well-being." But then, if we are to be blessed by MCG, would it not make sense to pray for whatever situations and/or conditions that would allow us to achieve our life's purposes? And would it not be better to pray for the COURAGE for us to act to bring about those purposes?
* Should I continue praying "in the name of Jesus Christ" - I generally say "yes" to that, relying on the fact that this is how I was taught to pray, and there is some value in that, if nothing else than that it helps me end the prayer.
***********
I was interrupted this morning by my human condition. I began coughing, clearing my throat, etc., which seems to happen often in the early morning, and it does annoyingly interrupt my focus on my prayer/meditation/breathing routine.
As I rose from my bed to go into the bathroom and cough and sneeze and clear my airways some more, I thought about the whole scene I'm creating. I cursed my limitations as a human being in a physical body. I told MCG to be patient since I was still human, and had to take care of these annoying irritating human biological conditions.
Also, as I walked, I lamented that my curse is to be someone who was raised one way (Mormon), but then doubted it, and necessarily therefore examined it, and was faced with the question, "Which religion IS the right one - for me?"
Not a new dilemma. I mentally reviewed the major ones. "If not Mormon, which one is it for me? It can't be Catholic, or Protestant, or Jewish, or Muslim. It has to be SOMETHING. Religion is people's answers to "the purpose of life" and "how we should live." And atheism is ALSO an answer to the purpose of life."
"Je suis ne catholique, et je reste catholique." That's a much simpler answer. But I no longer have the luxury of saying "I was born Mormon, and I'm staying Mormon." Too late. I already doubted. The cat's out of the bag. The can of worms has been opened.
WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON?
I feel more distant from MCG and from almost everyone here on earth that I know.
So what do I do now?
I get up & dressed & go visit Lisa & family, and take care of little Eli while they move into their new house in San Clemente.
Today, I wish I had kept earning an income for the past few years. It would have allowed me to do some nice things for my family. Like getting them a housewarming gift.
*sigh*
LTD (actually recorded the following day - 20130914)
I recalled a dream I'd had last night, but when I logged back on to record it, I kept getting a "frozen screen" which of course further irritated and annoyed. So now, I'm recording my recollection of the dream, but it's 24 hours later. (*sigh*)
The dream: I saw myself in progressively worsening and extremely disadvantageous conditions. I apparently had been driving a car (the image of my family's 1966 Aztec Bronze Chevrolet Impala comes to mind), and had parked it somewhere. At a later point in the dream, I could not remember where it was parked. I realized that I no longer had the keys. I was later aware that I had no clothes on, except for a pair of boxer shorts. Thus, I had no wallet, no ID on me. I was wandering in some part of a city, looking for help, or some way out of this dilemma. There were no other people visible in the dream, but I was fearful of meeting someone while in this state of affairs. I inwardly thought that this situation would somehow resolve itself, but it never did before the dream ended. (EOD)
Thursday, September 12, 2013
ROUTINE
This morning, I'm lying in bed with a sore knee (although today it feels minimally better). As my knee improves gradually, I'm led to think more about how I spend my day(s).
I could continue my routine, which has generally been as follows:
1. Meditation/prayer to MCG
2. Breathing to improve spirit, mind and body
3. Squeezing testicles 63+ times
4. Inversion Stretching - CANNOT be done while my knee heals.
5. Sit-ups & push-ups
6. Loren Johnson's yoga routine - CANNOT put stress on knees or bend them in yoga poses.
This is depressing.
Also, I'm depressed about my career (what else is new?). I have a job of sorts with David Timpson, but it has yet to become a real job. Oracle left me wondering for 2 weeks, and then called to say an interview is unlikely, since I had some "stiff competition" with more recent experience. I'm torn about Oracle (or other such opportunities) since it would mean going back to sales & software, which I'd wanted to leave behind me. But if I could have the right situation in that field (i.e., enough money & the right job & the right people), I'd go back temporarily.
And then my age is depressing, too. What can I do (if Timpson doesn't come through)? I'm at a loss to know.
Healing (i.e., my knee) is a slow process. That's frustrating, and yet I'm glad for the slowness in some ways. It allows me to be less stressed, and it allows me to observe more incremental improvements.
I'm imagining someone lying on a hospital bed with long-term injuries (or illness or disease), and figuring out how to handle the healing process both physically and mentally.
*sigh*
Well, things very well could take a significantly different turn within the next few weeks.
Meanwhile, I'm staying low key (?) and allowing my knee to heal, while I'm processing other issues (financial, food, computer, radio, reading..... and other stuff I don't recall right now).
I'm not sure if writing the above was therapeutic. Also, apparently, no one else is reading my posts. Not even me.
LTD (but only about an hour later)
I feel like such a big fucking failure. I never went beyond a BA/BS, never reached a personal educational or career goal.
And my right knee hurts. I thought it might be getting better, but today the pain is a bit more intense, and it seems like there's related pain in my entire right leg. I can feel something (not sure what) in my hip, my thigh (bone?), my upper shin, and my foot.
Does pain caused from one source "move around?" I've noticed upper arm pains, which disappeared as I continued to exercise. But I'm not so sure that that's what caused them to go away.
I took 2 Advil (for swelling) at 8:30 AM (need to wait 4 hours before taking any more). I want to use ice, but then I wouldn't be sure if the pain was affected (reduced) by the Advil or the ice.
