I've never known what the purpose of my life is.
It seems so unusual for me to have very little idea about the purpose of my life, even now, when I'm in my 60s.
But this morning, I have NPR playing on my iPhone. A person explained that he became ill, and while ill, he was afforded the opportunity of writing (in his case, music). This is a thought I've had several times about me: I've wondered if I might be motivated to write more and better, if I didn't have the distractions of a usual life to pull me away from writing.
I've often thought I'm a natural writer. But perhaps it's only that I'm a careful writer, since I grew up learning foreign languages. In the case of Spanish, I never wrote it. But with German and French, I was required to write it, and to write it correctly. This spilled back into English, and therefore I tend to write correctly, even if it's in a blog that no one else is likely to read.
Also, I was prompted for some reason to wonder about the "limitless possibilities" of our universe.
For every star, there is possibly a possibility of exploration, and the number seems endless, or at least countless.
But according to Bill Bryson (author of "A Short History of Just About Everything," which I have listened to at least 6 times over the last several months), it would be impossible for us (i.e., Earthlings) to travel to the end of our Universe, let alone wherever places there might be beyond that "end."
Not, at least, at the speeds we have thus far attained, and during a usual lifetime of 80 years.
Not, at least, without some new time travel technology which does not appear to be possible.
Not, at least, if things stay the same as they are today.
We are apparently very alone in our Universe.
Naturally, therefore, it could be said that based on the above (I know, I'm using endless qualifiers....but that's me.), the purpose of our lives (my life) must be defined by those limitations.
MCG (my creator god) seems to want me to direct my attentions HERE (on Earth, and maybe even inside me), and not THERE (outer space).
It's tough for me to describe any limitations at all. Because I'm filled with "what ifs." What if we COULD find a way to get to another Universe with another planet like Earth. THEN what would be the purpose of my life?
But as long as it SEEMS unlikely, perhaps my purpose is, in fact limited to THIS Universe, to THIS Solar System, to THIS Earth, to THIS Dimension, to THIS sphere of experience, to THIS body, to THIS mind, to THESE memory cells, to THESE atoms, and to anything else there might be on a continuingly inward trek.
Whew.
So then, once I've defined my atoms (perhaps), I realize once again that I am one being among billions, and quickly any high and glorious purpose of my life becomes diluted.
Unless, of course, every other being is a hologram (I used to call them all "paintings") designed to further my purpose. In that case, I and MCG and my life purpose ARE "high and glorious," since we are the ONLY beings involved in whatever this "process" might be.
*sigh*
I'm caught up again in all the trappings of what ifs, and perhapses, and possibilities. And that distracts and distorts my thinking about what, to put it as simply as I can, the PURPOSE OF MY LIFE really is.
*sigh* again.
******************
I came back to edit/add to my earlier musings (shown above, and left unedited)
Saturday morning, which this is, lends itself to additional musings, although I don't really know why it should, since I'm not obligated to be anywhere (such as a job or a church service) on any other morning.
But thoughts flood my brain (or SEEM to flood), and that in itself is a bit frustrating, since I don't have any way of capturing them and sorting them out and writing them down (if only for my own sake)..... so I have to make my way through the minutes of my writing/blog time, and try to recapture my important thoughts.
BTW, I'm also multi-tasking right now: Listening to NPR on my iPhone, and eating a sort of decadent breakfast (waffles with butter & syrup, under non-fat yogurt and frozen blueberries, 1/2 an orange, all washed down by water), all the time keeping an eye on my AOL IM indicators, in case Robert (Trebor) of Denver should pop up.
On NPR, they're interviewing a Spanish singer/song writer/poet who claims that "just now," she is emerging from the longest night of her life, which night has lasted her whole life. This and many other artists interviewed on NPR seems to be all about themselves.
This particular one says that she doesn't care if she sells only ONE record..... or a million. "MON OEIL." She is black, born in Spain, and a kind of gypsie. Now she's moved to Miami, and THAT is telling. People move to America to enjoy a better life, a freer life. And yet she says she does not have a sense of her purpose in life.
Hmmmmmm, I don't necessarily buy it.
She sounds like a black African woman singing Spanish music.
She at least has a passion. Unlike me.
Am I FIGHTING having a passion, so that I can say that I don't have one?
Yesterday, I met with a good friend Marty M, who is a therapist. He helped me at lot, at least it felt like that during our 1-2 hour lunch in Century City (Seasons 52 restaurant).
