It's about 9am here (10am in SLC), and I have not heard anything from David.
Is today the day?
If $$ had been received, it would have been available by now.
*sigh*
I think I'm in for yet another full day of "silence" - and I'll be asking myself if I should or should not contact DT throughout the day.
I'm going to try not to.
10 am: still no call or text.
Almost 11am: still no call or text.
Bleak hope.
12:30 pm: still no call or text.
Even less "bleak hope."
5:30pm: text arrived, saying that it's now TOMORROW (Wednesday) or the next day, when the funds will arrive.
*sigh*
slightly more hope now.
Tuesday, February 27, 2018
Sunday, February 25, 2018
20180218 GOOD BYE HOLLYWOOD. THANKS FOR COMING BY.
Watching movies. AKRON (a gay-themed movie that brought me some lessons) on HULU.
And now DEPARTURE. We'll see what Hollywood brings me now.
I would go back on another day, but at the same time, hoping he'd be there agaoin. But I'd know in my heart that he wouldn't be there. And he never was. So geht's fur mich.
But Hollywood says he would be. And he always IS.
Mum, you're going to lose your son to Clement.
This is a strange movie. Brits & Frenchies, cultural intersection. Half English, half French. But young teen boys are beyond borders.
It's fitting & proper that I be alone this weekend, the last one before my new life with David is announced.
"The air is pregnant with new beginnings." (redundant)
Ca me fait mal, que de regarder ce film. J'ai mal a la tete.
Et alors??
I'm a carrot virgin, but Elliot is not, as of the last scene.
I cannot help who I am. I can only do some sort of being true to myself, or hiding, or whatever in between. No matter, I am still who I am.
I think.
I don't know. That's how I usually end my thoughts.
I don't know.
A: "I feel like I'm missing something."
B: "Well, bye now."
I was lucky .... once. Not all my life.
Some things seem lucky. Other things seem UNlucky.
I'm naked. My love is clothed. Maybe that's just the way we are.
Why didn't you tell me?
I don't know.
Une glace qui fonde dans le chaleur d'ete.
Outwardly: "did you see it?' and "yes, but I wanted to walk."
Inwardly: "I'm so confused and afraid, I don't know what to do,"
A: Do you think you can know things before you know them?
B: Like what?
A. I don't know. (HA!) Maybe things inside you, or something.
The lie: It's all about sex.
The truth: What it's about depends on who you are, and where you are.
Maybe.... someday.... I'll be able to figure all this out.
Meanwhile, I'm probably in love with George.
*sigh*
And now DEPARTURE. We'll see what Hollywood brings me now.
I would go back on another day, but at the same time, hoping he'd be there agaoin. But I'd know in my heart that he wouldn't be there. And he never was. So geht's fur mich.
But Hollywood says he would be. And he always IS.
Mum, you're going to lose your son to Clement.
This is a strange movie. Brits & Frenchies, cultural intersection. Half English, half French. But young teen boys are beyond borders.
It's fitting & proper that I be alone this weekend, the last one before my new life with David is announced.
"The air is pregnant with new beginnings." (redundant)
Ca me fait mal, que de regarder ce film. J'ai mal a la tete.
Et alors??
I'm a carrot virgin, but Elliot is not, as of the last scene.
I cannot help who I am. I can only do some sort of being true to myself, or hiding, or whatever in between. No matter, I am still who I am.
I think.
I don't know. That's how I usually end my thoughts.
I don't know.
A: "I feel like I'm missing something."
B: "Well, bye now."
I was lucky .... once. Not all my life.
Some things seem lucky. Other things seem UNlucky.
I'm naked. My love is clothed. Maybe that's just the way we are.
Why didn't you tell me?
I don't know.
Une glace qui fonde dans le chaleur d'ete.
Outwardly: "did you see it?' and "yes, but I wanted to walk."
Inwardly: "I'm so confused and afraid, I don't know what to do,"
A: Do you think you can know things before you know them?
B: Like what?
A. I don't know. (HA!) Maybe things inside you, or something.
The lie: It's all about sex.
The truth: What it's about depends on who you are, and where you are.
Maybe.... someday.... I'll be able to figure all this out.
Meanwhile, I'm probably in love with George.
*sigh*
20180220 TODAY'S THE DAY
Waiting.
10:40 Still waiting.
12:20 Still waiting.
3:34 Still waiting. So I texted David. He again said "A few more days."
*sigh*
Today was NOT the day.