Life is hard.
Saturday, September 7, 2013
PRIDE - THE HUMAN KIND
Okay so here I am in Las Vegas, staying chez Kraig and Chris, and it's Saturday morning, the morning after our "wild night" in old downtown LV, where they had a gay pride parade at 8:00 PM. Makes sense with the daytime highs being 100+ degrees. We found a nice spot in front of Starbucks where we had chairs with backs and a very nice view.
Those in attendance in our little entourage: 4 gay men, 2 straight women. There would have been 1 straight man but he had to e with his 9-year-old daughter whom he dared not bring to the parade, lest she see a naked butt or something "too gay".
I said "wild night" - and it WAS. I had TWO drinks, and we didn't get home until WELL after 10:30!! (Yeah, I mean 10:30 "PM")
So. What am I proud of? My kids, for one thing. I might be responsible for some things in their lives. But over all, it's more feeling lucky, or blessed, than pride.
I cringe at the thought of them or their partners or their children being harmed or seriously sick. So far, all seems to be okay in regard to that. I do thank MCG daily for them, and ask for their safety and well being and happiness, along with the opportunity to know and live their life purposes, even if (shuddering here) that means being harmed and/or seriously sick.
But would I want MY 9-year-old child with me at a gay pride parade?
I'd be proud.
Those in attendance in our little entourage: 4 gay men, 2 straight women. There would have been 1 straight man but he had to e with his 9-year-old daughter whom he dared not bring to the parade, lest she see a naked butt or something "too gay".
I said "wild night" - and it WAS. I had TWO drinks, and we didn't get home until WELL after 10:30!! (Yeah, I mean 10:30 "PM")
So. What am I proud of? My kids, for one thing. I might be responsible for some things in their lives. But over all, it's more feeling lucky, or blessed, than pride.
I cringe at the thought of them or their partners or their children being harmed or seriously sick. So far, all seems to be okay in regard to that. I do thank MCG daily for them, and ask for their safety and well being and happiness, along with the opportunity to know and live their life purposes, even if (shuddering here) that means being harmed and/or seriously sick.
But would I want MY 9-year-old child with me at a gay pride parade?
I'd be proud.
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
HEALING - WAITING
Staying off my knee again today. It just might be working to lie around and "let it heal."
We shall see.
Meanwhile, it's another day of waiting.
I could write the same few lines to several people today (or alternatively, could call them and say:)
Hi (David, Andre, Michael, Jonathan):
I've spent the better part of my days lately waiting for you to return my call. I'm kind of going crazy here, wondering what the "update" might be on our next step(s). Could you at least let me know today? I'd really appreciate it.
Ken
So now it's 8:38, and there's no call from anyone.
*sigh*
LTD
I decided to contact the above 4 people, starting with David T. I texted him about 2 hours ago, and just now (at 1:45PM) he texted me back, saying that there's a "good chance" that tomorrow will bring "good news." That's not much different from all his prior updates, but it's still positive.
If he contacts me tomorrow with some tangible (i.e., here's some money) news, then I'll be much less focused on getting an answer from Oracle. However, I still can't figure out why someone would ask me for my resume (and etc.), and after I've provided it, not even be willing to say something like "I don't have any information for you yet" or some such).
Re Andre, I don't think he's in a hurry to deal with TLE and our plans as of now; he's been "put in his place" by me, so he's feeling a bit wounded or something. So it's anyone's guess when/if he'll contact us again.
Re Jonathan, he is surprising me by his silence. I'm not sure if he is (or can be) interested in TLE any further, but only a conversation will reveal that.
*sigh*
So, I called Jonathan's number, which had a recording saying he's out all day today, and will likely call me back, but I can call HIM on Thursday. Which I will do. At least he's not avoiding me on purpose.
Waiting is no fun, but hey, at least I know about 2 of the 4 "callers" as of now, and will likely talk to both tomorrow.
And my renter says he'll deposit his rent today, which is nice (he usually waits until the end of the day on the 5th).
Money's tight (unless I withdraw more from my LOE), so I'm glad to have at least a hint of some good news to come soon.
"Tomorrow is another day." As long as I wake up & have close to the same situation as I have had today. I often think that the only thing I know for sure is that I seem to wake up day after day, and things are very close to how they were the day before. And I'm still a gay male human being.
But tomorrow COULD bring good news from David T & Jonathan W. We shall see.
O & O
We shall see.
Meanwhile, it's another day of waiting.
I could write the same few lines to several people today (or alternatively, could call them and say:)
Hi (David, Andre, Michael, Jonathan):
I've spent the better part of my days lately waiting for you to return my call. I'm kind of going crazy here, wondering what the "update" might be on our next step(s). Could you at least let me know today? I'd really appreciate it.
Ken
So now it's 8:38, and there's no call from anyone.
*sigh*
LTD
I decided to contact the above 4 people, starting with David T. I texted him about 2 hours ago, and just now (at 1:45PM) he texted me back, saying that there's a "good chance" that tomorrow will bring "good news." That's not much different from all his prior updates, but it's still positive.