Dilemma: If I were to attempt to review my meeting with Marty, I know I'd get caught up in the details, perhaps becoming over-analytical, at the possible expense of focusing on the key core issues we discussed. So I don't want to even attempt it.
OTOH, if I DO NOT attempt to summarize & account for my Marty M meeting yesterday, I will likely "forget" (temporarily leave out of my conscious awareness) some or maybe even all of the key core issues.
Key core issues. Hmmmmmm.
NPR is discussing panspermia (i.e., we come from out of space), and the host asked what of a being a being who wonders what its purpose is.
Hmmmmmmm, again.
Meanwhile, let's go to a play and enjoy a movie. Last night, I saw "The World's End" with Andy Sacher. Then I went back to the TomKat theater and watched several other movies - all porn, and all titillating, yet unfulfilling. I didn't watch any of the 10 or so films there from beginning to end, having been "distracted" by the other "theatre patrons" who were there for sex, or at least to watch other people having sex.
In the wake of my Marty M meeting at lunch yesterday, I felt like I could go to the TomKat theater, and indulge in some guilt-free wanton sex. I didn't feel guilty being there. I went BEFORE meeting Andy for dinner/movie, and I went back AFTERwards, staying at the TomKat until past 1AM.
Saturday, August 31, 2013
Friday, August 30, 2013
6th POST - MORE WAITING TODAY, I SUPPOSE
Nevertheless, I am still waiting.
I'm PROACTIVELY waiting.
MORE waiting. *sigh.*
On Monday, I heard from Oracle (about the possibility of being hired as an account rep for them), and from Timpson Medical (about the possibility of funding, and therefore beginning the work as a BDM for David T, and therefore being paid some sum of money, which would alleviate the financial crisis in which I am finding myself these days).
But no.
No word from Oracle (for whom I'm not likely to work anyway, since I was 100% honest in my resume, my completion of their "chart" depicting my experience & past earnings).
And no word from Timpson (for whom I AM likely to work, although I don't know as yet exactly what I'd be doing, nor how much money I'd be making).
It's frustrating to be waiting. I AM tired by waiting, Mr. Kipling.
And depressed.
I sometimes think I should kick myself in the butt to "kickstart" my life again. And other times, I feel so depressed that I think kickstarting myself would fail anyway.
All through this, I've had the thought that things will work out somehow.
TRIP TO FRANCE? Marie is staying at Les Tertres for the month of September, and it would be a great time for me to go visit. But I have not the "Monet" to buy "Degas" - etc. So will the Universe provide that for me? Will a way open up for me to go to France next month?
Maybe. But probably not.
As I write, I'm impressed to think that no one will ever read all this, since it's depressing, rambling. The themes I "choose" as I begin get diluted by other "threads." So it's not something that could be beneficial, uplifting, rewarding or even interesting to other people, such that they'd read it regularly, or even once.
No comment(s).
*sigh*
Maybe today's the day I'll stop waiting.
I'm PROACTIVELY waiting.
MORE waiting. *sigh.*
On Monday, I heard from Oracle (about the possibility of being hired as an account rep for them), and from Timpson Medical (about the possibility of funding, and therefore beginning the work as a BDM for David T, and therefore being paid some sum of money, which would alleviate the financial crisis in which I am finding myself these days).
But no.
No word from Oracle (for whom I'm not likely to work anyway, since I was 100% honest in my resume, my completion of their "chart" depicting my experience & past earnings).
And no word from Timpson (for whom I AM likely to work, although I don't know as yet exactly what I'd be doing, nor how much money I'd be making).
It's frustrating to be waiting. I AM tired by waiting, Mr. Kipling.
And depressed.
I sometimes think I should kick myself in the butt to "kickstart" my life again. And other times, I feel so depressed that I think kickstarting myself would fail anyway.
All through this, I've had the thought that things will work out somehow.
TRIP TO FRANCE? Marie is staying at Les Tertres for the month of September, and it would be a great time for me to go visit. But I have not the "Monet" to buy "Degas" - etc. So will the Universe provide that for me? Will a way open up for me to go to France next month?
Maybe. But probably not.
As I write, I'm impressed to think that no one will ever read all this, since it's depressing, rambling. The themes I "choose" as I begin get diluted by other "threads." So it's not something that could be beneficial, uplifting, rewarding or even interesting to other people, such that they'd read it regularly, or even once.
