So many things to write about, and till now in my life, my writing has been sporadic, and mostly uninteresting, sometimes even to me.
So anyway,
My "silent gold mining" could pay off today. I might get a call (or text, or email) from David telling me that I now have a full time job giving his money away, since the money has come in. We shall see.
I fell upon a wonderful saying yesterday (from the Netflix series SENSE8) about relationships between two people: A man is asked what is the basis for his loyalty to his friend to whom he refers to as his brother, and he replies, "It's nothing so accidental as blood. It's a choice."
Of course, I immediately thought of my biological brothers, and then David. It IS a choice for David and me. I will use the line/thought in a future communication with David, perhaps in a poem on HIS birthday.
These days, I'm wondering why it is that my children have not made more of a fuss over me.
Pity-alert!
On Father's Day, a few weeks ago, I received no card, and no gift, and no cake from either of my children. I recall when my father was celebrated, year after year, he got all of that, and more. Nevermind that his birthday, June 17, was sometimes the same day (when we gave him a "double dose" of cards, cakes and gifts). MY birthday is today, July 10, about 3 weeks apart from Father's Day.
This year, Joe called me, and as an afterthought, he had each of his kids who happened to be around get on the phone and say "Happy Father's Day, Papa!" It was very sweet, and I love them, and I'm glad they did it.
This year, Lisa texted me, saying that I'd be coming to babysit in a few days, and that she'd do the "Father's Day thing" then. That was also nice.
BTW, Lisa, you never mentioned Father's Day to me again, not when I was there, and not at any other time since when we've talked or texted.
I'm guessing that the other fathers in the lives of my kids received better recognition. Joe, Dan, Tom, Rodney, Paul...... they probably all got special recognition.
Well, what do you want, PapaKen? You left the family in 1988, and since then, there's a huge gap between you and "tradition."
And, you're gay. So you don't deserve anything special. In fact, it's ALWAYS awkward when you talk to family, and Teresa avoids talking to you.
But today's my birthday. I'm 65. And today's a chance for "them" to redeem themselves. HA! We shall see.
I'll likely get more recognition on fucking FACEBOOK from casual acquaintances than from family. And sometimes when others ask, "What did you do for your birthday?" I'll be forced to tell them (I'm inseparably attached to telling the truth at any consequence). Reminds me of the time a girl I was dating (Jody something) asked me "What did you get for Christmas?" - and I lied, saying I got nothing, because I was embarrassed about having gotten so little compared to her. I told her I got "nothing" since my parents wanted to teach me the "true meaning of Christmas." She was speechless, until I told her that I was kidding - that I really DID get stuff for Christmas. Her next response: "You're weird!"
What a stupid dumb life I've led.
So anyway....... back to reality.
This morning when I woke, I felt very rested. I decided to do my routine. But I shifted to a sort of "next level" regarding my physical exercise routine. Because I'm 65, I'm now going to do
34 regular crunches
34 bicycle crunches
34 push-ups
Why 34? Well, I was doing 32, and doubling 32 is 64. But I'm now 65.
So, if I double 34, I get 68, which is MORE than 65. And of course, I have to do an EVEN number so both side of my body get equal treatment.
So now, my routine is called "ROUTINE 34." I wonder at what age I'll no longer be able to do even the 34. Well, no matter. I can do it today. And today is possibly the only day I have left in my life.
SILENT GOLD MINE
It's been a struggle to know how to "be" lately. I'm expecting David's call (or text or email) and it seems more likely every day. Perhaps this will become a very memorable birthday for me. Perhaps not. In keeping with the "balancing act" of my life, I've tried to consider all possibilities:
a. Today
b. Someday soon
c. Someday later
d. Never
In each case, what would I do?
With a. Today and b. Someday soon, I've already created a sort of "budget" based on percentages which I'll use to "divide up" the money.
It's hard to dwell on that, because I don't know for sure how much to even estimate it will be.
With c. Someday later and d. Never, I won't have to deal with it anytime (or anytime soon).
If the amount is minimal, it will be a non-issue.
Likelihood: A minimal amount (a few thousand, perhaps), and not for another 30 days.
So...... so it could be.
But David DID say I should plan on meeting his colleagues (about the "Charity" leg of their enterprise) when I come to SLC next week. He even referred to the office they've leased as "our office" - meaning David & Ken's office - which we'll have access to. So there's that.
Meanwhile, I'm focusing on HOW to live each day.
Haircut or no haircut?
More skin cream?
Gym membership?
Dental work?
Charmin or cheap brand?
Repaint car or replace car?
Say something to Dr. Pruitt or keep quiet for now?
Say something to ANYONE or keep quiet for now?
etc. etc. etc.
Well, no matter WHAT the "Silent Gold Mine" status is, I'm still turning 65 today.
I'm well on my way to being "old" and "older" and "elderly."
It's trite and strange, but true that I don't "feel old." I feel the same as I always did. Wonder why it was set up or evolved that way. Maybe it's to keep us from getting too depressed about being old. Maybe that's better than feeling your age, and giving up too soon. Who knows?
I know...... NOH--THINK! (as Hogan's Heroes' Schultz would say.)
But it's true - I DO know nothing. Nothing about why I'm here, and why things have gone/are going they way they are in my life.
Am I in control? REALLY? I think not.
At the very least, I'm not in control since I've chosen not to control, but rather to float on the raft of life, not thinking too much about the past or the future. Merely, "Let's see what today might bring."
Well, that's my "legacy" and the honest truth about my life to date.
Yes, turning 65 is just another day. The earth rotated and the "sun came up" and now it's light & I'm awake and alive.
But here's why I don't think I'm in control. No matter the plans I might make for a "revolutionary change" (etc) in my life...... I'm still me. I'm Ken Taylor. I'm not going to sing or change the world or become a heart surgeon or play the piano well. I'm just going to be Ken Taylor.
And yes, there are new paths ahead, and changes that will occur. Perhaps even financial ones.
But I'm still me, and today is a beautiful new day, the next in a long series of days when I've died at night, and been reborn the next morning.
In that regard, today is no different.
Oh, how my heart wishes it could be. But so far, it's no different.
On we go.