If he contacts me tomorrow with some tangible (i.e., here's some money) news, then I'll be much less focused on getting an answer from Oracle. However, I still can't figure out why someone would ask me for my resume (and etc.), and after I've provided it, not even be willing to say something like "I don't have any information for you yet" or some such).
Re Andre, I don't think he's in a hurry to deal with TLE and our plans as of now; he's been "put in his place" by me, so he's feeling a bit wounded or something. So it's anyone's guess when/if he'll contact us again.
Re Jonathan, he is surprising me by his silence. I'm not sure if he is (or can be) interested in TLE any further, but only a conversation will reveal that.
*sigh*
So, I called Jonathan's number, which had a recording saying he's out all day today, and will likely call me back, but I can call HIM on Thursday. Which I will do. At least he's not avoiding me on purpose.
Waiting is no fun, but hey, at least I know about 2 of the 4 "callers" as of now, and will likely talk to both tomorrow.
And my renter says he'll deposit his rent today, which is nice (he usually waits until the end of the day on the 5th).
Money's tight (unless I withdraw more from my LOE), so I'm glad to have at least a hint of some good news to come soon.
"Tomorrow is another day." As long as I wake up & have close to the same situation as I have had today. I often think that the only thing I know for sure is that I seem to wake up day after day, and things are very close to how they were the day before. And I'm still a gay male human being.
But tomorrow COULD bring good news from David T & Jonathan W. We shall see.
O & O
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
ADDICTION - NOTHING STICKS - FINANCES
It's Tuesday morning, I am very perplexed by life. as usual, my thoughts are like eating bouillon soup with a fork. But still I will try to record some important information about my life, for whatever reason there might be today.
For the first time, I am doing this by voice texting, from my iPhone. I have kind of learned how to do this without creating too many errors. But it still needs editing, and of coarse, I will edit it for the obvious errors.
****
I switched to my laptop. Much easier to write here.
Renaming this post "ADDICTION."
I'm an addict in the following ways:
- Addicted to procrastination & laziness. I've almost always looked for a way to escape obligations, even self-imposed ones.
- Addicted to depression. However, being aware that I'm depressed is new.
- Addicted to sex/sex clubs/sex websites/porn. Although I don't ACT on these all that often, I still see an addiction within myself.
- Addicted to being alone emotionally (or is it "addicted to destroying relationships?")
So, if you realize that you WOULD BE addicted to something, if you gave into it more often, can you then say that you are NOT ADDICTED to it? "Prone" to it, maybe? "I have homosexual 'leanings'." In my case, my "leanings" have turned out to be a "5" on the Kinsey scale. I can't say "6" because I did marry a woman and I did have sex with her many times. But she was the only woman.
What I CAN say is that no matter what I SAY (or WRITE) about something, it can hardly change the nature of it.
Or can it?
And further, what I DO about it probably doesn't change much.
Or does it?
Actually, that begs the question of why I'm writing all these posts. Do I expect some sort of change? I suppose I do. Perhaps some insights will "occur." Maybe I'll re-read it and make a different, better choice at some future crossroad.
But I don't think I'm at the point (yet) of having something I've written impact me to any significant degree. IOW, so far, not much has "stuck" with me. When I re-read stuff I've written - IMPORTANT stuff - it's usually like I'm reading it for the first time. Bad memory? Reading it too infrequently?
Either way, nothing sticks for me, with the possible exception of a few addictions.
Renaming this post ADDICTION - NOTHING STICKS
Thought sequence: My English. Eric Lefrandt's English. Eric Lefrandt's trip to Scotland (with Arno, his ex-husband). Eric Lefrandt's financial situation. My financial situation. And then the lament: "Why is it that Eric can afford to go to Scotland - with his ex - while I am a person who has earned a lot of money, and now I can't even afford a trip to Las Vegas?" My answer: I haven't managed my money very well over my earning career, and I haven't awakened to my own poverty yet. So I'm going to Vegas anyway.
The obvious next statement: "Maybe I'll get lucky in Vegas."
With a "Fifty cent maximum" I doubt it'll happen. At least I'm not addicted to gambling.
Renaming this post ADDICTION - NOTHING STICKS - FINANCES
In other news, my almost-daily visit to RfM (Recovery from Mormonism website, www.exmormon.org) has been prevented today by the fact that the admin is apparently having some problem, resulting in the message that I can't access right now, and to try later.
OK, it can happen.
Today I call Wells Fargo - we'll see how that goes. Yesterday, I anticipated the call and imagined that, "with my luck" I'd likely not get through at all, or I'd get some excuse like "I can't do anything for another 60 days" or "Can you call me back in 2 weeks?" or "I know we need to meet, but I just got a new assignment and I thought you were my boss calling to ask me for a report" or some such.
But I'm almost always wrong & unable to accurately predict how things will go. So maybe..... MAYbe.... it will be good news.
LTD (later that day)
I got voice mail for Wells Fargo. Oh well. Wrong as I was, at least there's a chance he (i.e. the gay Wells Fargo foundation/donation VP, Jonathan Weedman) will call back.
I've taken 2 Midol, and now 2 Bayer Back & Body pills for my knee (and leg) pain. I'm hoping that "staying off of it" for the next 2 days will make a difference. Thus far, the 4 pills have not alleviated the pains, which are in my right knee, and sort of all up and down my right leg. The pains seem to move around, except for the knee pain which stays no matter what other areas hurt.