No comment(s).
*sigh*
Maybe today's the day I'll stop waiting.
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
1st MOBILE POST - WAITING
This is the first post I have ever made from my iPhone. I'm visiting Lisa and Rodney, Lyla and Eli in Rancho Santa Margarita. And I did not bring my laptop with me. So I am pleased to know that I can make a blog post from my iPhone.
I kind of figured that I could, but now I know for sure.
Feelings of de pression are still with me today, but it is always helpful to be around my grandchildren, who are in a very different space, and who have needs, which I can provide for them. So that makes me feel better.
Last night, Lisa came home late, and explained how she had mixed up several things, and even though she did, she was spontaneous about how things went. I am really glad for that. Because when I was younger, it was very difficult for me to just "let go" and be myself.
So, today is a new day. I have meditated and will now do some breathing exercises, and hopefully do more of my routine. That also usually makes me feel better.
Today, I could very well receive word from 1) Oracle, and 2) Timpson medical. Both are possibly life-changing bits of news. But they also very well could not come today at all. So, I am waiting, as usual.
Kipling said, "if you can wait, and not be tired by waiting… Then you'll be man, my son."
I have never liked waiting. However, I do it better now than I used to, in general.
*sigh*
I kind of figured that I could, but now I know for sure.
Feelings of de pression are still with me today, but it is always helpful to be around my grandchildren, who are in a very different space, and who have needs, which I can provide for them. So that makes me feel better.
Last night, Lisa came home late, and explained how she had mixed up several things, and even though she did, she was spontaneous about how things went. I am really glad for that. Because when I was younger, it was very difficult for me to just "let go" and be myself.
So, today is a new day. I have meditated and will now do some breathing exercises, and hopefully do more of my routine. That also usually makes me feel better.
Today, I could very well receive word from 1) Oracle, and 2) Timpson medical. Both are possibly life-changing bits of news. But they also very well could not come today at all. So, I am waiting, as usual.
Kipling said, "if you can wait, and not be tired by waiting… Then you'll be man, my son."
I have never liked waiting. However, I do it better now than I used to, in general.
*sigh*
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
Post 5.75 KEY PEOPLE WHO HAVE DIED
Randomly thought of, these people were (are?) supportive of me as a gay man; they have died:
Frank White (Saturday's Warrior)
Sally (Janice) Stephens (mission)
Kerry Arbon (mission)
Rance Searle (friend of friend)
Kathleen T. Phillips (sister)
Millie (Michelle) Barnes (sister)
Thomas A. Taylor (brother)
Robert N. Taylor (brother)
Carolyn Myler (mission - bubble glass world)
I know there are more; I wish I could think of them all as I'm typing this. I'll add them as I recall them.
These are people I'd have liked to sit down with and talk to about homosexuality, Mormonism, and my life. But no, they had to go and die before I could talk to them.
(maybe) Corrinne Chislett (Montreal High School girlfriend)
Here are some people to whom I'd like to talk, who are probably still living:
Marc Sylvan (mission)
Grayden Bridge (mission) - I approached him, but so far, he's refused to discuss either issue beyond stating that I'm wrong and he's right.
Donald Barber (mission)
Tom Whitney (mission)
Mike Wilcox (mission)
David Jones (mission)
Glen Park (mission)
Lance Hammond (mission)
Post 5.5 WHY I LEFT MORMONISM
Inspired by a YouTube video which features Richard Dutcher (anti-Mormon film maker) explaining how it feels to leave the Mormon Church, I want to make a public statement about my status in the wake of being excommunicated from the Utah LD$ Church:
I was born male, 8th child and 5th son of Ancel Newell and Virginia Borg Taylor, on July 10, 1950, sometime after 11PM, at The Doctors Hospital on "I" street in downtown Washington, DC. About 3 years later, they had their 4th daughter and last child.
Soon after my birth, I was circumcised. Many years later I found out that my father was not. I'd be interested to know why they decided to have all their sons circumcised.
Eventually, I realized that our family was Mormon, and when I asked questions, I was told by parents and/or siblings that it was the only true church on the earth. So eventually, I concluded that most of my friends (in my Maryland neighborhood) belonged to the wrong churches. Much later, I learned that the Mormon doctrine labeled all of these "other churches" as "of the devil" or at the very least, "anti-Mormon."
