THE DAY KENNEDY DIED

20131122

I should remember this date, shouldn't I?  November 22, 1963

We were living in Vienna 50 years ago.  Dad was at a cocktail party, and as I recall, we kids (Kath, Peggy, Millie and I) were home.  I was in the Study, the large room with the bay windows upstairs, where Dad had his desk, but it's also where we all sort of congregated when family events took place.  I was lying on the sofa, half dozing, when Peggy came into the room and announced "Kenny's dead."  I woke up and said, "No I'm not."  She had actually said, "Kennedy's dead."  That's how I found out.

Apparently Dad called home (we had 2 phones - one was in Mom & Dad's room, and the other in the hall downstairs).  I hadn't heard it ring, but apparently Peggy (or maybe Kath) heard it ring, and got the news from Dad on the phone.

I'd never assume anything, but I don't think Kennedy's death affected Peggy to the point of tears.  I recall that she was almost glad that SHE could tell ME about it.  We were teenagers, and very competitive.  So I wasn't surprised at her attitude --- that's if I remember this correctly.  But there were definitely no tears on her part or on mine.

It was a somber time, however.  I couldn't believe that such a thing could happen - to ANYone.  It's the first public figure that I knew about (I had been for Kennedy in the election in 1960, which was not how my parents voted).  I called my friends & they all seemed to know.

My scoutmaster said on the phone that he didn't think Kennedy's assassination was reason to cancel our planned scout overnight for the following weekend.  My parents said it was up to me.  My friend Matt came over, and we camped out in my back yard, rather than go with the scouts.

A lot of people I knew, or knew about died during our 4 years in Vienna:  Matthew Ortwein's little brother, John F.Kennedy, Grandma Borg, Uncle Kenneth Borg, Schwester Baileul, Schwester Mika.  I suppose this was the period in which I learned that death will come into my life, and I was not immune.

DAY 3 - SOUL WRITING

20131121

SOUL writing has moved.  I'm now using WORD to record my SOUL WRITING, since WORD has auto-correct, and this doesn't.  So be it.

DAY 2 - SOUL WRITING

20131120

This morning, I'm faced with a lot of different decisions & thoughts.  For example:

1.  Do I WRITE, or TYPE when I do soul writing?
2.  WHERE do I soul write? Meaning in a blog?  or in Word?
3.  Do I meditate, and then write ABOUT the meditation (which today was FULL of thoughts and questions and ideas)?  And THEN after that do the soul writing?
Or, is writing about my meditation actually soul writing?

*sigh*

Too many questions & not enough answers.  Perhaps I'm over-thinking.  I should just DO it.  But I might as well do it at least CLOSE to the "right way" so I don't have to later regret starting something in an inferior way, and then changing it later for a better way.

RIGHT???

Story of my life with an analytical brain.  And being a "good speller" and a stickler for grammar and punctuation (WHY, I don't really know), I will spend at least SOME of my soul writing energy correcting my typing.

Which makes me want to do this in Word, since Word will auto-correct, and that will save time.

On that basis, I hereby and now decree that my soul writing will be done in Word, and not here.

I will meditate for an hour, and then arise and type in Word (not here).  This space will be for a blog - whatever THAT might mean for me in future times.

It's a LOT of writing:
1.  Writing in my journal (which has been only now and then, sometimes with months between entries)
2.  Writing my dream journal (which has also been very sparse)
3.  Writing on exmormon.org (which has been sporatic, but perhaps at least weekly)
4.  Writing on FaceBook (which has been minimal, but sometimes significant)
5.  Writing blogs (which has also not been daily, and that's just fine with me.  It's become sort of my journal.)
6.  And now SOUL WRITING, which I hope will be DAILY, and will include 2 sections, with a possible 3rd section, all done in Word:
a.  Meditation thoughts - only if there ARE any.  I very well might sleep through the meditation hour.  But if I don't, and if I have some significant thoughts that bear retention, I'll record thim in this section.
b.  Dream journal - only if there WAS a dream during my sleep that I recall, and only if it's significant.  I will record my dreams in my DREAM JOURNAL.  It'll be easy to switch from my SOUL WRITING folder and my DREAM JOURNAL folder, since they're both Word documents.
c.  Soul Writing, a new Word folder.

That's the plan, Stan.  I'll do it today, and will copy yesterday's SOUL WRITING to the folder as my first day.  Today is my 2nd day.

Fine, that's settled.  I have all day today.  I doubt I'll write all day, but I will try to give it "30 pages" like the author did (Janet Conner, whose book "Writing Down Your Soul" has inspired all this).

Hmmmm, when I read her first chapter, I had the thought that I should re-read it every day, to get her message better.

It's a good idea, but might get in the way of the real SOUL WRITING, so I'll do it today, but might not do it EVERY day.  It depends on how it goes.

And here...we...go!

DAY 1 - SOUL WRITING

20131119

Early this morning, on KFI, I heard a woman talking about "soul writing."  She said it was NOT "automatic writing" and differientiated the two by saying "soul writing" comes after meditation, and from within the soul, while "automatic writing" comes from an outside source, and is generally not beneficial to the person writing (I'm not totally sure she said that last thing - I was half asleep at the time).

Anyway, today I'm going to NOT follow any one person's website about it.  I'm going to go with what I feel might be an avenue out of my current dilemma (depression & anxiety about life in general).  I'm going to just plow forward with whatever might become today's experience in my life.

Plan:

1.  Meditate for 30 minutes, even if I fall asleep
2.  Begin writing, and hopefully observing that it's from my SOUL, and not from some outside source.

Thought:

This could very well be a better solution than any I've tried before.  We shall see.  I will break from this note about my plan, and title the section "SOUL WRITING" below.

*******
Soul Writing (7:15am)

Amazingly, the meditation went very well.  I was able to recall (after NOT being able to recall for a while) the name of the "app" that David Timpson had recommended for playing music - SPOTIFY - and I recalled it by sort of forcing my brain to remember.  I knew it began with an "s" and then I went through the possible letters that could be 2nd letters, and I settled on "p" as the most likely.  Then I went to vowels, and when I got to "o" the name came to me.  I was quite pleased with myself for "forcing" my brain to recall "SPOTIFY" and it was a great result, since I then used SPOTIFY to provide the music for my meditation.

I meditated for about an hour, but kept reminding myself that the exact time did not matter.  I only wanted to experience a fairly substantial "chunk" of meditation time.  I prepared my room by closing the window & blinds, and lighting two white candles above my head.  I positioned my ear buds & connected them to my iPhone, and started "Meditation" - and it was perfect.

My thoughts turned to childhood, to my negative experience with Guide Technologies, and then to the deep-seated propensity (or is it a need) to deceive myself and others.  Whether that is useful or not, I don't know.  But I do know that it seems to me to be the sort of "root cause" of all the negative living I've experienced over my life.  In other words, had I NOT been inclined to lie, I might have been a very different - and better - person.  But now, at least, I can admit the truth about my lying, and I'm not afraid of the consequences.  I could - right now, anyway - tell my own two children that I have always been a liar on some level.

To remember how pervasive this is, I will record here the conversation I had yesterday with Anthony Guthmiller on the phone.  I called him regarding my upcoming meeting at Wells Fargo Bank with Jonathan Weedman, a VP of Corporate Donations at the bank, and a gay man.  We (Andy Sacher and I) were going to meet him today to discuss their possible donations to The Lavender Effect.  So, I had called Anthony to get a few last minute pieces of advice on how we should handle our meeting with Jonathan.  He was not in, so I left a voice mail message.  A little later in the morning, I received a call from Jonathan, saying he had to cancel our meeting due to his illness.  I was SO disappointed.  We'd been planning this meeting and looking forward to it for several months, and now I was fairly sure we wouldn't be able to reschedule anything anytime soon with Jonathan, given how busy he is and how he now would be "behind" due to his illness.  (BIG *SIGH*)  So, around noon, I received a call back from Anthony.  I told him that we were going to meet with Jonathan "tomorrow" (it's now "today"), and I wondered if he could give us any advice on our meeting.

LIE:  I did not tell Anthony that our meeting had already been cancelled.  I let him believe it was still going to happen, even though I knew it would not.
LIE:  I told Anthony that the meeting MIGHT be cancelled since Jonathan had called and was sick, but that it was possible it could still take place.

WHY did I do that?  I don't know, unless it's because I somehow "have to" deceive.  It makes very little sense to me now, to have done that.  But I did.

So, my conversation with Anthony continued, and he advised me to show up for the appointment, even if Jonathan did not.  This would show how dedicated & serious we are to work with Jonathan.  Of course, I knew as he and I spoke that we would not be going to the appointment at all.  But I let him think that we would possibly still go & impress Jonathan..... all the while knowing that we were not going to go at all.

So, the consequence of my lying like this to Anthony is that he and Jonathan (being friends) might talk about my conversations with each of them, and they might realize that I had lied to Anthony.

I have NO REASON to lie about this.  But I did.  And now I MIGHT have an awkward consequence as a result.  I.e., Jonathan could possibly confront me later, and ask, "Why did you tell Anthony that we might still meet at the original time, when I told you that we could not?"

The answer to that question is complex.  It might be because I have a deep-seated need/propensity to lie.  But there is also a practical reason.  I wanted Anthony to give me as much information as possible during the conversation.  I wasn't sure how available Anthony is, and I had him on the phone.  So..... I sort of "pumped" him for information, and manipulated (i.e. lied) the conversation so that I could get as much info as possible.

It is HIGHLY likely that I will not have to answer for my lying in this case.  It's a milky, merky, gray area that is probably not significant enough to dwell on for too long.

But I still lied.  And I still HATE that I'm a liar.

So, (hopefully) putting this awkward situation to rest, I will simply know, having analyzed it "to death," that I have that tendency (to lie), and that I don't like it, and that I hope I'll avoid doing it (i.e. NOT DO IT) the next time the "opportunity" to do so arises.

*sigh*

I do hope that writing it all down, and relentlessly adhering to the truth, will serve some purpose for me.

So, my "SOUL WRITING" led me to address my deepest (as far as I know, it's the deepest) character flaw of my life:  The tendency to lie.

It's ironic that this should be the case.  I've been told by several somewhat close friends that I'm an honest person - more so than others in their lives.