"I JUST GOT IT" - this is a phenomenon I've noticed that happens to me occasionally, and during conversations with others, most often in a group setting.
Here's how it went the other day (and this is typical): I was at lunch for Jaren M's birthday, and we were with 4 of his friends, all eating at one of Jaren's favorite seafood restaurants in Burbank. It was all-you-can-eat mostly Asian fare. One of the friends announced that he had a headache, and I immediately offered him some pain pills by Bayer which I almost always have with me: Bayer Back and Body. When I said "Bayer Back and Body" he and others laughed. I said, "No, that's what they are." He accepted them, and I think they helped him.
So today, with my knee pain, I took some BBB, and I recalled the incident at lunch. For some reason, at lunch, I didn't see any humor - I just gave him the pills. But now, I repeated "Bayer Back and Body" to myself, and the humor clicked in: Bareback and Body. Ohhhhhhhhh, I get it now.
Funny how I not only DIDN'T get it at lunch, but I also maintained enough "composure" (what other word could I use here? ___________) such that everyone thought I got it, too. I'm known for a dry sense of humor, and as such, I will not laugh or even smile at something humorous, and others have come to expect me to make some dead-pan comment. In this case, I might have said "No, that's what they are." and added "Don't you wish they'd give you a bearback trip with a body?" or some such.
But no, I just really didn't get it until today.
And further, I've announced the name of my pain med to others in the past, and I'm vaguely recalling that others have snickered or smiled as I said "Bayer Back & Body." Again, I never thought of any other meaning at the time.
Oh well, I again have "saved face" by being sort of neutral. And if anyone went back to those conversations and said, "You never got that, did you?" I could reply with "Of course I got it. I was just being my usual dead-pan, dry-humored self." Which would have been a lie. So far, no one has done that.
But "I" have thought it, and I don't want to lie to myself. So, Ken, here is the truth: YOU DIDN'T GET IT until 2 days later (e.g.).
I wouldn't have made such a big deal about this, but it does happen a lot when I'm in a group setting, in a social setting, etc. Well, it happens "too much" for me. Perhaps it happens to EVERYone. So what? I'm concerned that it happens to ME. (And this blog is about ME.)
So, if I am focused on this kind of thing happening to me, then perhaps it is diminished by my focusing on it. Perhaps not. Optimistically, I entertain the idea that as I think about it, it will happen less and less. Pessimistically, I speculate that no matter how much I think about it, it will still happen when (but not necessarily every time) I'm in a group setting, and I'm speaking.
This addresses the heart of my self-concept. Mom used to quote a poem which begins, "I have to live with myself, and so, I want to be fit for myself to know....." (that's all I can remember right now). So, if she's right (i.e., that I DO have to live with myself), I have to live with this "not getting it" aspect of me.
I don't like it. But it keeps happening. Not every time I speak. Not every day. Not every time I'm in a group setting. But it does keep happening.
I've been blessed/cursed with an awareness of this kind of thing. Why? What good can come of noticing it, especially if I can not change it or improve it or eliminate it? Or can I? IDK.
It's easy to write this kind of thing out, observing it from several perspectives, etc, etc. But it's quite another thing to think about DOING something in response.
Time for a change of pace: An apple with some peanut butter, as my mid-morning snack. Yay!
LTD
Ate the apple; will be glad when my "Kroger" brand of smooth peanut butter (which I bought somewhere in Utah) is gone (it almost is), so I can get back to Laura Scudder's brand. MUCH better & healthier & purer.
INSERT: A note on Kroger peanut butter. I'm in my room, and I have a fork which I use to speare the apple chunks, and then dip them into the peanut butter jar. Kroger's peanut butter is, as I alluded to above, less healthy and less good than Laura Scudder's brand. But I noticed something else about Kroger's peanut butter, and it's the jar. It's a plastic jar, and the bottom is sort of "corrugated" or "bumpy" at the bottom. In order to get ALL the peanut butter out, you'd have to sort of "wipe" each space at the bottom. If you use a knife, fork, or normal sized spoon, you will leave some of the peanut butter behind as you come to the end of the supply in the jar. Hmmmm. I'm led to wonder if they do that on purpose. I'd bet that they DO. That small amount of "leftover" peanut butter, in each jar, would amount to quite a bit of wasted product. And that translates to more frequent purchase of their product. Which of course increases their profits. Am I cynical? I suppose in a way, I am. But it's hard to argue with that fact. I, being KeRoTay, will not let them win, in two ways: 1) I dislike their product enough to not buy it again, but 2) I like it enough, and I'm pissed off enough, to finish the entire jar, even the peanut butter between the ridges at the bottom of the jar. For that, I'll need a small knife or spoon, or maybe a spatula. I'll have to go down to the kitchen to see what I can find.
Still can't get onto RfM's board. But I DID read some of the letters Eric K received soon after he began his "page" (as they called it back in the mid-90s). Mormons were quite unbelievable in how they wrote. I wonder if any of the 15 or so letter authors has left the church by now.
I thought, as I read, that my 2 kids would not likely write anything like that. They're both college-educated, and Joe particularly is particular about what words (and spelling) he choose to express his ideas. I can't imagine he (or Lisa) would write so carelessly.