I bought it without question. After all, my father and older siblings all believed it. Even Tom, the "black sheep" of our family, went to the Mormon temple to get married. I idolized Tom, but when it came to religion, I parted ways, since I believed so strongly in Mormonism.
But also eventually, I realized that I was different from other boys & girls near my age (between 5 and 11 years). They were attracted to the opposite sex (or so it seemed), and I was attracted to other boys. Not sexually, yet, of course. Although, who knows how to describe sexual attraction at that age? - Maybe it WAS sexual. But I don't remember it being such until the few years before I reached puberty.
Richard Zierdt and I sort of "explored" each other, and we obviously had erections, since we used to refer to our penises as "cannons." I was probably 8 or 9 or 10 then.
(I told you - you who are reading this - that it would be 100% uncensored, so please don't be offended at my frank descriptions. Or at least try not to, so you can see the bigger picture. Thanks.)
Anyway, I stayed with my fixation on my "cannon" and quickly realized that I should not discuss this with anyone in my family, especially my parents, who seemed to be strict and stern and conservative. At least, looking back, that's what I think they were trying to be. Later, I would find out that in many ways, they were quite liberal.
So. Fast forward to about 1985, when I met a man who lived in Eastern Utah, a man named Rance Searle (he's since died). He and I had a homosexual liason, although I was, at the time, married and feeling quite guilty about my gay activities, even the ones that were just talking to a new friend. He introduced to me the idea that the LD$ church might NOT be the only true church on the Earth.
Now, those of you who know me, know that by this time in my life, I'd already lived in several foreign countries where most had not even HEARD about Mormonism. And I'd already served a mission in France, where no only did most not know about Mormonism, but also, those who DID know were generally hostile to the idea of our bringing them a "new American religion" to replace whatever they might have hitherto believed. ("hitherto" - :) works well in that sentence.)
So why now, would Lance Searle have had such a strong effect on my beliefs about Mormonism? Was it because he was gay, and I was looking for a "way out" of the guilt?
No.
Was it because I had just never taken the time to focus on the reality of what my beliefs were at the time, and whether or not they were valid?
Yes.
But those who know the next chapters of my life history will likely conclude that it WAS, in fact, because I was gay, and wanted a "way out."
They are wrong.
Of course, I struggled with BOTH issues, and the gay friend (Lance) was the catalyst. But he helped me, or at least introduced me, to examine(ing) my true beliefs. From that time, and for about 2 years, I conducted a serious investigation of Mormonism.
Lance had told me that there were at least EIGHT versions of Joseph Smith's "First Vision" and that they all did not agree in detail or even in general. I was both appalled and relieved.
Appalled that I had never known about the 8+ versions, and relieved that perhaps IF the LD$ church were NOT true, then I was "relieved" of all the guilt I had felt.
So, my investigation, which included interviews with Charles Didier (my former Mission President, and by then a General Authority) and several others, led me out of the church. I specifically did NOT tell them anything about the homosexual aspects of my life. I did not want the two issues to mix.
And, because of my sincere & honest investigation of the LD$ church (which investigation included sincere and honest prayer about whether I might be being misled by leaving), I left Mormonism spiritually, and later physically ("physically" meaning that I no longer attended any meetings).
Not long after that, I left my wife. When I did that, she "reported" me to the Bishop and the Stake President. And not long after that, he excommunicated me, when I refused to meet with him to answer to the allegations that my wife had leveled against me with regard to being gay.
So, the HISTORY is sort of mixed. It's easy to think I left Mormonism because I'm gay. Well, I have to say, that had I NOT been gay, I MIGHT still be active in the LD$ church, and even possibly married.
But to me, it's very clear. I left Mormonism because it is a fraud. It is based on lies and the continuation of those lies which have become "truth" to many, including my own children.
I'd like to convince them of a truth, and that is, that the church they belong to is not true. It's good in a few ways, but it's a brainwashing, child abusive, arrogant cult, too. And my heart's desire is for them, and also for all my other relatives (even my ex-wife) to wake up to that truth.
*sigh*
I was born male, 8th child and 5th son of Ancel Newell and Virginia Borg Taylor, on July 10, 1950, sometime after 11PM, at The Doctors Hospital on "I" street in downtown Washington, DC. About 3 years later, they had their 4th daughter and last child.
Soon after my birth, I was circumcised. Many years later I found out that my father was not. I'd be interested to know why they decided to have all their sons circumcised.