And yet, I've lied about my very being - to myself and others - to the point of distorting my true self.  E.g., I've pretended to be a straight male since my earliest memory.  I've pretended to be an honest person.  Now on some levels, I HAVE BEEN an honest person.  Others might say that yes, I AM, and I believe they'd say that, at least in part, because I've made a generally conscious and concerted effort to be honest.  I no longer pretend - to ANYone - that I'm a straight male.  And along with that, I've learned over several years how to tell the truth.  I do it on the website exmormon.org.  And I'm doing it here.

I'm no longer afraid of who might read this, and of what they might think.

In the past, I would not have been so frank since I would think, "What if my son or granddaughter ever reads this?"  And I would think, "I can remember who I and and what I've done to a sufficient degree, that I don't have to write everything down."

The GAs of the LD$ church advise the membership to keep journals.  But now I find out that many of them don't keep journals.  I'm wondering why, but I speculate that it's because if they they did record their activities and thoughts, they'd be forced to put into writing the lies that they are living.

My experience with the LD$ church is enigmatic.  It seems to be false on almost every level.  And yet it also seems to be a valid way of life.  At this point in MY life, however, it is no longer a "valid way of life."  It's a fraud.  I can't go back to it, knowing what I know.

***

I wish I could have written more that is definitively "SOUL WRITING."  Doing the meditation before was a positive experience.  Perhaps it led me to write what I've written.  Perhaps not.  Either way, I feel a little better now, than I did during the night as I lapsed in and out of sleep.

I don't know if I'll try this again, but I'd like to.  I'd like to really move from the space I'm in, to a better one.  I hope I'll do it, because I sense that there is a whole lot more for me to SOUL WRITE about.  And it would be a shame to not pursue it at least for one more "session" or one more day.

A RUN OF DREAMS, and STORIES TO TELL

20131106
I've had some poignant dreams, and I don't know what to think about them, or what to think about how I've remembered them, or recorded them, or forgotten them.......
If what I call my "awake hours" are actually a dream, as David T and others claim, and if what I call my "asleep hours" are actually my reality, then what I call "dreaming" is reality.  And I'm recording all these thoughts while asleep.

BIG *sigh*

But whatever.  If I back up any farther, I'll fall into embryonicism - HA! - and there will be even less meaning to "this" than there now is.

But so what?  If this is a dream, then it's less important than my "asleep" hours are.  Or is it?

DOUBLE BIG *sigh*

There can be no definitive answer when you question everything, can there?  No.

Last night I attended a session at Abacus (an invited guest of Barrett Porter), and the speaker was Robert Dickman, who spoke about how to tell stories.  And with a partner, I told a story that I'd hardly ever thought about since it happened in December, 1966 (47 years ago).  And yet, as I concluded the story, I teared up about what had happened way back then.  Amazing to me, since it was all unplanned, and the "message" or "moral" of my story was something I had not EVER thought of before - not even once.

Perhaps I should adopt a new "habit" or "approach" to my life:  tell stories about what happened to me, and tell them well, and know that I can be candid about ALL my past, and not worry about who might think what.... etc.

Stories from
* Great Falls Road
* Mexico
* Rockville, MD
* Vienna
* Montreal
     - CHRISTMAS 1966

etc.

I have the thought that I could write stories here, about aspects of my life that my children haven't known about.  Similar to my mom revealing one day in Vienna that she'd finished her High School in Washington DC, not Richfield, UT, as we had always thought.  There are little stories, like CHRISTMAS 1966 that will likely be of interest to my children.
And now that I can be openly gay, I can write MUCH more freely!  YAY!

I hope I keep this momentum going.  So much of my life is punctuated by distractions (eating, sex, "have to's," the internet, sleepiness, etc) .... that I don't always complete projects like this.  Story of my life.

HAHA.  Maybe THAT should be the first Story I tell.

"Take 10 with PapaKen"
DAMMIT - I don't remember the other word(s) that rhyme with "PapaKen" - but it was a title for a story... stoopid brain!   Oh well........

End of post.

O & O

BAH

WRITING IS THERAPEUTIC. WAITING SUCKS.

20131028

If this post becomes a draft, and I don't complete it for 1 or more days, it'll be labeled with the date on which I actually publish it.  So, at least with the date inserted above, I'll know when I first wrote the draft.

So, I woke up depressed again today, and it was because I'm not working, PLUS I haven't heard from David T (my prospective employer), nor have I heard from Jonathan Weedman (WFB rep who promises to at least meet with Andy S and me to discuss possible donations from WFB).

Why must I wait forever?  (OK, "so long" is more accurate.)  But WHY?  It seems that the rest of the world functions at a more normal pace.

I had to wait at almost ever level of my job, I waited for Teresa do decide to marry me (she only took 6 years).  I wait for Joe & Lisa to contact me (although Joe isn't as bad - he does keep in touch).

"If you can wait, and not be tired by waiting."  Thanks Kipling.  But WTF??  If waiting MAKES me TIRED...... I can't pretend that it doesn't.

If one pretends to "be" something long enough, does he become that thing?  I.e., patient.

Patience is a virtue?  Waiting still sucks.

Plus.... if so many people postpone contacting me, it HAS to mean that a)  the other aspects of their lives are more important to them, or b)  they are intentionally ignoring me.  What else could it be?

Back when I was an active LDS person, I taught the Aaronic Priesthood class, and I tried to be creative about it.  I wanted to do a special lesson about XXX (I can't recall what it was), and it involved having the Bishop present to discuss a particular subject.  I invited him to come, and he said he would, but he kept postponing his visit.  That disrupted my lesson plans.  One week he said he'd be there, but didn't show up again.  So I improvised.  Later, I talked to his Counsellor, who sort of blew up at me for my continued "nagging" him - he said "You've been on my back about that for weeks!"  He told me to just do my lessons as normal, and wait until the Bishop got there.  I replied that I HAD done exactly that, but I just wanted to know if/when the Bishop would show up, so I could be ready.  I mentioned that I'd improvised when he didn't show up.  "Yeah, you made one up," he sneered.  That was hurtful.

My point here is, I didn't think I should have had to wait and wait and wait to even FIND OUT if the Bishop was going to come.  Let alone, wait and wait and wait for him to be there.

So, FF to today:  I'm waiting again.

I'm purposfully NOT seeing employment.  I'm waiting for David T to call me.  It could be months and months from now.

But I guess I've waited all my life, so what else is new?

LTD:

It's 8:40AM.  Still waiting.

FINALLY (actually written bet 20131002 and 20131007)

INSERTED NOTE:  I'm not sure what the original date of my writing this post is.  I can tell by the content that it was sometime between October 1 and October 8.  I know it was AFTER October 1 because I had hoped to submit the Wells Fargo grant application in September, and we missed that date.  I also know it was BEFORE October 8, since that is David T's birthday, and I knew that I was going to try to remember to wish him a Happy Birthday on that date.

So the date is likely to have been sometime between October 2-7.

****************

FINALLY, a bit of relief.  Why?
1.  Andy and I finished our document for Wells Fargo.  After a month+ of delay.
2.  DAVID T called!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Although there is nothing for sure, it appears that his "big money" will be deposited in his account within the next 2 weeks.  I know, it's not for sure.  But he's more positive now than he's ever been.

SIGH - BIG SIGH!!

Heavy winds are blowing here in Winnetka.  Winds of change?  I hope!  I'll take them - I don't have much else to take.

And Lisa et al are feeling better today.  YAY!

And Andy and I patched things up after our "blow up" (for me)/"emotional response" (for him).

All is better.

Thank heavens, thank MCG, thank me....... maybe my knee will even be better now.

****************

The above was NOT written on Saturday, October 26.  (That's the date right now.)  Apparently, if I don't "save" AND "publish,"  my writing on a given day/date is only a "draft."  If I then, at a later time, "publish" it, it becomes a post for the day I publish it.  Not for the day I actually wrote it.

Grrrrrrrrr.

How can I know when I wrote the above??

I guess I could "revert to draft" - that might put it back to a draft created on a certain past date.

****************

After a preliminary search for how to retrieve the date on which I actually WROTE this post.... it seems that I can't retrieve it at all.  I might be missing something.  I HOPE I'm missing something.  It seems to me that there should be some record of the date on which I actually wrote it.  But that date is not apparent - at least not yet.

I can guess the date by the content.  I'll do that.  But I HATE that I have to do that.  Why?  Because what if there were nothing in the content that would even allow a good guess?  What then?  I'd only know that it was on a day before today.  I MIGHT remember that it was about a week ago, or some such.  But I wouldn't KNOW for sure.

And I do want to KNOW for sure.

*sigh*

I believe I'll revert to inserting the current date in each post.  That way, I'll KNOW for sure.

NOTE:  Others might be able to think this issue through easily without writing about it.  Others might not care about exact dates.  Others might ridicule my meticulous approach.  But I am me.  I often wish I didn't have this aspect of my personality, which aspect often seems like a plague to me.  But it's there.  I am me.  And I will act on it, and hope it doesn't destroy or distract me from weightier issues too much.

ECHOES OF THE PAST I'D LIKE TO FORGET

Ganesh:  "You vill lose dis deel."
IDE guy:  "At the end of the day..."
EdNet School Marm:  "Not good."  and "Well, you ASKED me."

There are so many more, but right now, I can't think clearly enough to write them all down.

*sigh*

I noticed that there was a "draft" in my list of posts which I had titled "FINALLY."  I clicked "publish," which made it seem like it was a post created TODAY, and not back when I wrote it.  That's not what I want.  I want the date I wrote it to be the controlling date.  Rather, this system "files" the posts by the day/date it was "published."

I'd like to keep a record of BOTH dates.  Perhaps that's not possible.  I COULD in fact insert the date into the body of the text, and that would tell me when I wrote it.

That's exactly what I was doing when I started this whole blog.  But I yielded to the system, in a sense.  I noted that the dates of my writings were automatically inserted into the title of the post.  So I stopped putting my own date in them.

Now I wish I had done what I was doing at the beginning.

I know, I know, I know...... it's only a date.

But dates are important to me.  They should accurately reflect what was done when.  I've long labeled the things I write with an 8 letter date (e.g., 19930710), and it's often helped me put in order the things pertaining to a given activity, customer, etc.

Dates.  They're also important to reconstructing the Book of Mormon events.

You could say that (for example) Sidney Rigdon visited the Patterson Print shop during a given period of time because his name appears on a list of "unclaimed letters" after a certain date, and then later, his name was no longer there.

