20131028
If this post becomes a draft, and I don't complete it for 1 or more days, it'll be labeled with the date on which I actually publish it. So, at least with the date inserted above, I'll know when I first wrote the draft.
So, I woke up depressed again today, and it was because I'm not working, PLUS I haven't heard from David T (my prospective employer), nor have I heard from Jonathan Weedman (WFB rep who promises to at least meet with Andy S and me to discuss possible donations from WFB).
Why must I wait forever? (OK, "so long" is more accurate.) But WHY? It seems that the rest of the world functions at a more normal pace.
I had to wait at almost ever level of my job, I waited for Teresa do decide to marry me (she only took 6 years). I wait for Joe & Lisa to contact me (although Joe isn't as bad - he does keep in touch).
"If you can wait, and not be tired by waiting." Thanks Kipling. But WTF?? If waiting MAKES me TIRED...... I can't pretend that it doesn't.
If one pretends to "be" something long enough, does he become that thing? I.e., patient.
Patience is a virtue? Waiting still sucks.
Plus.... if so many people postpone contacting me, it HAS to mean that a) the other aspects of their lives are more important to them, or b) they are intentionally ignoring me. What else could it be?
Back when I was an active LDS person, I taught the Aaronic Priesthood class, and I tried to be creative about it. I wanted to do a special lesson about XXX (I can't recall what it was), and it involved having the Bishop present to discuss a particular subject. I invited him to come, and he said he would, but he kept postponing his visit. That disrupted my lesson plans. One week he said he'd be there, but didn't show up again. So I improvised. Later, I talked to his Counsellor, who sort of blew up at me for my continued "nagging" him - he said "You've been on my back about that for weeks!" He told me to just do my lessons as normal, and wait until the Bishop got there. I replied that I HAD done exactly that, but I just wanted to know if/when the Bishop would show up, so I could be ready. I mentioned that I'd improvised when he didn't show up. "Yeah, you made one up," he sneered. That was hurtful.
My point here is, I didn't think I should have had to wait and wait and wait to even FIND OUT if the Bishop was going to come. Let alone, wait and wait and wait for him to be there.
So, FF to today: I'm waiting again.
I'm purposfully NOT seeing employment. I'm waiting for David T to call me. It could be months and months from now.
But I guess I've waited all my life, so what else is new?
LTD:
It's 8:40AM. Still waiting.
Monday, October 28, 2013
Saturday, October 26, 2013
FINALLY (actually written bet 20131002 and 20131007)
INSERTED NOTE: I'm not sure what the original date of my writing this post is. I can tell by the content that it was sometime between October 1 and October 8. I know it was AFTER October 1 because I had hoped to submit the Wells Fargo grant application in September, and we missed that date. I also know it was BEFORE October 8, since that is David T's birthday, and I knew that I was going to try to remember to wish him a Happy Birthday on that date.
So the date is likely to have been sometime between October 2-7.
****************
FINALLY, a bit of relief. Why?
1. Andy and I finished our document for Wells Fargo. After a month+ of delay.
2. DAVID T called!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Although there is nothing for sure, it appears that his "big money" will be deposited in his account within the next 2 weeks. I know, it's not for sure. But he's more positive now than he's ever been.
SIGH - BIG SIGH!!
Heavy winds are blowing here in Winnetka. Winds of change? I hope! I'll take them - I don't have much else to take.
And Lisa et al are feeling better today. YAY!
And Andy and I patched things up after our "blow up" (for me)/"emotional response" (for him).
All is better.
Thank heavens, thank MCG, thank me....... maybe my knee will even be better now.
****************
The above was NOT written on Saturday, October 26. (That's the date right now.) Apparently, if I don't "save" AND "publish," my writing on a given day/date is only a "draft." If I then, at a later time, "publish" it, it becomes a post for the day I publish it. Not for the day I actually wrote it.
Grrrrrrrrr.
How can I know when I wrote the above??
I guess I could "revert to draft" - that might put it back to a draft created on a certain past date.
****************
After a preliminary search for how to retrieve the date on which I actually WROTE this post.... it seems that I can't retrieve it at all. I might be missing something. I HOPE I'm missing something. It seems to me that there should be some record of the date on which I actually wrote it. But that date is not apparent - at least not yet.
I can guess the date by the content. I'll do that. But I HATE that I have to do that. Why? Because what if there were nothing in the content that would even allow a good guess? What then? I'd only know that it was on a day before today. I MIGHT remember that it was about a week ago, or some such. But I wouldn't KNOW for sure.