Eventually, I realized that our family was Mormon, and when I asked questions, I was told by parents and/or siblings that it was the only true church on the earth. So eventually, I concluded that most of my friends (in my Maryland neighborhood) belonged to the wrong churches. Much later, I learned that the Mormon doctrine labeled all of these "other churches" as "of the devil" or at the very least, "anti-Mormon."
I bought it without question. After all, my father and older siblings all believed it. Even Tom, the "black sheep" of our family, went to the Mormon temple to get married. I idolized Tom, but when it came to religion, I parted ways, since I believed so strongly in Mormonism.
But also eventually, I realized that I was different from other boys & girls near my age (between 5 and 11 years). They were attracted to the opposite sex (or so it seemed), and I was attracted to other boys. Not sexually, yet, of course. Although, who knows how to describe sexual attraction at that age? - Maybe it WAS sexual. But I don't remember it being such until the few years before I reached puberty.
Richard Zierdt and I sort of "explored" each other, and we obviously had erections, since we used to refer to our penises as "cannons." I was probably 8 or 9 or 10 then.
(I told you - you who are reading this - that it would be 100% uncensored, so please don't be offended at my frank descriptions. Or at least try not to, so you can see the bigger picture. Thanks.)
Anyway, I stayed with my fixation on my "cannon" and quickly realized that I should not discuss this with anyone in my family, especially my parents, who seemed to be strict and stern and conservative. At least, looking back, that's what I think they were trying to be. Later, I would find out that in many ways, they were quite liberal.
So. Fast forward to about 1985, when I met a man who lived in Eastern Utah, a man named Rance Searle (he's since died). He and I had a homosexual liason, although I was, at the time, married and feeling quite guilty about my gay activities, even the ones that were just talking to a new friend. He introduced to me the idea that the LD$ church might NOT be the only true church on the Earth.
Now, those of you who know me, know that by this time in my life, I'd already lived in several foreign countries where most had not even HEARD about Mormonism. And I'd already served a mission in France, where no only did most not know about Mormonism, but also, those who DID know were generally hostile to the idea of our bringing them a "new American religion" to replace whatever they might have hitherto believed. ("hitherto" - :) works well in that sentence.)
So why now, would Lance Searle have had such a strong effect on my beliefs about Mormonism? Was it because he was gay, and I was looking for a "way out" of the guilt?
No.
Was it because I had just never taken the time to focus on the reality of what my beliefs were at the time, and whether or not they were valid?
Yes.
But those who know the next chapters of my life history will likely conclude that it WAS, in fact, because I was gay, and wanted a "way out."
They are wrong.
Of course, I struggled with BOTH issues, and the gay friend (Lance) was the catalyst. But he helped me, or at least introduced me, to examine(ing) my true beliefs. From that time, and for about 2 years, I conducted a serious investigation of Mormonism.
Lance had told me that there were at least EIGHT versions of Joseph Smith's "First Vision" and that they all did not agree in detail or even in general. I was both appalled and relieved.
Appalled that I had never known about the 8+ versions, and relieved that perhaps IF the LD$ church were NOT true, then I was "relieved" of all the guilt I had felt.
So, my investigation, which included interviews with Charles Didier (my former Mission President, and by then a General Authority) and several others, led me out of the church. I specifically did NOT tell them anything about the homosexual aspects of my life. I did not want the two issues to mix.
And, because of my sincere & honest investigation of the LD$ church (which investigation included sincere and honest prayer about whether I might be being misled by leaving), I left Mormonism spiritually, and later physically ("physically" meaning that I no longer attended any meetings).
Not long after that, I left my wife. When I did that, she "reported" me to the Bishop and the Stake President. And not long after that, he excommunicated me, when I refused to meet with him to answer to the allegations that my wife had leveled against me with regard to being gay.
So, the HISTORY is sort of mixed. It's easy to think I left Mormonism because I'm gay. Well, I have to say, that had I NOT been gay, I MIGHT still be active in the LD$ church, and even possibly married.
But to me, it's very clear. I left Mormonism because it is a fraud. It is based on lies and the continuation of those lies which have become "truth" to many, including my own children.
I'd like to convince them of a truth, and that is, that the church they belong to is not true. It's good in a few ways, but it's a brainwashing, child abusive, arrogant cult, too. And my heart's desire is for them, and also for all my other relatives (even my ex-wife) to wake up to that truth.