But we don't REALLY know that's the case.  Someone who write his name could have done so based on a mere comment by another person on the day s/he was compiling the list.  Or, someone could have been mistaken about Mr. Rigdon's identity (e.g., "I'm pretty sure that was him.  I'll add his name to the list, and we'll see.")

The point is, mistakes happen, and they're probably not "malicious."  They're probably mostly innocent mistakes.

But why can't we be as clear and precise as possible.  Sloppy writing and recording events at the wrong time lead to confusion.  And when the issue is important (even if only important to one person), it's even more critical that we be clear, accurate, precise.

Much of the world doesn't care about all this.  But I do.

It might be a curse.  But it's part of me, for whatever reason there might be.

So now I'll try to fix the "FINALLY" draft, and figure out what date I wrote it.  I hope the system will allow me to track the date I wrote it, even if I'm forced to use today's date for the date of "publishing."

*************

20131026:
(From now on, I'm going to insert the actual date I'm writing stuff, so there's no possibility of confusion about the date.)

So, it's Saturday morning, and I woke up with the same ole same ole:

1.  Knee pain, and wondering if the little green patches are doing anything at all.
2.  Desire to talk to MCG
3.  Sinus drip/cough syndrome
4.  Restless night - couldn't figure out which side to sleep on.
5.  Phantom aches in my right arm & right leg.
6.  Lamenting my financial predicament - and wondering why I must be someone who waits and waits for stuff that could easily be updated (at the very least.  for example, a call from WFB saying "I don't know yet." or a call from David T saying "I can't talk for a week." or some such).
7.  All the technical crap I deal with (phone, PC, TV, car)
8.  What is the purpose of my life????????????? I still don't feel I'm any closer to an understanding of what it is.  And I still don't feel closer to even being "nudged" by MCG in any direction.  I hope I'm not fooling myself.  I hope I haven't missed the boat (i.e., the nudge, or the screaming message, or whatever it might be that MCG might have sent me before today).  I hope that when I hear it, I'll recognize it and have the courage to accept it and act on it.  I hope.

I hope.

So MCG or no MCG, I will have lived a life of hoping, and not much doing.  So be it.

Meanwhile, I have to eat and sleep and poop and pay my taxes..... until I die.

GOOD-BYE SLC, FOR NOW

Today I'm leaving SLC after 10 days.
I think I caught cold last night. Elliot's room is FREEZING at night.

Pain discs:  I've had them on my knee since Tuesday at 7:30 PM. They haven't removed ALL the pain but I'm giving them 3 days. I showered withe them in place. They are still there. Funny the instructions don't mention anything about shaving or showering.

Hate blogling on my phone. Can't always see what I type.

A new reddish mark has appeared on top of my penis at the base. No pain. Jus small red irregular spot. I need to get tested again soon.

Session w DT was the best ever (60mg ketamine).  It felt the best while I was under. Depression was gone. Now I have to keep the memory alive. Also remember the 3 things DT told me as I went under:

1.  I'm part of a whole and not an individual
2.
3.

Dammit I can't remember any more right now.


Got to move forward.

WHY?

Today's a MISERABLE day, and it's only 11:30!!

WHY does Andy delay the WF grant application?
WHY did Rod Foster move back to LA, and contact everyone except me?
WHY isn't David Timpson considerate enough to contact me, if for nothing more than a quick update?
WHY does the pain in my right knee continue, day after day?
WHY doesn't God talk to me in a way I can understand him?  (IF he's talking to me at all)
WHY did I dream that my car was stolen last night?  Helpless lost feeling throughout the dream.
WHY do my friends (most of them) ignore my pleas for TLE contributions?
WHY am I not motivated to exercise, eat right, find a job?
WHY did I never get really animated about ANY career choice?

NUTS!

LTD

I'm feeling a bit better tonight, but I don't know why.  The plumbers came and fixed the hot water problem.  I'm not sure exactly what the problem was.  They worked on it, removing some "debris" or something they say was caused by the unfortunate connection of a galvanized pipe to a copper pipe.  Corrosion happens, and debris builds up, I guess.

So now that our hot water has been restored, I feel a bit better.

Such a stupid life.  I still don't get it.

SAME CRAP - DIFFERENT DAY

Don't know why things are going as they are.

I had a WONDERFUL time at the quarterly executive board meeting for THE LAVENDER EFFECT.

After which I had a SHITTY time at the Gay Asian Pool Party (included CMG).

So now, I still feel down.

No call from David T.  No new friends or encouraging friendships from people I've already known.

I saw Allen Page there.  I didn't talk to him.  But I think he and I sort of connected a while ago at another CMG party.  All I have left from that is a slight recognition and a wish that SOMEONE would have reached out to me.

I have a sore knee, but I played it up a bit more, by sitting by myself on a lawn chair that had a sort of foot rest.  "RICE principle" I reasoned.  RICE stands for Rest, Ice, Compression, Elevation - which is the home remedy advice for swollen knees.

So I elevated.  But NO ONE came over to even just speak to me, let alone ask about my elevated leg.

Was I expecting too much?

I'm not all that attracted to Asians, and naked Asians don't do much more for me.  There were some Caucasians and some blends there.... and some of THEM were naked.  And they held a bit more of my interest.

But overall, I didn't have a good time.  The food people brought to this pot-luck was ho-hum.  Some good, some just average.

So I waited there until a bit after 3pm, which was the time at which my friend Jim Hoffman (one of the CMG organizers) was to make an announcement.  But he hadn't, by about 3:05.  I just couldn't take being there any longer, so I gathered my things and left.  I said good-bye to Jim, and that was that.

*sigh*

PISSED OFF

Ya know, I'm REALLY PISSED OFF today.

I know, I'm blessed more than most.  I get that.

But I'm still REALLY PISSED OFF.

What I DON'T get is why... WHY my timing is so awfully bad.

Now, it wasn't always bad.  I was in the right place at the right time for several things over the years.  So that was good.  Whoever is keeping track, let it be known that I ackowledge that SOMEtimes, my timing is good.

But lately, no so much.

For example, and this is the BIGGIE...... HOW could it possibly be that the forces that control me (or leave me be, whichever the case).... could have "allowed" the situation to become this miserable for me??

HOW?  WHY?

I'm about out of money, and the opportunity of making more has been looming for about a year now.  The promise of the opportunity actually becoming such, is still looming.  It's "just about here."  Only another day or two.

I .... absolutely.... HATE.... the way this is going.  I HATE it.

My finances are drained.  The longer this goes, the more things come up that I'm likely to need money for.  And then there are all the things that I MIGHT need money for (e.g., replacing the AC at the Alta Loma house - probably $3K or so).  And then there are the things that I'd LIKE to spend money on (e.g., a final trip to see Eric Lefrandt and Marie Mauduit and to visit Peggy before she leaves Frankfurt).

SHIT!

WHY does it come out this way?

So while this is all (NOT) going on.... I'm tearing myself up and playing the waiting game.  And feeling guilty about NOT doing anything about anything.  Just letting things slide.  Not motivated to get "up, and do something more."

I HATE THIS!!!!!

When I make a sort of "plea" for relief from this...... I am led to wonder if anyone is listening.  I know, I know.  People have wondered that for centuries (I can't readily spell "millenea" so I'll leave it at "centuries.")

So what?  I AM WONDERING IT TODAY.

It's still pitch black outside - at least it appears to be, with my bedroom light ON, and the window open.

But I know the light is returning.  The "sun is rising."  (incorrect - actually, it's the earth rotating)  But it's interesting that my window looks pitch black right now.

And WHAT, may I ask, is that awful, loud periodic BUZZ I hear in my neighborhood?  How would I ever find out, short of going out in the early hours and trying to follow it?  I'm between a shopping center and a school, and it could have something to do with one of those.  It sounds like someone buzzing someone through a door.  But that doesn't make any sense.  Oh well.  It's one of those things I'm going to live with.

A strange event several days ago.  It was Saturday or Sunday morning, early.  I heard a radio broadcast of some foreign language, coming from somewhere in this complex.  I couldn't believe how loud it was, and how early the hour was (it was about 6am or so).  After suffering with it for at least 30 minutes, I dressed and went out my front door, to walk around, to at least try to figure out the source.  I walked to the right, since it seemed to be coming from that direction.  The shopping center construction (or maintenance?) workers will sometimes be working at early hours, and I thought that maybe one of them had a radio blaring.

Imagine my surprise to find out that it was coming from my next-door neighbor's house!  She's an older single woman from Thailand, and she's very quiet & proper, in general.  Keeps to herself, mostly.  She speaks French, so I do talk to her now and then in French.  But WHY would she have such a radio blaring??  When I walked past her window, she was there, looking out, and she waved.

I was non-plussed by this, so I turned back to my place.  As I walked through my door, the blaring stopped.

WHAT POSSIBLE EXPLANATION COULD THERE BE FOR THAT????  I don't know.

DAMN LIFE.  Full of mysteries & unanswered questions.  Right now, I don't know why I have a shooting pain in my upper calf.  It's been there for a few days.  Inactivity?  Water on the knee?  Arthritis?  Cancer?

And I can't find out for sure.... no doctor could be sure.  But I also have no insurance, and no money for high medical consultation costs.

SHIT.

LTD

Something's coming.  I know it's not likely to be earth-shattering.  But I think it's coming.  What, I don't know.  But it's coming.

TODAY is coming.  I can feel it.  I'm not sure of it, of course.  Feelings can lie.

But so what?  Who cares what I might "FEEL?"  I might as well join a monestary, and say THAT'S what was coming.

HA!  I'm so sick of not knowing what's going on.  I don't know how much more I can take of this.

At the end of my rope.

And why am I almost ALWAYS wrong about everything?  On practically every level?  Can't things just work out?  Who would it hurt for things to work out for me?  WHO?

If I knew who it might hurt, I'd have a different perspective.  But my guess is, it wouldn't hurt anyone, for things to work out for me.

But then, I'm almost always wrong, so I'm likely wrong about that, too.

How much more of this can I handle??  Not too much.

SHIT.

LTD

I HATE that I didn't get even an update phone call from David T. regarding his investment portfolio.  I thought the "big day" would be yesterday, and for sure, by today.  But no.

SHIT.

BLAGUE - BOM - PERCEPTIONS

"Blague" is the French word for "joke."

Amazing the things I think of here and there.