But they both might have the same core feelings as the writers did. And that scares me. I do wish that somehow I could "crack" that shell of testimony they have, so that they could look at life more open-mindedly.
It would be interesting for each of them to honestly answer the question, "Why do you continue to believe in and live according to the precepts taught by the Utah LDS Church?"
I suppose I'll have to leave that at this point in time. They're not likely to be willing to even address it right now. David T tells me that he thinks a person usually has to get to his 50s before s/he seriously questions his personal beliefs.
For me, it was 35, and of course it was "catalyst-ized" (is that a word? no, but the meaning is clear) by my homosexuality. Perhaps without addressing my sexual nature, I would have taken longer to address the issues of Mormonism.
Who knows?
The RfM site is BACK UP! Yay! That's another addiction I have. Sort of.
LTD
I opened up today's post again, just in case I feel inspired or compelled or motivated to record any thoughts.
Watching Jeopardy, I realize that I'm not all that bright, or quick to recall stuff I know. It's the "tournament of champions" so they're all very brainy and quick. But it's still fun to try to answer some questions (or, more accurately, to question some answers) as the game goes on.
This Jeopardy is one of the ones I've enjoyed more than any others. I actually learned something new (e.g., sygyzy - when the sun, the moon and the earth align), rather than just saying mostly "I knew that!"
"Thirst for Knowledge" - I apparently have a bit more lately. It began with David T recommending that I buy some books on CD to listen to during my May Tripper in May. I did that, and I bought Bill Bryson's "A Short History of Just About Everything." It was nice not to have to be reading, in spite of the inability to make margin notes & comments.
So, info learned on Jeopardy was more pleasing. And now "The Big Bang Theory" is on TV, so I'm learning more information, with a corny humorous bent.
I might be frustrated and depressed, but I feel a bit better right now. Could have something to do with my earlier conversation with Andy S, about my involvement in The Lavender Effect.
But whoa, Ken.... hold on.
You expected to hear from a) Oracle, b) Wells Fargo, and c) David Timpson today. And not one of them called.
Maybe tomorrow, of course. But I'm depressed about today. Why the HELL couldn't at least ONE of these people contact me, at the very least to say, "No news right now. Let's talk later."
I almost ALWAYS have to wait like this. I don't know what to think about it. I suppose I should say "They'll call, they're just not ready now." But I still think the odds are somehow stacked against me. It happens so often, especially when waiting for employment news.
In a perfect world, I would have gotten a call from David Timpson, saying that we can move forward financially as we've discussed. (I've been waiting for more than six months for his "ship to come in.") Then I would have gotten a call from Wells Fargo, agreeing to schedule a meeting with the VP of Corporate Giving (a gay guy) to discuss donations to TLE. (He says he always returns all his calls.) And finally, I would have gotten a call from Michael Spano at Oracle. (And I would not have cared WHAT he said.)
But no, I am not extended the common courtesy of an update to my requests.
Why not? What about me makes people who receive a request from me, ignore me?
I have a hard time believing that it always is a coincidence. But it HAS to be, right?
FUCK everybody, then!
For the first time, I am doing this by voice texting, from my iPhone. I have kind of learned how to do this without creating too many errors. But it still needs editing, and of coarse, I will edit it for the obvious errors.
****
I switched to my laptop. Much easier to write here.
Renaming this post "ADDICTION."
I'm an addict in the following ways:
- Addicted to procrastination & laziness. I've almost always looked for a way to escape obligations, even self-imposed ones.
- Addicted to depression. However, being aware that I'm depressed is new.
- Addicted to sex/sex clubs/sex websites/porn. Although I don't ACT on these all that often, I still see an addiction within myself.
- Addicted to being alone emotionally (or is it "addicted to destroying relationships?")
So, if you realize that you WOULD BE addicted to something, if you gave into it more often, can you then say that you are NOT ADDICTED to it? "Prone" to it, maybe? "I have homosexual 'leanings'." In my case, my "leanings" have turned out to be a "5" on the Kinsey scale. I can't say "6" because I did marry a woman and I did have sex with her many times. But she was the only woman.
What I CAN say is that no matter what I SAY (or WRITE) about something, it can hardly change the nature of it.
Or can it?
And further, what I DO about it probably doesn't change much.
Or does it?
Actually, that begs the question of why I'm writing all these posts. Do I expect some sort of change? I suppose I do. Perhaps some insights will "occur." Maybe I'll re-read it and make a different, better choice at some future crossroad.
But I don't think I'm at the point (yet) of having something I've written impact me to any significant degree. IOW, so far, not much has "stuck" with me. When I re-read stuff I've written - IMPORTANT stuff - it's usually like I'm reading it for the first time. Bad memory? Reading it too infrequently?
Either way, nothing sticks for me, with the possible exception of a few addictions.
Renaming this post ADDICTION - NOTHING STICKS
Thought sequence: My English. Eric Lefrandt's English. Eric Lefrandt's trip to Scotland (with Arno, his ex-husband). Eric Lefrandt's financial situation. My financial situation. And then the lament: "Why is it that Eric can afford to go to Scotland - with his ex - while I am a person who has earned a lot of money, and now I can't even afford a trip to Las Vegas?" My answer: I haven't managed my money very well over my earning career, and I haven't awakened to my own poverty yet. So I'm going to Vegas anyway.