*sigh*
5th Post - CREATOR GOD, UFOs, and ORACLE
So today, at 3:30 or so in the morning, I woke up and wondered about MCG (My Creator God) again, with nothing but unanswered questions. On the radio, Coast2Coast host George Noory was talking with a Brit (don't know his name, but remember his accent) who was explaining about his experiences with UFOs.
So, are they real? I'd like to know. What I DO know is that not one supernatural or alien entity has ever made itself known to me - as far as I am consciously aware.
That of course leaves open the possibility that aliens have abducted me, but made sure that I don't have any recollection of it, or evidence of it.
Memory. Like so many aspects of my life, it's very good, and very bad, all at the same time. What does that mean? I don't know.
Likely it is that many would reply something like "Everybody has that." Well, that may be. But then I follow up the thought with "I wonder to what degree my memory is bad (or good), in comparison to others' memories."
*sigh*
The sky outside is more colorful today. White clouds are floating by, some made goldenish by the sun, others still in shadows and appear cold gray, and both cloud colors appear in the same part of the sky. There is some aqua blue sky near the horizon, while some brighter, purer blue is the backdrop for the higher, goldenish clouds.
I've looked at clouds from this side mostly, and they are only visible on certain days. Today is one of those days. Usually at this time of morning (6:30) the sky appears uniformly light gray here in Winnetka, CA. So today, my mood is a bit lighter.
But I'm still struggling over the fact that I'm struggling. About that guy from Oracle. I answered his questions honestly, and that will likely kill any deal for me at Oracle. It's probably my way of saying "no" - in spite of the fact that I have a hard time saying "no" to anyone who is ever interested in associating with me. I said yes to DKM, to Guide Technologies, to Barry Weihmiller (sp?), and now to Oracle. Of course, they all said "no" to me later on.
But why, I ask myself today, didn't I evaluate the company, the people, the position..... and then decide for myself if I was suited to it? if I even WANTED it?
Answer: because I'm a guy who can't say "no." To almost anyone, or any opportunity. My "nature" (whether natural or developed - that's another question) is to take the opportunity when it comes to me. Almost whatEVER it might be.
I'm subconsciously imagining that the "cosmos" provided it, and I'd be stupid to pass it up. So I "go for it" as best I can. Until this time.
I AM going for it, but I'm doing so ..... HONESTLY. I'm saying, "Here I am, 100% honest Ken. I'm gay, I'm 63, I have a less than stellar sales performance history, and on that basis, do you still want me?" I'm also saying, "I'm somewhat experienced in XXXX (in the case of Oracle, PLM), I'm intelligent, I can learn the ropes quickly, I'm well-spoken."
But before that, I don't think I want to go back to corporate America. I want to work with the museum, and with Timpson Medical.
My guess is, Oracle will not want to even interview me. If they do, I'll agree to meet. But I WILL..... NOT.....LIE......TO......THEM. PERIOD. And by "lie" I mean stretch the truth about my work experience.
If they are really interested (and who knows? they might even read this)..... they'll accept me for who I am.
Writing the above made me feel a bit better. Going to have some waffles for breakfast now. With blueberries. :)
So, are they real? I'd like to know. What I DO know is that not one supernatural or alien entity has ever made itself known to me - as far as I am consciously aware.
That of course leaves open the possibility that aliens have abducted me, but made sure that I don't have any recollection of it, or evidence of it.
Memory. Like so many aspects of my life, it's very good, and very bad, all at the same time. What does that mean? I don't know.
Likely it is that many would reply something like "Everybody has that." Well, that may be. But then I follow up the thought with "I wonder to what degree my memory is bad (or good), in comparison to others' memories."
*sigh*
The sky outside is more colorful today. White clouds are floating by, some made goldenish by the sun, others still in shadows and appear cold gray, and both cloud colors appear in the same part of the sky. There is some aqua blue sky near the horizon, while some brighter, purer blue is the backdrop for the higher, goldenish clouds.
I've looked at clouds from this side mostly, and they are only visible on certain days. Today is one of those days. Usually at this time of morning (6:30) the sky appears uniformly light gray here in Winnetka, CA. So today, my mood is a bit lighter.
But I'm still struggling over the fact that I'm struggling. About that guy from Oracle. I answered his questions honestly, and that will likely kill any deal for me at Oracle. It's probably my way of saying "no" - in spite of the fact that I have a hard time saying "no" to anyone who is ever interested in associating with me. I said yes to DKM, to Guide Technologies, to Barry Weihmiller (sp?), and now to Oracle. Of course, they all said "no" to me later on.