Last night, I did a hypnosis for tantric gay sex.  Well, it was only $.89, so I thought it was worthwhile.

But I'm currently 'distracted' by MormonLeaks.com - Episode 6.  It's going on "forever" and I can't stop analyzing it.

My one overriding thought thus far:  HOW COULD THOSE GUYS OF 1825-35 have been so deceptive??  If the Utah LD$ version of how the church came to be is INCORRECT (i.e., a big lie), then these guys went to GREAT LENGTHS to deceive the people of their time.  To defraud them of their money.

It's the same bewilderment I feel when I think of all the "great men" (suits) of Mormonism who are decieved and/or lying today.

I don't get it.

But I did have an insight into how DIFFERENT my own perceptions & my own reception of the Book of Mormon was in my life in the 1960s (roughly when I consciously accepted it)...... when compared to how Pratt received it (or at least how the records show that he received it), and how the people of the Reformed Baptist group (of which Rigdon was a member) received it.

I accepted the BOM as a solid source of truth.  I didn't question it's veracity, since I found myself to be a 3-4-5th generation Mormon, and all my significant elders accepted it.  Those who did not were a minority.  But I accepted it  because of my older siblings and parents.  I don't ever recall having any sort of personal revelation about the BOM itself, in which I perceived that God was telling me that it was, in fact, true, and was, in fact, what it claimed to be.

But now, I'm projecting myself back to 1830s time, where people were likely constantly discussing religious ideas, along with settling America.  Apparently, the Reformed Baptists heard Rigdon speak about two major topics:  1)  Community holdings & essentially the "United Order" and 2) The need for a restoration of Christianity as it was during the life of Christ.  So..... along comes ______ (I've already forgotten who) with the BOM, and he (they) give it to the Reformed Baptists to read.  By this time, the BOM has been translated, edited, typeset, and printed, so it's long and tedious and without chapters & verses.

And people read it.

Some get converted by reading it (supposedly).

Some get suspicious by reading it.  For example, the Reformed Baptists read it (they'd have to have spent days reading it & studying it)... and guess what - they recognize the teaching of Rigdon in it!!!!

That's amazing to me.  They began to doubt its truth since they'd heard Rigdon preaching the "same things" already.

HUH???

Here I have to interject the thought that I'm wrongfully projecting MY OWN experience in reading the BOM, onto the people of the Reformed Baptist group.  They were reading it as adults, as experienced thinkers, as theologians.  Books at that time were seen (were they?) as delightful experiences, and not as I usually perceived them:  burdens to sludge through.  (NOTE:  I STILL think of many books like that today.)

So, it very well could be that those Ref. Baptists DID delight in reading the BOM, but when they got to the 1) Community holdings and 2) Restoration of Christianity parts, they recognized Rigdon, and put the BOM down (in perhaps both ways).

Another idea:  "Reformed Baptist" --- and "Reformed Egyptian" - I wonder if the adjective came from Rigdon.

WHY, oh WHY is finding the truth so difficult????

*sigh*

DEAFENING SILENCE

This morning I awoke with thoughts similar to those of recent weeks and months.  I'm apparently plagued by the DEAFENING SILENCE of "no decision" or "no communication" or "no consideration."

Meaning, I'm sort of expecting word from various sources (e.g., David T's mining deal development), but they're not coming.

I seem to be faced with the basic options of a) doing nothing or b) reaching out for an update.

And since I don't know which would be better, I chose a) doing nothing.

And that brings on all the depression and self pity and misguided thoughts, including suicidal thoughts, of another empty day.

Today is Wednesday.  I have nothing pressing today.

I'm reminded of my former boss, Tom Giblin, who would often call up his customers and use his "clever" phrase, "You're conspicuous in your absence."

Who fits that category of "client" for me today?
1.  David T.
2.  Rod F.
3.  Scott M.
4.  ......

Oh, I don't know.  I'm going to stop creating this list.  Life's not THAT bad.  I could likely think of a bunch more people who fit.  But why?

Why not read a neglected book, or continue watching a movie on Netflix, or log on to RfM (Recovery from Mormonism) and create a new thread (or comment on an existing one)..... etc.

Because I'm depressed.  That's why.  I might get around to some of those things, and I might not.

OK, meditation/prayer, & breathing.

Today brings "another chance" to figure things out.  I might not actually DO anything, but at least I do have today's version of "another chance" to figure things out.

There are some UNSOLVEABLE DILEMMAS of my life (and possibly of everyone's lives):
1.  It seems IMPOSSIBLE to resolve the question of whether we are in a dream state while awake in the traditional sense of "being awake," or we are in an actual awake state.  Some purport that when we sleep, we enter the REAL reality.  And when we awake, we enter a dream state.

How could we ever know?

2.  It seems IMPOSSIBLE to resolve the question of the relativity of emotional response to life on this planet.  For example, it seems in many ways "amazing" that we wake up every day, that the earth revolves to become bathed in sunlight, that the sunlight strikes the green leaves and turns them thousands of different shades of green, and that those moments are fleeting, to be replaced by other possibly equally "amazing" natural phenomena.

However, if you consider that these "amazing" things are possibly only such because of our limited knowledge of things on this planet, then they could become commonplace in observation & thought.

IOW, when someone says "Life is AMAZING" - I'm led to think that it's only amazing to someone who cannot see the bigger picture.  To God, how could it be "amazing" to contemplate a green leave changing colors in the sunlight?  Since s/he/it created it all, or if not, s/he/it KNOWS about it all..... it should be commonplace by now.

Perhaps the correct phrase is "Life is AMAZING - TO ME, and AT THIS TIME."

I'm a "Debby Downer" I suppose.  I'm SO VERY ANALYTICAL that I cannot seem to just enjoy life.  To let my emotions control me, or at least let my emotions play out sort of "naturally" so that I can just be a spontaneous learner/experiencer here on this planet.

But WHY?  WHY would I do that?  WHY might that be important?  It's not the "natural Ken."  It's not me.  I just don't know what to do with all this, so I'll again let life take over.  I'll again let a movie or possibly a book take over.  I'll again let a meal take over.

We all know that it's NOT LIKELY, is it, that another PERSON will take over in this sense today.  Which is the feeling I was describing above:  DEAFENING SILENCE.

I cannot seem to internalize the lesson I've repeatedly learned (or am in the process of learning, however poorly) throughout my life:  ONE CANNOT CONTROL THE LIFE OF ANOTHER PERSON.

I don't mean to imply that I'd want to control another's life in every way.  Of course not.  But I DO WISH that when it's reasonably expected that someone else do something, that they DO IT.

For example, I'm waiting patiently for David T. to call and let me know that he's received the money he's expecting and that it will enable him to move forward with the plans we've discussed for me to work for him, and do the rewarding work of helping others through monetary means.  This call would greatly alleviate all the doubts and depressing thoughts, etc. that I've been having about my life & my financial dilemmas over the past 6 months.

So, I know that David T's promised on several occasions that when he gets the money, he'll call me.  That's a simplification of the situation, but it's still true.  So that puts me in "limbo" for however long it'll take.

But here's my frequent thought:  WHY CAN'T DAVID T say to himself..... "Hmmmmm, I know Ken's worried about his future.  I know he needs cash.  I know he's putting off looking for another job so that he can work with me.  I'll just gtive Ken a quick call now and then, to let him know what's going on, so he won't worry too much."

WHY CAN'T THAT HAPPEN FOR ME?  Is it really too much to ask of life?

Of course, the alternative is to continuously call him for updates.  And many of my friends & aquaintences would do just that.

Why don't I?  Well, it's largely because I'm still hung up on the impression I make with David T (and others).  I want them to think of me as a person who is sort of "above" all that worry & depression.  I'm not above it, obviously.  But since it's not likely I'll ever tell them, or that they'll ever read this blog, they'll never know.

So, I'll wait yet another day, end this post so that I can go get breakfast, and watch another Netflix movie.

*sigh*

IS THIS A SIT-COM? IT MUST BE!

This morning I thought a thousands thoughts (again), and one of them was "Is this a Sit-Com?  It must be!"

Meaning, my whole LIFE is a Sit-Com.  Why do I think it might be?

For one, David T and I have not too long ago discussed the possibility that when we're awake, it's really a dream, and when we're asleep, it's the real reality of our lives.  (Or something like that.)

And for two, I seem to have trouble getting to first base.  It might just be a funny situation for some cosmic viewers (if there ARE any).

Today, I decided to "enter" the Jack in the Box offer to receive 2 free tacos.  But the requirement is to log on to a certain website, and enter a code.  The problem is, MY receipt from yesterday is difficult to read.  So I'll have to "guess around" until I get it.

If it had NOT been difficult to read, I'd have just gone there & done it.  But no.... MY receipt is difficult to read, so I have to take longer to get it done.

And that takes time.

And I feel as though I don't have much time, since I'm 63 already.

Poor me.

*sigh*

Rather than "enter" the JITB information right now, I'm going to eat my Cheerios which are getting soggy.

SUNDAY MORNING

I'm going back to yesterday's post, to record the dream I had the night before.

*******

Dream recorded.  I thought as I recorded it what someone might think if s/he read it.  Perhaps someone could interpret it.

My own interpretation:  My life is full of fear, including people finding out that I'm broke.  Fear that I'll lose the basics of my life (shelter & food & good health).

But what baffles me is why would I have this dream, which might or might not signify what I wrote above, and then not have some resolve to change things.  Why doesn't this (or any other such message) STICK with me?  Why do I keep wondering what it means, or IF it means what I think?  (as opposed to letting it MEAN SOMETHING... and then acting on it.)

WHY must I be so damn analytical?

I can imagine MCG, or even others reflecting back & saying, "Why didn't you simply let it be X or Y or Z?"

This really does seem like a waste, and I'm led to think, as I often do, that I'm here as a "place holder" - a connection between generations, and nothing more.

We shall see.  Perhaps.  Some day.  If I'm lucky enough to be able to reflect with MCG or others.... on my life.

I DO wish it could be before I leave the planet.  So that I might be able to do something more meaningful.  Why do I wish that?  Because my life seems otherwise fairly pointless.

OF COURSE, I can point to meaningful "points" about my life right now.  So it's not completely pointless.  But it's relatively pointless - to me.