And I do want to KNOW for sure.
*sigh*
I believe I'll revert to inserting the current date in each post. That way, I'll KNOW for sure.
NOTE: Others might be able to think this issue through easily without writing about it. Others might not care about exact dates. Others might ridicule my meticulous approach. But I am me. I often wish I didn't have this aspect of my personality, which aspect often seems like a plague to me. But it's there. I am me. And I will act on it, and hope it doesn't destroy or distract me from weightier issues too much.
So the date is likely to have been sometime between October 2-7.
****************
FINALLY, a bit of relief. Why?
1. Andy and I finished our document for Wells Fargo. After a month+ of delay.
2. DAVID T called!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Although there is nothing for sure, it appears that his "big money" will be deposited in his account within the next 2 weeks. I know, it's not for sure. But he's more positive now than he's ever been.
SIGH - BIG SIGH!!
Heavy winds are blowing here in Winnetka. Winds of change? I hope! I'll take them - I don't have much else to take.
And Lisa et al are feeling better today. YAY!
And Andy and I patched things up after our "blow up" (for me)/"emotional response" (for him).
All is better.
Thank heavens, thank MCG, thank me....... maybe my knee will even be better now.
****************
The above was NOT written on Saturday, October 26. (That's the date right now.) Apparently, if I don't "save" AND "publish," my writing on a given day/date is only a "draft." If I then, at a later time, "publish" it, it becomes a post for the day I publish it. Not for the day I actually wrote it.
Grrrrrrrrr.
How can I know when I wrote the above??
I guess I could "revert to draft" - that might put it back to a draft created on a certain past date.
****************
After a preliminary search for how to retrieve the date on which I actually WROTE this post.... it seems that I can't retrieve it at all. I might be missing something. I HOPE I'm missing something. It seems to me that there should be some record of the date on which I actually wrote it. But that date is not apparent - at least not yet.
I can guess the date by the content. I'll do that. But I HATE that I have to do that. Why? Because what if there were nothing in the content that would even allow a good guess? What then? I'd only know that it was on a day before today. I MIGHT remember that it was about a week ago, or some such. But I wouldn't KNOW for sure.
And I do want to KNOW for sure.
*sigh*
I believe I'll revert to inserting the current date in each post. That way, I'll KNOW for sure.
NOTE: Others might be able to think this issue through easily without writing about it. Others might not care about exact dates. Others might ridicule my meticulous approach. But I am me. I often wish I didn't have this aspect of my personality, which aspect often seems like a plague to me. But it's there. I am me. And I will act on it, and hope it doesn't destroy or distract me from weightier issues too much.
ECHOES OF THE PAST I'D LIKE TO FORGET
Ganesh: "You vill lose dis deel."
IDE guy: "At the end of the day..."
EdNet School Marm: "Not good." and "Well, you ASKED me."
There are so many more, but right now, I can't think clearly enough to write them all down.
*sigh*
I noticed that there was a "draft" in my list of posts which I had titled "FINALLY." I clicked "publish," which made it seem like it was a post created TODAY, and not back when I wrote it. That's not what I want. I want the date I wrote it to be the controlling date. Rather, this system "files" the posts by the day/date it was "published."
I'd like to keep a record of BOTH dates. Perhaps that's not possible. I COULD in fact insert the date into the body of the text, and that would tell me when I wrote it.
That's exactly what I was doing when I started this whole blog. But I yielded to the system, in a sense. I noted that the dates of my writings were automatically inserted into the title of the post. So I stopped putting my own date in them.
Now I wish I had done what I was doing at the beginning.
I know, I know, I know...... it's only a date.
But dates are important to me. They should accurately reflect what was done when. I've long labeled the things I write with an 8 letter date (e.g., 19930710), and it's often helped me put in order the things pertaining to a given activity, customer, etc.
Dates. They're also important to reconstructing the Book of Mormon events.
You could say that (for example) Sidney Rigdon visited the Patterson Print shop during a given period of time because his name appears on a list of "unclaimed letters" after a certain date, and then later, his name was no longer there.
But we don't REALLY know that's the case. Someone who write his name could have done so based on a mere comment by another person on the day s/he was compiling the list. Or, someone could have been mistaken about Mr. Rigdon's identity (e.g., "I'm pretty sure that was him. I'll add his name to the list, and we'll see.")
The point is, mistakes happen, and they're probably not "malicious." They're probably mostly innocent mistakes.