The obvious next statement: "Maybe I'll get lucky in Vegas."
With a "Fifty cent maximum" I doubt it'll happen. At least I'm not addicted to gambling.
Renaming this post ADDICTION - NOTHING STICKS - FINANCES
In other news, my almost-daily visit to RfM (Recovery from Mormonism website, www.exmormon.org) has been prevented today by the fact that the admin is apparently having some problem, resulting in the message that I can't access right now, and to try later.
OK, it can happen.
Today I call Wells Fargo - we'll see how that goes. Yesterday, I anticipated the call and imagined that, "with my luck" I'd likely not get through at all, or I'd get some excuse like "I can't do anything for another 60 days" or "Can you call me back in 2 weeks?" or "I know we need to meet, but I just got a new assignment and I thought you were my boss calling to ask me for a report" or some such.
But I'm almost always wrong & unable to accurately predict how things will go. So maybe..... MAYbe.... it will be good news.
LTD (later that day)
I got voice mail for Wells Fargo. Oh well. Wrong as I was, at least there's a chance he (i.e. the gay Wells Fargo foundation/donation VP, Jonathan Weedman) will call back.
I've taken 2 Midol, and now 2 Bayer Back & Body pills for my knee (and leg) pain. I'm hoping that "staying off of it" for the next 2 days will make a difference. Thus far, the 4 pills have not alleviated the pains, which are in my right knee, and sort of all up and down my right leg. The pains seem to move around, except for the knee pain which stays no matter what other areas hurt.
"I JUST GOT IT" - this is a phenomenon I've noticed that happens to me occasionally, and during conversations with others, most often in a group setting.
Here's how it went the other day (and this is typical): I was at lunch for Jaren M's birthday, and we were with 4 of his friends, all eating at one of Jaren's favorite seafood restaurants in Burbank. It was all-you-can-eat mostly Asian fare. One of the friends announced that he had a headache, and I immediately offered him some pain pills by Bayer which I almost always have with me: Bayer Back and Body. When I said "Bayer Back and Body" he and others laughed. I said, "No, that's what they are." He accepted them, and I think they helped him.
So today, with my knee pain, I took some BBB, and I recalled the incident at lunch. For some reason, at lunch, I didn't see any humor - I just gave him the pills. But now, I repeated "Bayer Back and Body" to myself, and the humor clicked in: Bareback and Body. Ohhhhhhhhh, I get it now.
Funny how I not only DIDN'T get it at lunch, but I also maintained enough "composure" (what other word could I use here? ___________) such that everyone thought I got it, too. I'm known for a dry sense of humor, and as such, I will not laugh or even smile at something humorous, and others have come to expect me to make some dead-pan comment. In this case, I might have said "No, that's what they are." and added "Don't you wish they'd give you a bearback trip with a body?" or some such.
But no, I just really didn't get it until today.
And further, I've announced the name of my pain med to others in the past, and I'm vaguely recalling that others have snickered or smiled as I said "Bayer Back & Body." Again, I never thought of any other meaning at the time.
Oh well, I again have "saved face" by being sort of neutral. And if anyone went back to those conversations and said, "You never got that, did you?" I could reply with "Of course I got it. I was just being my usual dead-pan, dry-humored self." Which would have been a lie. So far, no one has done that.
But "I" have thought it, and I don't want to lie to myself. So, Ken, here is the truth: YOU DIDN'T GET IT until 2 days later (e.g.).
I wouldn't have made such a big deal about this, but it does happen a lot when I'm in a group setting, in a social setting, etc. Well, it happens "too much" for me. Perhaps it happens to EVERYone. So what? I'm concerned that it happens to ME. (And this blog is about ME.)
So, if I am focused on this kind of thing happening to me, then perhaps it is diminished by my focusing on it. Perhaps not. Optimistically, I entertain the idea that as I think about it, it will happen less and less. Pessimistically, I speculate that no matter how much I think about it, it will still happen when (but not necessarily every time) I'm in a group setting, and I'm speaking.
This addresses the heart of my self-concept. Mom used to quote a poem which begins, "I have to live with myself, and so, I want to be fit for myself to know....." (that's all I can remember right now). So, if she's right (i.e., that I DO have to live with myself), I have to live with this "not getting it" aspect of me.
I don't like it. But it keeps happening. Not every time I speak. Not every day. Not every time I'm in a group setting. But it does keep happening.
I've been blessed/cursed with an awareness of this kind of thing. Why? What good can come of noticing it, especially if I can not change it or improve it or eliminate it? Or can I? IDK.
It's easy to write this kind of thing out, observing it from several perspectives, etc, etc. But it's quite another thing to think about DOING something in response.
Time for a change of pace: An apple with some peanut butter, as my mid-morning snack. Yay!
LTD
Ate the apple; will be glad when my "Kroger" brand of smooth peanut butter (which I bought somewhere in Utah) is gone (it almost is), so I can get back to Laura Scudder's brand. MUCH better & healthier & purer.