Count my blessings?  OK

Joe & his family
Lisa & her family
The opportunity of being around them as often as I like
Shelter, food, clothing, reasonably good health  (can you count as a "blessing" the absence of some catastrophic event which would remove all or part of the blessing?  My answer:  yes.)

BTW, the "reasonably good health" is changing.  I'm partly to blame, and genetics and age are the other parts.  I'm no longer exercising (mainly due to my bad right knee, but it's also laziness and depression).  That has consequence on my mental health, which is currently colored by depression, further exacerbated by my bad right knee and other physical ailments (i.e., joint pains, mysterious lumps in my skin).

Come to think of it, my ailments are not all that bad, when compared to many others my age, and of course, those who have other major more serious physical (and therefore mental) challenges (illness, disease, injuries, etc.)

As always, I'm then led to conclude that I have what "I" have.  Not what someone else has.  So I have to meet the challenges of MY life (or.... NOT meet them, due to laziness & depression).

OK, now what?  Now that I've AGAIN established that I'm in pretty much the same soup I've always been in.  Now WHAT?  Will I wait until some outside force acts to further limit me?  OR will I act now and strive to ward off any such force?  Will it really make a difference?

Is life REALLY about the journey, and not the destination?  REALLY???  Can someone please ACT on my behalf, and give me some clues?  or nudges?  or actual messages?  PLEASE?????

*sigh*

THE MEANING OF LIFE

Last night, I fell asleep listening to KFI's CoastToCoast radio program for insomniacs, except that I didn't fall asleep.  Well, not completely.  I recall hearing a story by a caller about an Ouija board in which he explained that he thought they were "not good" but still tried one out with a group of fellow military friends.  He scoffed at them for believing in it, but they challenged him to try it.  He did.... he asked them to ask the board his mother's maiden name, and it spelled it out immediately.

That led me to think about what the HECK we're doing here on earth.

This morning (after listening to the same radio show off and on all night), I decided to have another conversation with MCG, which I have done in the recent past by lying quietly in my bed, folding my hands across my chest, and saying/thinking the following, or something close to it:

"Dear Creator God, thank you for this new day. Please bless Joe, Chrissy, Ada, Ethan, Elliot and Oliver.  Please bless Lisa, Rodney, Lyla and Elijah.  Please bless me to be a good father and grandfather.  Bless the leaders of churches and nations.  Bless those who are about to do something evil or stupid.  In the name of Jesus Christ.  Amen."

But I often interject thoughts:

*  Am a REALLY thankful for this new day?  Would it be better for me and everyone if I didn't wake up again?

*  I think "bless" is defined as regards my children, my grandchildren and me, as "health, safety, happiness and well-being."  But then, if we are to be blessed by MCG, would it not make sense to pray for whatever situations and/or conditions that would allow us to achieve our life's purposes?  And would it not be better to pray for the COURAGE for us to act to bring about those purposes?

* Should I continue praying "in the name of Jesus Christ" - I generally say "yes" to that, relying on the fact that this is how I was taught to pray, and there is some value in that, if nothing else than that it helps me end the prayer.

***********

I was interrupted this morning by my human condition.  I began coughing, clearing my throat, etc., which seems to happen often in the early morning, and it does annoyingly interrupt my focus on my prayer/meditation/breathing routine.

As I rose from my bed to go into the bathroom and cough and sneeze and clear my airways some more, I thought about the whole scene I'm creating.  I cursed my limitations as a human being in a physical body.  I told MCG to be patient since I was still human, and had to take care of these annoying irritating human biological conditions.

Also, as I walked, I lamented that my curse is to be someone who was raised one way (Mormon), but then doubted it, and necessarily therefore examined it, and was faced with the question, "Which religion IS the right one - for me?"

Not a new dilemma.  I mentally reviewed the major ones.  "If not Mormon, which one is it for me?  It can't be Catholic, or Protestant, or Jewish, or Muslim.  It has to be SOMETHING.  Religion is people's answers to "the purpose of life" and "how we should live."  And atheism is ALSO an answer to the purpose of life."

"Je suis ne catholique, et je reste catholique."  That's a much simpler answer.  But I no longer have the luxury of saying "I was born Mormon, and I'm staying Mormon."  Too late.  I already doubted.  The cat's out of the bag.  The can of worms has been opened.

WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON?

I feel more distant from MCG and from almost everyone here on earth that I know.

So what do I do now?

I get up & dressed & go visit Lisa & family, and take care of little Eli while they move into their new house in San Clemente.

Today, I wish I had kept earning an income for the past few years.  It would have allowed me to do some nice things for my family.  Like getting them a housewarming gift.

*sigh*

LTD (actually recorded the following day - 20130914)

I recalled a dream I'd had last night, but when I logged back on to record it, I kept getting a "frozen screen" which of course further irritated and annoyed.  So now, I'm recording my recollection of the dream, but it's 24 hours later.  (*sigh*)

The dream:  I saw myself in progressively worsening and extremely disadvantageous conditions.  I apparently had been driving a car (the image of my family's 1966 Aztec Bronze Chevrolet Impala comes to mind), and had parked it somewhere.  At a later point in the dream, I could not remember where it was parked.  I realized that I no longer had the keys.  I was later aware that I had no clothes on, except for a pair of boxer shorts.  Thus, I had no wallet, no ID on me.  I was wandering in some part of a city, looking for help, or some way out of this dilemma.  There were no other people visible in the dream, but I was fearful of meeting someone while in this state of affairs.  I inwardly thought that this situation would somehow resolve itself, but it never did before the dream ended.  (EOD)

ROUTINE

This morning, I'm lying in bed with a sore knee (although today it feels minimally better).  As my knee improves gradually, I'm led to think more about how I spend my day(s).

I could continue my routine, which has generally been as follows:

1.  Meditation/prayer to MCG
2.  Breathing to improve spirit, mind and body
3.  Squeezing testicles 63+ times
4.  Inversion Stretching - CANNOT be done while my knee heals.
5.  Sit-ups & push-ups
6.  Loren Johnson's yoga routine - CANNOT put stress on knees or bend them in yoga poses.

This is depressing.

Also, I'm depressed about my career (what else is new?).  I have a job of sorts with David Timpson, but it has yet to become a real job.  Oracle left me wondering for 2 weeks, and then called to say an interview is unlikely, since I had some "stiff competition" with more recent experience.  I'm torn about Oracle (or other such opportunities) since it would mean going back to sales & software, which I'd wanted to leave behind me.  But if I could have the right situation in that field (i.e., enough money & the right job & the right people), I'd go back temporarily.

And then my age is depressing, too.  What can I do (if Timpson doesn't come through)?  I'm at a loss to know.

Healing (i.e., my knee) is a slow process.  That's frustrating, and yet I'm glad for the slowness in some ways.  It allows me to be less stressed, and it allows me to observe more incremental improvements.

I'm imagining someone lying on a hospital bed with long-term injuries (or illness or disease), and figuring out how to handle the healing process both physically and mentally.

*sigh*

Well, things very well could take a significantly different turn within the next few weeks.

Meanwhile, I'm staying low key (?) and allowing my knee to heal, while I'm processing other issues (financial, food, computer, radio, reading..... and other stuff I don't recall right now).

I'm not sure if writing the above was therapeutic.  Also, apparently, no one else is reading my posts.  Not even me.

LTD (but only about an hour later)

I feel like such a big fucking failure.  I never went beyond a BA/BS, never reached a personal educational or career goal.

And my right knee hurts.  I thought it might be getting better, but today the pain is a bit more intense, and it seems like there's related pain in my entire right leg.  I can feel something (not sure what) in my hip, my thigh (bone?), my upper shin, and my foot.

Does pain caused from one source "move around?"  I've noticed upper arm pains, which disappeared as I continued to exercise.  But I'm not so sure that that's what caused them to go away.

I took 2 Advil (for swelling) at 8:30 AM (need to wait 4 hours before taking any more).  I want to use ice, but then I wouldn't be sure if the pain was affected (reduced) by the Advil or the ice.

Life is hard.

PRIDE - THE HUMAN KIND

Okay so here I am in Las Vegas, staying chez Kraig and Chris, and it's Saturday morning, the morning after our "wild night" in old downtown LV, where they had a gay pride parade at 8:00 PM.  Makes sense with the daytime highs being 100+ degrees. We found a nice spot in front of Starbucks where we had chairs with backs and a very nice view.

Those in attendance in our little entourage: 4 gay men, 2 straight women. There would have been 1 straight man but he had to e with his 9-year-old daughter whom he dared not bring to the parade, lest she see a naked butt or something "too gay".

I said "wild night" - and it WAS. I had TWO drinks, and we didn't get home until WELL after 10:30!!  (Yeah, I mean 10:30 "PM")

So. What am I proud of? My kids, for one thing. I might be responsible for some things in their lives. But over all, it's more feeling lucky, or blessed, than pride.

I cringe at the thought of them or their partners or their children being harmed or seriously sick. So far, all seems to be okay in regard to that.  I do thank MCG daily for them, and ask for their safety and well being and happiness, along with the opportunity to know and live their life purposes, even if (shuddering here) that means being harmed and/or seriously sick.

But would I want MY 9-year-old child with me at a gay pride parade?

I'd be proud.

HEALING - WAITING

Staying off my knee again today.  It just might be working to lie around and "let it heal."

We shall see.

Meanwhile, it's another day of waiting.

I could write the same few lines to several people today (or alternatively, could call them and say:)

Hi (David, Andre, Michael, Jonathan):

I've spent the better part of my days lately waiting for you to return my call.  I'm kind of going crazy here, wondering what the "update" might be on our next step(s).  Could you at least let me know today?  I'd really appreciate it.

Ken

So now it's 8:38, and there's no call from anyone.

*sigh*

LTD

I decided to contact the above 4 people, starting with David T.  I texted him about 2 hours ago, and just now (at 1:45PM) he texted me back, saying that there's a "good chance" that tomorrow will bring "good news."  That's not much different from all his prior updates, but it's still positive.

If he contacts me tomorrow with some tangible (i.e., here's some money) news, then I'll be much less focused on getting an answer from Oracle.  However, I still can't figure out why someone would ask me for my resume (and etc.), and after I've provided it, not even be willing to say something like "I don't have any information for you yet" or some such).

Re Andre, I don't think he's in a hurry to deal with TLE and our plans as of now; he's been "put in his place" by me, so he's feeling a bit wounded or something.  So it's anyone's guess when/if he'll contact us again.