But why can't we be as clear and precise as possible. Sloppy writing and recording events at the wrong time lead to confusion. And when the issue is important (even if only important to one person), it's even more critical that we be clear, accurate, precise.
Much of the world doesn't care about all this. But I do.
It might be a curse. But it's part of me, for whatever reason there might be.
So now I'll try to fix the "FINALLY" draft, and figure out what date I wrote it. I hope the system will allow me to track the date I wrote it, even if I'm forced to use today's date for the date of "publishing."
*************
20131026:
(From now on, I'm going to insert the actual date I'm writing stuff, so there's no possibility of confusion about the date.)
So, it's Saturday morning, and I woke up with the same ole same ole:
1. Knee pain, and wondering if the little green patches are doing anything at all.
2. Desire to talk to MCG
3. Sinus drip/cough syndrome
4. Restless night - couldn't figure out which side to sleep on.
5. Phantom aches in my right arm & right leg.
6. Lamenting my financial predicament - and wondering why I must be someone who waits and waits for stuff that could easily be updated (at the very least. for example, a call from WFB saying "I don't know yet." or a call from David T saying "I can't talk for a week." or some such).
7. All the technical crap I deal with (phone, PC, TV, car)
8. What is the purpose of my life????????????? I still don't feel I'm any closer to an understanding of what it is. And I still don't feel closer to even being "nudged" by MCG in any direction. I hope I'm not fooling myself. I hope I haven't missed the boat (i.e., the nudge, or the screaming message, or whatever it might be that MCG might have sent me before today). I hope that when I hear it, I'll recognize it and have the courage to accept it and act on it. I hope.
I hope.
So MCG or no MCG, I will have lived a life of hoping, and not much doing. So be it.
Meanwhile, I have to eat and sleep and poop and pay my taxes..... until I die.
IDE guy: "At the end of the day..."
EdNet School Marm: "Not good." and "Well, you ASKED me."
There are so many more, but right now, I can't think clearly enough to write them all down.
*sigh*
I noticed that there was a "draft" in my list of posts which I had titled "FINALLY." I clicked "publish," which made it seem like it was a post created TODAY, and not back when I wrote it. That's not what I want. I want the date I wrote it to be the controlling date. Rather, this system "files" the posts by the day/date it was "published."
I'd like to keep a record of BOTH dates. Perhaps that's not possible. I COULD in fact insert the date into the body of the text, and that would tell me when I wrote it.
That's exactly what I was doing when I started this whole blog. But I yielded to the system, in a sense. I noted that the dates of my writings were automatically inserted into the title of the post. So I stopped putting my own date in them.
Now I wish I had done what I was doing at the beginning.
I know, I know, I know...... it's only a date.
But dates are important to me. They should accurately reflect what was done when. I've long labeled the things I write with an 8 letter date (e.g., 19930710), and it's often helped me put in order the things pertaining to a given activity, customer, etc.
Dates. They're also important to reconstructing the Book of Mormon events.
You could say that (for example) Sidney Rigdon visited the Patterson Print shop during a given period of time because his name appears on a list of "unclaimed letters" after a certain date, and then later, his name was no longer there.
But we don't REALLY know that's the case. Someone who write his name could have done so based on a mere comment by another person on the day s/he was compiling the list. Or, someone could have been mistaken about Mr. Rigdon's identity (e.g., "I'm pretty sure that was him. I'll add his name to the list, and we'll see.")
The point is, mistakes happen, and they're probably not "malicious." They're probably mostly innocent mistakes.
But why can't we be as clear and precise as possible. Sloppy writing and recording events at the wrong time lead to confusion. And when the issue is important (even if only important to one person), it's even more critical that we be clear, accurate, precise.
Much of the world doesn't care about all this. But I do.
It might be a curse. But it's part of me, for whatever reason there might be.
So now I'll try to fix the "FINALLY" draft, and figure out what date I wrote it. I hope the system will allow me to track the date I wrote it, even if I'm forced to use today's date for the date of "publishing."
*************
20131026:
(From now on, I'm going to insert the actual date I'm writing stuff, so there's no possibility of confusion about the date.)
So, it's Saturday morning, and I woke up with the same ole same ole:
1. Knee pain, and wondering if the little green patches are doing anything at all.
2. Desire to talk to MCG
3. Sinus drip/cough syndrome
4. Restless night - couldn't figure out which side to sleep on.
5. Phantom aches in my right arm & right leg.
6. Lamenting my financial predicament - and wondering why I must be someone who waits and waits for stuff that could easily be updated (at the very least. for example, a call from WFB saying "I don't know yet." or a call from David T saying "I can't talk for a week." or some such).