INSERT: A note on Kroger peanut butter. I'm in my room, and I have a fork which I use to speare the apple chunks, and then dip them into the peanut butter jar. Kroger's peanut butter is, as I alluded to above, less healthy and less good than Laura Scudder's brand. But I noticed something else about Kroger's peanut butter, and it's the jar. It's a plastic jar, and the bottom is sort of "corrugated" or "bumpy" at the bottom. In order to get ALL the peanut butter out, you'd have to sort of "wipe" each space at the bottom. If you use a knife, fork, or normal sized spoon, you will leave some of the peanut butter behind as you come to the end of the supply in the jar. Hmmmm. I'm led to wonder if they do that on purpose. I'd bet that they DO. That small amount of "leftover" peanut butter, in each jar, would amount to quite a bit of wasted product. And that translates to more frequent purchase of their product. Which of course increases their profits. Am I cynical? I suppose in a way, I am. But it's hard to argue with that fact. I, being KeRoTay, will not let them win, in two ways: 1) I dislike their product enough to not buy it again, but 2) I like it enough, and I'm pissed off enough, to finish the entire jar, even the peanut butter between the ridges at the bottom of the jar. For that, I'll need a small knife or spoon, or maybe a spatula. I'll have to go down to the kitchen to see what I can find.
Still can't get onto RfM's board. But I DID read some of the letters Eric K received soon after he began his "page" (as they called it back in the mid-90s). Mormons were quite unbelievable in how they wrote. I wonder if any of the 15 or so letter authors has left the church by now.
I thought, as I read, that my 2 kids would not likely write anything like that. They're both college-educated, and Joe particularly is particular about what words (and spelling) he choose to express his ideas. I can't imagine he (or Lisa) would write so carelessly.
But they both might have the same core feelings as the writers did. And that scares me. I do wish that somehow I could "crack" that shell of testimony they have, so that they could look at life more open-mindedly.
It would be interesting for each of them to honestly answer the question, "Why do you continue to believe in and live according to the precepts taught by the Utah LDS Church?"
I suppose I'll have to leave that at this point in time. They're not likely to be willing to even address it right now. David T tells me that he thinks a person usually has to get to his 50s before s/he seriously questions his personal beliefs.
For me, it was 35, and of course it was "catalyst-ized" (is that a word? no, but the meaning is clear) by my homosexuality. Perhaps without addressing my sexual nature, I would have taken longer to address the issues of Mormonism.
Who knows?
The RfM site is BACK UP! Yay! That's another addiction I have. Sort of.
LTD
I opened up today's post again, just in case I feel inspired or compelled or motivated to record any thoughts.
Watching Jeopardy, I realize that I'm not all that bright, or quick to recall stuff I know. It's the "tournament of champions" so they're all very brainy and quick. But it's still fun to try to answer some questions (or, more accurately, to question some answers) as the game goes on.
This Jeopardy is one of the ones I've enjoyed more than any others. I actually learned something new (e.g., sygyzy - when the sun, the moon and the earth align), rather than just saying mostly "I knew that!"
"Thirst for Knowledge" - I apparently have a bit more lately. It began with David T recommending that I buy some books on CD to listen to during my May Tripper in May. I did that, and I bought Bill Bryson's "A Short History of Just About Everything." It was nice not to have to be reading, in spite of the inability to make margin notes & comments.
So, info learned on Jeopardy was more pleasing. And now "The Big Bang Theory" is on TV, so I'm learning more information, with a corny humorous bent.
I might be frustrated and depressed, but I feel a bit better right now. Could have something to do with my earlier conversation with Andy S, about my involvement in The Lavender Effect.
But whoa, Ken.... hold on.
You expected to hear from a) Oracle, b) Wells Fargo, and c) David Timpson today. And not one of them called.
Maybe tomorrow, of course. But I'm depressed about today. Why the HELL couldn't at least ONE of these people contact me, at the very least to say, "No news right now. Let's talk later."
I almost ALWAYS have to wait like this. I don't know what to think about it. I suppose I should say "They'll call, they're just not ready now." But I still think the odds are somehow stacked against me. It happens so often, especially when waiting for employment news.
In a perfect world, I would have gotten a call from David Timpson, saying that we can move forward financially as we've discussed. (I've been waiting for more than six months for his "ship to come in.") Then I would have gotten a call from Wells Fargo, agreeing to schedule a meeting with the VP of Corporate Giving (a gay guy) to discuss donations to TLE. (He says he always returns all his calls.) And finally, I would have gotten a call from Michael Spano at Oracle. (And I would not have cared WHAT he said.)
But no, I am not extended the common courtesy of an update to my requests.
Why not? What about me makes people who receive a request from me, ignore me?
I have a hard time believing that it always is a coincidence. But it HAS to be, right?
FUCK everybody, then!
Sunday, September 1, 2013
8th Post - SUNDAY MORNING
It's 6:24 AM. There's no one in the place.
WILFRED is over (for now). I've enjoyed watching the episodes, and I felt sorry that they were over (for now) this morning.
My laptop has been freezing (100% completely hard-reboot freezing) when I'm watching any videos. The folks I talk to on line about computer problems (i.e., when I google the problem, and find an on-line answer, it's THOSE folks I "talk" to. It actually means that I just try their solutionss, and most of the time, they work.)..... anyway, those folks gave me a list of possible solutions, which I'm now trying.
To test each step (i.e., to find out if that step were in fact the solution for my particular dilemma), I have to do the step, and then watch a bunch of videos. If the videos freeze up my laptop, then the step tried is not the solution I need.