Re Jonathan, he is surprising me by his silence.  I'm not sure if he is (or can be) interested in TLE any further, but only a conversation will reveal that.

*sigh*

So, I called Jonathan's number, which had a recording saying he's out all day today, and will likely call me back, but I can call HIM on Thursday.  Which I will do.  At least he's not avoiding me on purpose.

Waiting is no fun, but hey, at least I know about 2 of the 4 "callers" as of now, and will likely talk to both tomorrow.

And my renter says he'll deposit his rent today, which is nice (he usually waits until the end of the day on the 5th).

Money's tight (unless I withdraw more from my LOE), so I'm glad to have at least a hint of some good news to come soon.

"Tomorrow is another day."  As long as I wake up & have close to the same situation as I have had today.  I often think that the only thing I know for sure is that I seem to wake up day after day, and things are very close to how they were the day before.  And I'm still a gay male human being.

But tomorrow COULD bring good news from David T & Jonathan W.  We shall see.

O & O

ADDICTION - NOTHING STICKS - FINANCES

It's Tuesday morning, I am very perplexed by life. as usual, my thoughts are like eating bouillon soup with a fork. But still I will try to record some important information about my life, for whatever reason there might be today.

For the first time, I am doing this by voice texting, from my iPhone. I have kind of learned how to do this without creating too many errors. But it still needs editing, and of coarse, I will edit it for the obvious errors.

****
I switched to my laptop.  Much easier to write here.

Renaming this post "ADDICTION."

I'm an addict in the following ways:

- Addicted to procrastination & laziness.  I've almost always looked for a way to escape obligations, even self-imposed ones.
- Addicted to depression.  However, being aware that I'm depressed is new.
- Addicted to sex/sex clubs/sex websites/porn.  Although I don't ACT on these all that often, I still see an addiction within myself.
- Addicted to being alone emotionally (or is it "addicted to destroying relationships?")

So, if you realize that you WOULD BE addicted to something, if you gave into it more often, can you then say that you are NOT ADDICTED to it?  "Prone" to it, maybe?  "I have homosexual 'leanings'."  In my case, my "leanings" have turned out to be a "5" on the Kinsey scale.  I can't say "6" because I did marry a woman and I did have sex with her many times.  But she was the only woman.

What I CAN say is that no matter what I SAY (or WRITE) about something, it can hardly change the nature of it.

Or can it?

And further, what I DO about it probably doesn't change much.

Or does it?

Actually, that begs the question of why I'm writing all these posts.  Do I expect some sort of change?  I suppose I do.  Perhaps some insights will "occur."  Maybe I'll re-read it and make a different, better choice at some future crossroad.

But I don't think I'm at the point (yet) of having something I've written impact me to any significant degree.  IOW, so far, not much has "stuck" with me.  When I re-read stuff I've written - IMPORTANT stuff - it's usually like I'm reading it for the first time.  Bad memory?  Reading it too infrequently?

Either way, nothing sticks for me, with the possible exception of a few addictions.

Renaming this post ADDICTION - NOTHING STICKS

Thought sequence:  My English.  Eric Lefrandt's English.  Eric Lefrandt's trip to Scotland (with Arno, his ex-husband).  Eric Lefrandt's financial situation.  My financial situation.  And then the lament:  "Why is it that Eric can afford to go to Scotland - with his ex - while I am a person who has earned a lot of money, and now I can't even afford a trip to Las Vegas?"  My answer:  I haven't managed my money very well over my earning career, and I haven't awakened to my own poverty yet.  So I'm going to Vegas anyway.

The obvious next statement:  "Maybe I'll get lucky in Vegas."

With a "Fifty cent maximum" I doubt it'll happen.  At least I'm not addicted to gambling.

Renaming this post ADDICTION - NOTHING STICKS - FINANCES

In other news, my almost-daily visit to RfM (Recovery from Mormonism website, www.exmormon.org) has been prevented today by the fact that the admin is apparently having some problem, resulting in the message that I can't access right now, and to try later.

OK, it can happen.

Today I call Wells Fargo - we'll see how that goes.  Yesterday, I anticipated the call and imagined that, "with my luck" I'd likely not get through at all, or I'd get some excuse like "I can't do anything for another 60 days" or "Can you call me back in 2 weeks?" or "I know we need to meet, but I just got a new assignment and I thought you were my boss calling to ask me for a report" or some such.

But I'm almost always wrong & unable to accurately predict how things will go.  So maybe..... MAYbe.... it will be good news.

LTD (later that day)

I got voice mail for Wells Fargo.  Oh well.  Wrong as I was, at least there's a chance he (i.e. the gay Wells Fargo foundation/donation VP, Jonathan Weedman) will call back.

I've taken 2 Midol, and now 2 Bayer Back & Body pills for my knee (and leg) pain.  I'm hoping that "staying off of it" for the next 2 days will make a difference.  Thus far, the 4 pills have not alleviated the pains, which are in my right knee, and sort of all up and down my right leg.  The pains seem to move around, except for the knee pain which stays no matter what other areas hurt.

"I JUST GOT IT" - this is a phenomenon I've noticed that happens to me occasionally, and during conversations with others, most often in a group setting.

Here's how it went the other day (and this is typical):  I was at lunch for Jaren M's birthday, and we were with 4 of his friends, all eating at one of Jaren's favorite seafood restaurants in Burbank.  It was all-you-can-eat mostly Asian fare.  One of the friends announced that he had a headache, and I immediately offered him some pain pills by Bayer which I almost always have with me:  Bayer Back and Body.  When I said "Bayer Back and Body" he and others laughed.  I said, "No, that's what they are."  He accepted them, and I think they helped him.

So today, with my knee pain, I took some BBB, and I recalled the incident at lunch.  For some reason, at lunch, I didn't see any humor - I just gave him the pills.  But now, I repeated "Bayer Back and Body" to myself, and the humor clicked in:  Bareback and Body.  Ohhhhhhhhh, I get it now.

Funny how I not only DIDN'T get it at lunch, but I also maintained enough "composure" (what other word could I use here? ___________) such that everyone thought I got it, too.  I'm known for a dry sense of humor, and as such, I will not laugh or even smile at something humorous, and others have come to expect me to make some dead-pan comment.  In this case, I might have said "No, that's what they are." and added "Don't you wish they'd give you a bearback trip with a body?" or some such.

But no, I just really didn't get it until today.

And further, I've announced the name of my pain med to others in the past, and I'm vaguely recalling that others have snickered or smiled as I said "Bayer Back & Body."  Again, I never thought of any other meaning at the time.

Oh well, I again have "saved face" by being sort of neutral.  And if anyone went back to those conversations and said, "You never got that, did you?"  I could reply with "Of course I got it.  I was just being my usual dead-pan, dry-humored self."  Which would have been a lie.  So far, no one has done that.

But "I" have thought it, and I don't want to lie to myself.  So, Ken, here is the truth:  YOU DIDN'T GET IT until 2 days later (e.g.).

I wouldn't have made such a big deal about this, but it does happen a lot when I'm in a group setting, in a social setting, etc.  Well, it happens "too much" for me.  Perhaps it happens to EVERYone.  So what?  I'm concerned that it happens to ME.  (And this blog is about ME.)

So, if I am focused on this kind of thing happening to me, then perhaps it is diminished by my focusing on it.  Perhaps not.  Optimistically, I entertain the idea that as I think about it, it will happen less and less.  Pessimistically, I speculate that no matter how much I think about it, it will still happen when (but not necessarily every time) I'm in a group setting, and I'm speaking.

This addresses the heart of my self-concept.  Mom used to quote a poem which begins, "I have to live with myself, and so, I want to be fit for myself to know....." (that's all I can remember right now).  So, if she's right (i.e., that I DO have to live with myself), I have to live with this "not getting it" aspect of me.

I don't like it.  But it keeps happening.  Not every time I speak.  Not every day.  Not every time I'm in a group setting.  But it does keep happening.

I've been blessed/cursed with an awareness of this kind of thing.  Why?  What good can come of noticing it, especially if I can not change it or improve it or eliminate it?  Or can I?  IDK.

It's easy to write this kind of thing out, observing it from several perspectives, etc, etc.  But it's quite another thing to think about DOING something in response.

Time for a change of pace:  An apple with some peanut butter, as my mid-morning snack.  Yay!

LTD

Ate the apple; will be glad when my "Kroger" brand of smooth peanut butter (which I bought somewhere in Utah) is gone (it almost is), so I can get back to Laura Scudder's brand.  MUCH better & healthier & purer.

INSERT:  A note on Kroger peanut butter.  I'm in my room, and I have a fork which I use to speare the apple chunks, and then dip them into the peanut butter jar.  Kroger's peanut butter is, as I alluded to above, less healthy and less good than Laura Scudder's brand.  But I noticed something else about Kroger's peanut butter, and it's the jar.  It's a plastic jar, and the bottom is sort of "corrugated" or "bumpy" at the bottom.  In order to get ALL the peanut butter out, you'd have to sort of "wipe" each space at the bottom.  If you use a knife, fork, or normal sized spoon, you will leave some of the peanut butter behind as you come to the end of the supply in the jar.  Hmmmm.  I'm led to wonder if they do that on purpose.  I'd bet that they DO.  That small amount of "leftover" peanut butter, in each jar, would amount to quite a bit of wasted product.  And that translates to more frequent purchase of their product.  Which of course increases their profits.  Am I cynical?  I suppose in a way, I am.  But it's hard to argue with that fact.  I, being KeRoTay, will not let them win, in two ways:  1)  I dislike their product enough to not buy it again, but 2) I like it enough, and I'm pissed off enough, to finish the entire jar, even the peanut butter between the ridges at the bottom of the jar.  For that, I'll need a small knife or spoon, or maybe a spatula.  I'll have to go down to the kitchen to see what I can find.

Still can't get onto RfM's board.  But I DID read some of the letters Eric K received soon after he began his "page" (as they called it back in the mid-90s).  Mormons were quite unbelievable in how they wrote.  I wonder if any of the 15 or so letter authors has left the church by now.

I thought, as I read, that my 2 kids would not likely write anything like that.  They're both college-educated, and Joe particularly is particular about what words (and spelling) he choose to express his ideas.  I can't imagine he (or Lisa) would write so carelessly.