7. All the technical crap I deal with (phone, PC, TV, car)
8. What is the purpose of my life????????????? I still don't feel I'm any closer to an understanding of what it is. And I still don't feel closer to even being "nudged" by MCG in any direction. I hope I'm not fooling myself. I hope I haven't missed the boat (i.e., the nudge, or the screaming message, or whatever it might be that MCG might have sent me before today). I hope that when I hear it, I'll recognize it and have the courage to accept it and act on it. I hope.
I hope.
So MCG or no MCG, I will have lived a life of hoping, and not much doing. So be it.
Meanwhile, I have to eat and sleep and poop and pay my taxes..... until I die.
Thursday, October 17, 2013
GOOD-BYE SLC, FOR NOW
Today I'm leaving SLC after 10 days.
I think I caught cold last night. Elliot's room is FREEZING at night.
Pain discs: I've had them on my knee since Tuesday at 7:30 PM. They haven't removed ALL the pain but I'm giving them 3 days. I showered withe them in place. They are still there. Funny the instructions don't mention anything about shaving or showering.
Hate blogling on my phone. Can't always see what I type.
A new reddish mark has appeared on top of my penis at the base. No pain. Jus small red irregular spot. I need to get tested again soon.
Session w DT was the best ever (60mg ketamine). It felt the best while I was under. Depression was gone. Now I have to keep the memory alive. Also remember the 3 things DT told me as I went under:
1. I'm part of a whole and not an individual
2.
3.
Dammit I can't remember any more right now.
Got to move forward.
I think I caught cold last night. Elliot's room is FREEZING at night.
Pain discs: I've had them on my knee since Tuesday at 7:30 PM. They haven't removed ALL the pain but I'm giving them 3 days. I showered withe them in place. They are still there. Funny the instructions don't mention anything about shaving or showering.
Hate blogling on my phone. Can't always see what I type.
A new reddish mark has appeared on top of my penis at the base. No pain. Jus small red irregular spot. I need to get tested again soon.
Session w DT was the best ever (60mg ketamine). It felt the best while I was under. Depression was gone. Now I have to keep the memory alive. Also remember the 3 things DT told me as I went under:
1. I'm part of a whole and not an individual
2.
3.
Dammit I can't remember any more right now.
Got to move forward.
Thursday, October 3, 2013
WHY?
Today's a MISERABLE day, and it's only 11:30!!
WHY does Andy delay the WF grant application?
WHY did Rod Foster move back to LA, and contact everyone except me?
WHY isn't David Timpson considerate enough to contact me, if for nothing more than a quick update?
WHY does the pain in my right knee continue, day after day?
WHY doesn't God talk to me in a way I can understand him? (IF he's talking to me at all)
WHY did I dream that my car was stolen last night? Helpless lost feeling throughout the dream.
WHY do my friends (most of them) ignore my pleas for TLE contributions?
WHY am I not motivated to exercise, eat right, find a job?
WHY did I never get really animated about ANY career choice?
NUTS!
LTD
I'm feeling a bit better tonight, but I don't know why. The plumbers came and fixed the hot water problem. I'm not sure exactly what the problem was. They worked on it, removing some "debris" or something they say was caused by the unfortunate connection of a galvanized pipe to a copper pipe. Corrosion happens, and debris builds up, I guess.
So now that our hot water has been restored, I feel a bit better.
Such a stupid life. I still don't get it.
WHY does Andy delay the WF grant application?
WHY did Rod Foster move back to LA, and contact everyone except me?
WHY isn't David Timpson considerate enough to contact me, if for nothing more than a quick update?
WHY does the pain in my right knee continue, day after day?
WHY doesn't God talk to me in a way I can understand him? (IF he's talking to me at all)
WHY did I dream that my car was stolen last night? Helpless lost feeling throughout the dream.
WHY do my friends (most of them) ignore my pleas for TLE contributions?
WHY am I not motivated to exercise, eat right, find a job?
WHY did I never get really animated about ANY career choice?
NUTS!
LTD
I'm feeling a bit better tonight, but I don't know why. The plumbers came and fixed the hot water problem. I'm not sure exactly what the problem was. They worked on it, removing some "debris" or something they say was caused by the unfortunate connection of a galvanized pipe to a copper pipe. Corrosion happens, and debris builds up, I guess.
So now that our hot water has been restored, I feel a bit better.
Such a stupid life. I still don't get it.
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