10:40 Still waiting.
12:20 Still waiting.
3:34 Still waiting. So I texted David. He again said "A few more days."
*sigh*
Today was NOT the day.
20180225 WHERE I AM TODAY
Proud of Joe for his work at his job at the U of U.
Happy that Lisa & family are skiing, and not going to church.
Glad that George finally confronted his brother about his living & health situation, and that he's making progress on finding another better living situation.
Sorry that I am STILL waiting for David's call. He texted (on Thursday 20180222):
Update from Michael just now. Thatcher has sent out the pre advice to the Zurich guys at the International Chamber of Commerce. That should mean first money from London by Tuesday of next week. Legal issues from Toronto should be done by then too. So Tuesday is our new Target day. Wow. Maybe it will happen.
That means I should hear from him on Tuesday, 20180227. We'll see.
MEANWHILE, I'm watching a string of gay-themed movies on Hulu. The current one is called "The Circle," a 2014 film which takes place in Zurich, Switzerland, in 1956. Early in this film, a man reads something from a book on his desk, wtteo:
"Everything I try to do fails because I'm gay." Wow! I thought this was the case for decades of my life. But eventually I separated myself from a pseudo-heterosexual marriage, and from Mormonism, and I have since struggled to rid myself of the above notion.
MANY things I do succeed. But I'm still prone to lapse back to the thoughts of my earlier life, when I did, in fact, believe that I was "no good" due to my giving in to homosexual urges. The idea fits in nicely with Mormonism, and with our general society of 1955 - 1985, when I was closeted, and when I believed that I COULD, in fact, make myself into a straight man.
Hearing someone say "Everything I try to do fails because I'm gay" is still a powerful ___________ (thought? idea? mantre? tape?..........) for me.
Happy that Lisa & family are skiing, and not going to church.
Glad that George finally confronted his brother about his living & health situation, and that he's making progress on finding another better living situation.
Sorry that I am STILL waiting for David's call. He texted (on Thursday 20180222):
Update from Michael just now. Thatcher has sent out the pre advice to the Zurich guys at the International Chamber of Commerce. That should mean first money from London by Tuesday of next week. Legal issues from Toronto should be done by then too. So Tuesday is our new Target day. Wow. Maybe it will happen.
That means I should hear from him on Tuesday, 20180227. We'll see.
MEANWHILE, I'm watching a string of gay-themed movies on Hulu. The current one is called "The Circle," a 2014 film which takes place in Zurich, Switzerland, in 1956. Early in this film, a man reads something from a book on his desk, wtteo:
"Everything I try to do fails because I'm gay." Wow! I thought this was the case for decades of my life. But eventually I separated myself from a pseudo-heterosexual marriage, and from Mormonism, and I have since struggled to rid myself of the above notion.
MANY things I do succeed. But I'm still prone to lapse back to the thoughts of my earlier life, when I did, in fact, believe that I was "no good" due to my giving in to homosexual urges. The idea fits in nicely with Mormonism, and with our general society of 1955 - 1985, when I was closeted, and when I believed that I COULD, in fact, make myself into a straight man.
Hearing someone say "Everything I try to do fails because I'm gay" is still a powerful ___________ (thought? idea? mantre? tape?..........) for me.
Thursday, February 15, 2018
20180215 EARLY MORNING MUSINGS ABT LIFE
In an Infants on Thrones podcast I listened to just now, a young girl's father read an essay she'd written earlier about a moment in her life that changed her thinking.
Her moment was the day/time when her father stopped being active in the LDS church.
Toward the end of her essay, she wrote:
"If you don't forge your own path, how can you know who you really are?" (owtte)
Wow. Story of my life, in many ways. It seems like I'm STILL trying to forge my own path, and I'm STILL wondering who I really am.
Onward.
Her moment was the day/time when her father stopped being active in the LDS church.
Toward the end of her essay, she wrote:
"If you don't forge your own path, how can you know who you really are?" (owtte)
Wow. Story of my life, in many ways. It seems like I'm STILL trying to forge my own path, and I'm STILL wondering who I really am.
Onward.
Saturday, February 10, 2018
20180210 WHATEVER MUSINGS
True Musings
I wish I could create something HERE, and then easily - EASILY - post it as a text. But it'd be quite difficult. I'd have to email it to myself, read the email on my phone, and then copy it to a text.