Needless to say, tedious to perform all these steps, the thought of which makes me *sigh* and feel frustrated and makes me ask, "Why me? Is THIS the purpose of my life?" It seems like a colossal distraction, and a major waste of time.
So, Sunday morning is generally a time of rest & emailing. But today I feel messed up.
I can't believe I haven't yet showered since visiting TomKat theater on Friday night. I'm depressed & I don't feel motivated to keep up the "maintenance" (i.e., showering, shaving, straightening room, etc.). I DO eat, eliminate, and pay bills. Minimum stuff.
And today, anyway, I'm blogging.
*sigh*
Later that evening.....
I want to make it a matter of record (as they often say), that I usually have a difficult time finding things, and it's almost always because I was too lazy to put the item "back," or in a place that makes sense to find it.
Usually, I just put it in a stack, or in plain sight, so that I can find it more readily - supposedly. But it hardly EVER works out that way.
For example...... during my May Tripper trip around the country, I took my 2nd key to my car with me, and kept it in a zippered pocket inside my computer brief case. I had my passport & some other papers in the same place, for safe keeping.
During my trip (5 weeks) I never needed the extra key. When I was back home, I recall moving my passport & other stuff back to the place I keep them (uh-uh-uh.... I won't make THAT place a matter of this record!!) when I'm home. And I recall moving the key. But I don't recall where I put it. "I'll have to make a focused search for the key," I thought. But I never did.
Fast forward until THIS morning, when I for some reason was motivated to look for the key. (The key acts as the way my roommate could move my car should he ever need to when I'm not home.)
My first impulse was to look in the computer brief case, even though I looked through it a couple times right after I got home, and didn't (obviously) find the key. My nature is to look in what I think is the most likely place first. And if I don't find it fairly soon, I begin to lament my lame brain/memory.
"Why?!" I will lament, "WHY can't I ever find things?? It's such a waste of time, and it makes me so mad!"
Well, THIS time was different. I moved away from my usual position on the left side of my waterbed, and began to move toward my bedroom window where my computer briefcase was sitting. "On the way" (which is only about 10 steps) I paused a second, and said to myself, "I wonder if I might have put the key in my CPAP bag." I bent over, opened the bag, and pulled out the key!
Amazing feeling! Amazing event!
And I didn't even have to pray.
WILFRED is over (for now). I've enjoyed watching the episodes, and I felt sorry that they were over (for now) this morning.
My laptop has been freezing (100% completely hard-reboot freezing) when I'm watching any videos. The folks I talk to on line about computer problems (i.e., when I google the problem, and find an on-line answer, it's THOSE folks I "talk" to. It actually means that I just try their solutionss, and most of the time, they work.)..... anyway, those folks gave me a list of possible solutions, which I'm now trying.
To test each step (i.e., to find out if that step were in fact the solution for my particular dilemma), I have to do the step, and then watch a bunch of videos. If the videos freeze up my laptop, then the step tried is not the solution I need.
Needless to say, tedious to perform all these steps, the thought of which makes me *sigh* and feel frustrated and makes me ask, "Why me? Is THIS the purpose of my life?" It seems like a colossal distraction, and a major waste of time.
So, Sunday morning is generally a time of rest & emailing. But today I feel messed up.
I can't believe I haven't yet showered since visiting TomKat theater on Friday night. I'm depressed & I don't feel motivated to keep up the "maintenance" (i.e., showering, shaving, straightening room, etc.). I DO eat, eliminate, and pay bills. Minimum stuff.
And today, anyway, I'm blogging.
*sigh*
Later that evening.....
I want to make it a matter of record (as they often say), that I usually have a difficult time finding things, and it's almost always because I was too lazy to put the item "back," or in a place that makes sense to find it.
Usually, I just put it in a stack, or in plain sight, so that I can find it more readily - supposedly. But it hardly EVER works out that way.
For example...... during my May Tripper trip around the country, I took my 2nd key to my car with me, and kept it in a zippered pocket inside my computer brief case. I had my passport & some other papers in the same place, for safe keeping.
During my trip (5 weeks) I never needed the extra key. When I was back home, I recall moving my passport & other stuff back to the place I keep them (uh-uh-uh.... I won't make THAT place a matter of this record!!) when I'm home. And I recall moving the key. But I don't recall where I put it. "I'll have to make a focused search for the key," I thought. But I never did.
Fast forward until THIS morning, when I for some reason was motivated to look for the key. (The key acts as the way my roommate could move my car should he ever need to when I'm not home.)
My first impulse was to look in the computer brief case, even though I looked through it a couple times right after I got home, and didn't (obviously) find the key. My nature is to look in what I think is the most likely place first. And if I don't find it fairly soon, I begin to lament my lame brain/memory.
"Why?!" I will lament, "WHY can't I ever find things?? It's such a waste of time, and it makes me so mad!"
Well, THIS time was different. I moved away from my usual position on the left side of my waterbed, and began to move toward my bedroom window where my computer briefcase was sitting. "On the way" (which is only about 10 steps) I paused a second, and said to myself, "I wonder if I might have put the key in my CPAP bag." I bent over, opened the bag, and pulled out the key!
Amazing feeling! Amazing event!
And I didn't even have to pray.
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