But they both might have the same core feelings as the writers did.  And that scares me.  I do wish that somehow I could "crack" that shell of testimony they have, so that they could look at life more open-mindedly.

It would be interesting for each of them to honestly answer the question, "Why do you continue to believe in and live according to the precepts taught by the Utah LDS Church?"

I suppose I'll have to leave that at this point in time.  They're not likely to be willing to even address it right now.  David T tells me that he thinks a person usually has to get to his 50s before s/he seriously questions his personal beliefs.

For me, it was 35, and of course it was "catalyst-ized" (is that a word?  no, but the meaning is clear) by my homosexuality.  Perhaps without addressing my sexual nature, I would have taken longer to address the issues of Mormonism.

Who knows?

The RfM site is BACK UP!  Yay!  That's another addiction I have.  Sort of.

LTD

I opened up today's post again, just in case I feel inspired or compelled or motivated to record any thoughts.

Watching Jeopardy, I realize that I'm not all that bright, or quick to recall stuff I know.  It's the "tournament of champions" so they're all very brainy and quick.  But it's still fun to try to answer some questions (or, more accurately, to question some answers) as the game goes on.

This Jeopardy is one of the ones I've enjoyed more than any others.  I actually learned something new (e.g., sygyzy - when the sun, the moon and the earth align), rather than just saying mostly "I knew that!"

"Thirst for Knowledge" - I apparently have a bit more lately.  It began with David T recommending that I buy some books on CD to listen to during my May Tripper in May.  I did that, and I bought Bill Bryson's "A Short History of Just About Everything."  It was nice not to have to be reading, in spite of the inability to make margin notes & comments.

So, info learned on Jeopardy was more pleasing.  And now "The Big Bang Theory" is on TV, so I'm learning more information, with a corny humorous bent.

I might be frustrated and depressed, but I feel a bit better right now.  Could have something to do with my earlier conversation with Andy S, about my involvement in The Lavender Effect.

But whoa, Ken.... hold on.

You expected to hear from a)  Oracle, b) Wells Fargo, and c) David Timpson today.  And not one of them called.

Maybe tomorrow, of course.  But I'm depressed about today.  Why the HELL couldn't at least ONE of these people contact me, at the very least to say, "No news right now.  Let's talk later."

I almost ALWAYS have to wait like this.  I don't know what to think about it.  I suppose I should say "They'll call, they're just not ready now."  But I still think the odds are somehow stacked against me.  It happens so often, especially when waiting for employment news.

In a perfect world, I would have gotten a call from David Timpson, saying that we can move forward financially as we've discussed.  (I've been waiting for more than six months for his "ship to come in.")  Then I would have gotten a call from Wells Fargo, agreeing to schedule a meeting with the VP of Corporate Giving (a gay guy) to discuss donations to TLE.  (He says he always returns all his calls.)  And finally, I would have gotten a call from Michael Spano at Oracle.  (And I would not have cared WHAT he said.)

But no, I am not extended the common courtesy of an update to my requests.

Why not?  What about me makes people who receive a request from me, ignore me?

I have a hard time believing that it always is a coincidence.  But it HAS to be, right?

FUCK everybody, then!

8th Post - SUNDAY MORNING

It's 6:24 AM.  There's no one in the place.

WILFRED is over (for now).  I've enjoyed watching the episodes, and I felt sorry that they were over (for now) this morning.

My laptop has been freezing (100% completely hard-reboot freezing) when I'm watching any videos.  The folks I talk to on line about computer problems (i.e., when I google the problem, and find an on-line answer, it's THOSE folks I "talk" to.  It actually means that I just try their solutionss, and most of the time, they work.)..... anyway, those folks gave me a list of possible solutions, which I'm now trying.

To test each step (i.e., to find out if that step were in fact the solution for my particular dilemma), I have to do the step, and then watch a bunch of videos.  If the videos freeze up my laptop, then the step tried is not the solution I need.

Needless to say, tedious to perform all these steps, the thought of which makes me *sigh* and feel frustrated and makes me ask, "Why me?  Is THIS the purpose of my life?"  It seems like a colossal distraction, and a major waste of time.

So, Sunday morning is generally a time of rest & emailing.  But today I feel messed up.

I can't believe I haven't yet showered since visiting TomKat theater on Friday night.  I'm depressed & I don't feel motivated to keep up the "maintenance" (i.e., showering, shaving, straightening room, etc.).  I DO eat, eliminate, and pay bills.  Minimum stuff.

And today, anyway, I'm blogging.

*sigh*

Later that evening.....

I want to make it a matter of record (as they often say), that I usually have a difficult time finding things, and it's almost always because I was too lazy to put the item "back," or in a place that makes sense to find it.
Usually, I just put it in a stack, or in plain sight, so that I can find it more readily - supposedly.  But it hardly EVER works out that way.

For example...... during my May Tripper trip around the country, I took my 2nd key to my car with me, and kept it in a zippered pocket inside my computer brief case.  I had my passport & some other papers in the same place, for safe keeping.

During my trip (5 weeks) I never needed the extra key.  When I was back home, I recall moving my passport & other stuff back to the place I keep them (uh-uh-uh.... I won't make THAT place a matter of this record!!) when I'm home.  And I recall moving the key.  But I don't recall where I put it.  "I'll have to make a focused search for the key," I thought.  But I never did.

Fast forward until THIS morning, when I for some reason was motivated to look for the key.  (The key acts as the way my roommate could move my car should he ever need to when I'm not home.)

My first impulse was to look in the computer brief case, even though I looked through it a couple times right after I got home, and didn't (obviously) find the key.  My nature is to look in what I think is the most likely place first.  And if I don't find it fairly soon, I begin to lament my lame brain/memory.

"Why?!" I will lament, "WHY can't I ever find things??  It's such a waste of time, and it makes me so mad!"

Well, THIS time was different.  I moved away from my usual position on the left side of my waterbed, and began to move toward my bedroom window where my computer briefcase was sitting.  "On the way" (which is only about 10 steps) I paused a second, and said to myself, "I wonder if I might have put the key in my CPAP bag."  I bent over, opened the bag, and pulled out the key!

Amazing feeling!  Amazing event!

And I didn't even have to pray.

7th Post - THE PURPOSE OF MY LIFE

I've never known what the purpose of my life is.

It seems so unusual for me to have very little idea about the purpose of my life, even now, when I'm in my 60s.

But this morning, I have NPR playing on my iPhone.  A person explained that he became ill, and while ill, he was afforded the opportunity of writing (in his case, music).  This is a thought I've had several times about me:  I've wondered if I might be motivated to write more and better, if I didn't have the distractions of a usual life to pull me away from writing.

I've often thought I'm a natural writer.  But perhaps it's only that I'm a careful writer, since I grew up learning foreign languages.  In the case of Spanish, I never wrote it.  But with German and French, I was required to write it, and to write it correctly.  This spilled back into English, and therefore I tend to write correctly, even if it's in a blog that no one else is likely to read.

Also, I was prompted for some reason to wonder about the "limitless possibilities" of our universe.

For every star, there is possibly a possibility of exploration, and the number seems endless, or at least countless.

But according to Bill Bryson (author of "A Short History of Just About Everything," which I have listened to at least 6 times over the last several months), it would be impossible for us (i.e., Earthlings) to travel to the end of our Universe, let alone wherever places there might be beyond that "end."

Not, at least, at the speeds we have thus far attained, and during a usual lifetime of 80 years.

Not, at least, without some new time travel technology which does not appear to be possible.

Not, at least, if things stay the same as they are today.

We are apparently very alone in our Universe.

Naturally, therefore, it could be said that based on the above (I know, I'm using endless qualifiers....but that's me.), the purpose of our lives (my life) must be defined by those limitations.

MCG (my creator god) seems to want me to direct my attentions HERE (on Earth, and maybe even inside me), and not THERE (outer space).

It's tough for me to describe any limitations at all.  Because I'm filled with "what ifs."  What if we COULD find a way to get to another Universe with another planet like Earth.  THEN what would be the purpose of my life?

But as long as it SEEMS unlikely, perhaps my purpose is, in fact limited to THIS Universe, to THIS Solar System, to THIS Earth, to THIS Dimension, to THIS sphere of experience, to THIS body, to THIS mind, to THESE memory cells, to THESE atoms, and to anything else there might be on a continuingly inward trek.

Whew.

So then, once I've defined my atoms (perhaps), I realize once again that I am one being among billions, and quickly any high and glorious purpose of my life becomes diluted.

Unless, of course, every other being is a hologram (I used to call them all "paintings") designed to further my purpose.  In that case, I and MCG and my life purpose ARE "high and glorious," since we are the ONLY beings involved in whatever this "process" might be.

*sigh*

I'm caught up again in all the trappings of what ifs, and perhapses, and possibilities.  And that distracts and distorts my thinking about what, to put it as simply as I can, the PURPOSE OF MY LIFE really is.

*sigh* again.

******************
I came back to edit/add to my earlier musings (shown above, and left unedited)

Saturday morning, which this is, lends itself to additional musings, although I don't really know why it should, since I'm not obligated to be anywhere (such as a job or a church service) on any other morning.

But thoughts flood my brain (or SEEM to flood), and that in itself is a bit frustrating, since I don't have any way of capturing them and sorting them out and writing them down (if only for my own sake)..... so I have to make my way through the minutes of my writing/blog time, and try to recapture my important thoughts.

BTW, I'm also multi-tasking right now:  Listening to NPR on my iPhone, and eating a sort of decadent breakfast (waffles with butter & syrup, under non-fat yogurt and frozen blueberries, 1/2 an orange, all washed down by water), all the time keeping an eye on my AOL IM indicators, in case Robert (Trebor) of Denver should pop up.

On NPR, they're interviewing a Spanish singer/song writer/poet who claims that "just now," she is emerging from the longest night of her life, which night has lasted her whole life.  This and many other artists interviewed on NPR seems to be all about themselves.

This particular one says that she doesn't care if she sells only ONE record..... or a million.  "MON OEIL."  She is black, born in Spain, and a kind of gypsie.  Now she's moved to Miami, and THAT is telling.  People move to America to enjoy a better life, a freer life.  And yet she says she does not have a sense of her purpose in life.

Hmmmmmm, I don't necessarily buy it.

She sounds like a black African woman singing Spanish music.

She at least has a passion.  Unlike me.

Am I FIGHTING having a passion, so that I can say that I don't have one?