Catching up on recorded shows - mostly James Corden's Late Late Show. Some of it's good, some not so much. He's a Brit, like so many people in entertainment lately. Oh well. They're our cousins.
TV watching is my time filler while I'm waiting for David's call. I must.... I MUST be NUTS!
I'm SOOOO tired of Donald FUD (fear, uncertainty & doubt). I wish he'd quit pretending to be a real POTUS.
*sigh*
I wish I could create something HERE, and then easily - EASILY - post it as a text. But it'd be quite difficult. I'd have to email it to myself, read the email on my phone, and then copy it to a text.
Catching up on recorded shows - mostly James Corden's Late Late Show. Some of it's good, some not so much. He's a Brit, like so many people in entertainment lately. Oh well. They're our cousins.
TV watching is my time filler while I'm waiting for David's call. I must.... I MUST be NUTS!
I'm SOOOO tired of Donald FUD (fear, uncertainty & doubt). I wish he'd quit pretending to be a real POTUS.
*sigh*
Friday, February 2, 2018
20171228 poem for New Year's Eve Masque
I'm at a loss as to what to compose for NYE.
I'm invited to an "Unmasque" - and invitees are encouraged to write a poem about what they will "unmask for 2018).
Ode to Ken
To Ken
A token of resolve
for the new year
To live
Even more than before
In the moment.
Last year
Drank beer
Big cheer
High gear
Next year
Still queer.
THE GAY LONE RANGER
OK, the GAY part, I buy.
But LONE??
<snort>
What do you think Tonto and I
Were doing
Between shoots,
Out on the range,
Late at night.
<chuckle>
Ahhhh, those starry nights!
Kemosabe.......
We rode backward in the saddle,
A little sore,
But what a sight
for queer eyes.
The Northern Lights
Have seen queer sights,
but the queerest they ever did see
Was the star=lit night
We were a queer sight, some folks say
Here's what I wish for you for me for 2018 for our country for friends:
2017 2018 odd times, odd years.
I wish you likes and maybe even love
Live in the moment, don't look back and don't look forward
I'm invited to an "Unmasque" - and invitees are encouraged to write a poem about what they will "unmask for 2018).
Ode to Ken
To Ken
A token of resolve
for the new year
To live
Even more than before
In the moment.
Last year
Drank beer
Big cheer
High gear
Next year
Still queer.
THE GAY LONE RANGER
OK, the GAY part, I buy.
But LONE??
<snort>
What do you think Tonto and I
Were doing
Between shoots,
Out on the range,
Late at night.
<chuckle>
Ahhhh, those starry nights!
Kemosabe.......
We rode backward in the saddle,
A little sore,
But what a sight
for queer eyes.
The Northern Lights
Have seen queer sights,
but the queerest they ever did see
Was the star=lit night
We were a queer sight, some folks say
Here's what I wish for you for me for 2018 for our country for friends:
2017 2018 odd times, odd years.
I wish you likes and maybe even love
Live in the moment, don't look back and don't look forward
20180202 SLAPPED BACK INTO OBLIVION
Defeatism? Not sure if that's even a word. But as I define it, that's my current philosophy of life.
SLAPPED BACK INTO OBVLIVION
The phrase comes to mind when I consider both major and minor aspects of my current life.
1. MINOR: I can't log on to citi.com - I'm alarmed that I might have missed a payment. But I can't even check since their site seems to be "down" or something.
2. MAJOR: I can't give notice to Dr. Pruitt & begin working with David. Because he hasn't called to make the offer real & official. WHY?????????? Been asking that question for 3+ years.
That's enough. The rest are in between things that irritate and annoy and disappoint and leave me baffled.
Not to mention Trump & his stoopid memo.
Life sucks right now.
BTW, for the last several months, I haven't posted much, and during that time things have seems a lot better than they do now.
SLAPPED BACK INTO OBVLIVION
The phrase comes to mind when I consider both major and minor aspects of my current life.
1. MINOR: I can't log on to citi.com - I'm alarmed that I might have missed a payment. But I can't even check since their site seems to be "down" or something.
2. MAJOR: I can't give notice to Dr. Pruitt & begin working with David. Because he hasn't called to make the offer real & official. WHY?????????? Been asking that question for 3+ years.
That's enough. The rest are in between things that irritate and annoy and disappoint and leave me baffled.
Not to mention Trump & his stoopid memo.
Life sucks right now.
BTW, for the last several months, I haven't posted much, and during that time things have seems a lot better than they do now.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)