Yesterday, I met with a good friend Marty M, who is a therapist.  He helped me at lot, at least it felt like that during our 1-2 hour lunch in Century City (Seasons 52 restaurant).

Dilemma:  If I were to attempt to review my meeting with Marty, I know I'd get caught up in the details, perhaps becoming over-analytical, at the possible expense of focusing on the key core issues we discussed.  So I don't want to even attempt it.

OTOH, if I DO NOT attempt to summarize & account for my Marty M meeting yesterday, I will likely "forget" (temporarily leave out of my conscious awareness) some or maybe even all of the key core issues.

Key core issues.  Hmmmmmm.

NPR is discussing panspermia (i.e., we come from out of space), and the host asked what of a being a being who wonders what its purpose is.

Hmmmmmmm, again.

Meanwhile, let's go to a play and enjoy a movie.  Last night, I saw "The World's End" with Andy Sacher.  Then I went back to the TomKat theater and watched several other movies - all porn, and all titillating, yet unfulfilling.  I didn't watch any of the 10 or so films there from beginning to end, having been "distracted" by the other "theatre patrons" who were there for sex, or at least to watch other people having sex.

In the wake of my Marty M meeting at lunch yesterday, I felt like I could go to the TomKat theater, and indulge in some guilt-free wanton sex.  I didn't feel guilty being there.  I went BEFORE meeting Andy for dinner/movie, and I went back AFTERwards, staying at the TomKat until past 1AM.

6th POST - MORE WAITING TODAY, I SUPPOSE

Nevertheless, I am still waiting.

I'm PROACTIVELY waiting.

MORE waiting.  *sigh.*

On Monday, I heard from Oracle (about the possibility of being hired as an account rep for them), and from Timpson Medical (about the possibility of funding, and therefore beginning the work as a BDM for David T, and therefore being paid some sum of money, which would alleviate the financial crisis in which I am finding myself these days).

But no.

No word from Oracle (for whom I'm not likely to work anyway, since I was 100% honest in my resume, my completion of their "chart" depicting my experience & past earnings).

And no word from Timpson (for whom I AM likely to work, although I don't know as yet exactly what I'd be doing, nor how much money I'd be making).

It's frustrating to be waiting.  I AM tired by waiting, Mr. Kipling.

And depressed.

I sometimes think I should kick myself in the butt to "kickstart" my life again.  And other times, I feel so depressed that I think kickstarting myself would fail anyway.

All through this, I've had the thought that things will work out somehow.

TRIP TO FRANCE?  Marie is staying at Les Tertres for the month of September, and it would be a great time for me to go visit.  But I have not the "Monet" to buy "Degas" - etc.  So will the Universe provide that for me?  Will a way open up for me to go to France next month?

Maybe.  But probably not.

As I write, I'm impressed to think that no one will ever read all this, since it's depressing, rambling.  The themes I "choose" as I begin get diluted by other "threads."  So it's not something that could be beneficial, uplifting, rewarding or even interesting to other people, such that they'd read it regularly, or even once.

No comment(s).

*sigh*

Maybe today's the day I'll stop waiting.

1st MOBILE POST - WAITING

This is the first post I have ever made from my iPhone. I'm visiting Lisa and Rodney, Lyla and Eli in Rancho Santa Margarita. And I did not bring my laptop with me. So I am pleased to know that I can make a blog post from my iPhone.

I kind of figured that I could, but now I know for sure.

Feelings of de pression are still with me today, but it is always helpful to be around my grandchildren, who are in a very different space, and who have needs, which I can provide for them. So that makes me feel better.

Last night, Lisa came home late, and explained how she had mixed up several things, and even though she did, she was spontaneous about how things went. I am really glad for that. Because when I was younger, it was very difficult for me to just "let go" and be myself.

So, today is a new day. I have meditated and will now do some breathing exercises, and hopefully do more of my routine. That also usually makes me feel better.

Today, I could very well receive word from 1) Oracle, and 2) Timpson medical. Both are possibly life-changing bits of news. But they also very well could not come today at all.  So, I am waiting, as usual.

Kipling said, "if you can wait, and not be tired by waiting… Then you'll be man, my son."

I have never liked waiting. However, I do it better now than I used to, in general.

*sigh*

Post 5.75 KEY PEOPLE WHO HAVE DIED

Randomly thought of, these people were (are?) supportive of me as a gay man; they have died:

Frank White (Saturday's Warrior)
Sally (Janice) Stephens (mission)
Kerry Arbon (mission)
Rance Searle (friend of friend)
Kathleen T. Phillips (sister)
Millie (Michelle) Barnes (sister)
Thomas A. Taylor (brother)
Robert N. Taylor (brother)
Carolyn Myler (mission - bubble glass world)

I know there are more; I wish I could think of them all as I'm typing this.  I'll add them as I recall them.

These are people I'd have liked to sit down with and talk to about homosexuality, Mormonism, and my life.  But no, they had to go and die before I could talk to them.

(maybe) Corrinne Chislett (Montreal High School girlfriend)

Here are some people to whom I'd like to talk, who are probably still living:
Marc Sylvan (mission)
Grayden Bridge (mission) - I approached him, but so far, he's refused to discuss either issue beyond stating that I'm wrong and he's right.
Donald Barber (mission)
Tom Whitney (mission)
Mike Wilcox (mission)
David Jones (mission)
Glen Park (mission)
Lance Hammond (mission)

Post 5.5 WHY I LEFT MORMONISM

Inspired by a YouTube video which features Richard Dutcher (anti-Mormon film maker) explaining how it feels to leave the Mormon Church, I want to make a public statement about my status in the wake of being excommunicated from the Utah LD$ Church:

I was born male, 8th child and 5th son of Ancel Newell and Virginia Borg Taylor, on July 10, 1950, sometime after 11PM, at The Doctors Hospital on "I" street in downtown Washington, DC.  About 3 years later, they had their 4th daughter and last child.

Soon after my birth, I was circumcised.  Many years later I found out that my father was not.  I'd be interested to know why they decided to have all their sons circumcised.

Eventually, I realized that our family was Mormon, and when I asked questions, I was told by parents and/or siblings that it was the only true church on the earth.  So eventually, I concluded that most of my friends (in my Maryland neighborhood) belonged to the wrong churches.  Much later, I learned that the Mormon doctrine labeled all of these "other churches" as "of the devil" or at the very least, "anti-Mormon."

I bought it without question.  After all, my father and older siblings all believed it.  Even Tom, the "black sheep" of our family, went to the Mormon temple to get married.  I idolized Tom, but when it came to religion, I parted ways, since I believed so strongly in Mormonism.

But also eventually, I realized that I was different from other boys & girls near my age (between 5 and 11 years).  They were attracted to the opposite sex (or so it seemed), and I was attracted to other boys.  Not sexually, yet, of course.  Although, who knows how to describe sexual attraction at that age? - Maybe it WAS sexual.  But I don't remember it being such until the few years before I reached puberty.

Richard Zierdt and I sort of "explored" each other, and we obviously had erections, since we used to refer to our penises as "cannons."  I was probably 8 or 9 or 10 then.

(I told you - you who are reading this - that it would be 100% uncensored, so please don't be offended at my frank descriptions.  Or at least try not to, so you can see the bigger picture.  Thanks.)

Anyway, I stayed with my fixation on my "cannon" and quickly realized that I should not discuss this with anyone in my family, especially my parents, who seemed to be strict and stern and conservative.  At least, looking back, that's what I think they were trying to be.  Later, I would find out that in many ways, they were quite liberal.

So.  Fast forward to about 1985, when I met a man who lived in Eastern Utah, a man named Rance Searle (he's since died).  He and I had a homosexual liason, although I was, at the time, married and feeling quite guilty about my gay activities, even the ones that were just talking to a new friend.  He introduced to me the idea that the LD$ church might NOT be the only true church on the Earth.

Now, those of you who know me, know that by this time in my life, I'd already lived in several foreign countries where most had not even HEARD about Mormonism.  And I'd already served a mission in France, where no only did most not know about Mormonism, but also, those who DID know were generally hostile to the idea of our bringing them a "new American religion" to replace whatever they might have hitherto believed.  ("hitherto" - :) works well in that sentence.)

So why now, would Lance Searle have had such a strong effect on my beliefs about Mormonism?  Was it because he was gay, and I was looking for a "way out" of the guilt?

No.

Was it because I had just never taken the time to focus on the reality of what my beliefs were at the time, and whether or not they were valid?

Yes.

But those who know the next chapters of my life history will likely conclude that it WAS, in fact, because I was gay, and wanted a "way out."

They are wrong.

Of course, I struggled with BOTH issues, and the gay friend (Lance) was the catalyst.  But he helped me, or at least introduced me, to examine(ing) my true beliefs.  From that time, and for about 2 years, I conducted a serious investigation of Mormonism.

Lance had told me that there were at least EIGHT versions of Joseph Smith's "First Vision" and that they all did not agree in detail or even in general.  I was both appalled and relieved.

Appalled that I had never known about the 8+ versions, and relieved that perhaps IF the LD$ church were NOT true, then I was "relieved" of all the guilt I had felt.

So, my investigation, which included interviews with Charles Didier (my former Mission President, and by then a General Authority) and several others, led me out of the church.  I specifically did NOT tell them anything about the homosexual aspects of my life.  I did not want the two issues to mix.

And, because of my sincere & honest investigation of the LD$ church (which investigation included sincere and honest prayer about whether I might be being misled by leaving), I left Mormonism spiritually, and later physically ("physically" meaning that I no longer attended any meetings).

Not long after that, I left my wife.  When I did that, she "reported" me to the Bishop and the Stake President.  And not long after that, he excommunicated me, when I refused to meet with him to answer to the allegations that my wife had leveled against me with regard to being gay.

So, the HISTORY is sort of mixed.  It's easy to think I left Mormonism because I'm gay.  Well, I have to say, that had I NOT been gay, I MIGHT still be active in the LD$ church, and even possibly married.

But to me, it's very clear.  I left Mormonism because it is a fraud.  It is based on lies and the continuation of those lies which have become "truth" to many, including my own children.

I'd like to convince them of a truth, and that is, that the church they belong to is not true.  It's good in a few ways, but it's a brainwashing, child abusive, arrogant cult, too.  And my heart's desire is for them, and also for all my other relatives (even my ex-wife) to wake up to that truth.

*sigh*