But why, I ask myself today, didn't I evaluate the company, the people, the position..... and then decide for myself if I was suited to it? if I even WANTED it?
Answer: because I'm a guy who can't say "no." To almost anyone, or any opportunity. My "nature" (whether natural or developed - that's another question) is to take the opportunity when it comes to me. Almost whatEVER it might be.
I'm subconsciously imagining that the "cosmos" provided it, and I'd be stupid to pass it up. So I "go for it" as best I can. Until this time.
I AM going for it, but I'm doing so ..... HONESTLY. I'm saying, "Here I am, 100% honest Ken. I'm gay, I'm 63, I have a less than stellar sales performance history, and on that basis, do you still want me?" I'm also saying, "I'm somewhat experienced in XXXX (in the case of Oracle, PLM), I'm intelligent, I can learn the ropes quickly, I'm well-spoken."
But before that, I don't think I want to go back to corporate America. I want to work with the museum, and with Timpson Medical.
My guess is, Oracle will not want to even interview me. If they do, I'll agree to meet. But I WILL..... NOT.....LIE......TO......THEM. PERIOD. And by "lie" I mean stretch the truth about my work experience.
If they are really interested (and who knows? they might even read this)..... they'll accept me for who I am.
Writing the above made me feel a bit better. Going to have some waffles for breakfast now. With blueberries. :)
Monday, August 26, 2013
4th Post - MY CREATOR GOD (MCG)
Last night, I watched TV downstairs. Time Warner was still bickering with CBS, so I couldn't watch 60 Minutes, and tonight I'll miss "Under the Dome" again. Thanks a LOT, TW! I should ask for a refund.
But I switched channels to 47, Comedy Channel, and watched a few episodes of Futurama. I've never really focused on that show, but last night I got to know a few of the characters. At one point, they discovered a parallel universe, which all boiled down to flipping coins. Arbitrary decision making. I'm not sure if it was the same episode, but one of them went off to another galaxy and apparently it was where God lived.
Well, the interaction between the character and God was memorable, in that he asked God who he was, what he was, where he was, etc. For the purpose of the show, I suppose, he was able to talk to God, but not see him. When he asked a question like "What are you?" God would answer with another question (or some such).... IOW, God was evasive. If he asked "Are you XXXXX" God would answer "That could be" or "I might be" or "That's a good idea" --- etc.
Frustrating to me. I've been in a one-way conversation with my creator/God (MCG) for years. If MCG is listening, he/she/it (HSI) isn't bothering to reply directly or clearly to me.
Frustrating. I'm 60+ now, and I can't expect to live more than about another 30 years (I choose 30, given my fairly good health, the usual older-age medical problems that might set in, continuing advances in modern medicine, the risks I take driving and elsewhere).
During those (possible) 30 years remaining, I'd REALLY like to know why I'm here on this planet.
IF I could know that, I'd be better able to proceed down a path that is productive and meaningful. But I don't consciously know that.
The prospect of asking for another 30 years the same question, and not getting any kind of real answer seems wasteful, and bleak, and uninteresting.
WHY didn't I just go down a path? WHY DON'T I go down one now? I keep my current perspective at the expense of doing something.
My lament: I never got enough of a "bug" about anything to intensively pursue it.
Poor me. Well, I keep waking up, day after day, and I realize that I'm one day older, one day closer to a transition to something else (or to nothing?). I'm not an atheist.
One day, my then LDS missionary companion expounded on an idea he was taught by someone else. It was basically that whatEVER we believe during this life, that's what will "be" in the next life. So, if a Catholic believed H/S would go to heaven and be an angel with a harp, then that's what would happen. If H/S believed that H/S would go to hell and burn, that's what would happen.
So, IF that were true, then an atheist would dissolve into nothing when H/S dies. And a TBM would go to one of 3 heavens.
ETC, ETC, ETC.
Interesting idea. But I have no way of knowing that, either.
*sigh*
In "The Thornbirds" a woman asks a Catholic priest if he ever had any indication that God existed, and he answers simply, "No." When I read that, I asked myself ... how it could be that a PRIEST would not ever have any convincing experience that God existed, and still continue being a priest???
At least "I" don't do that. When I realized there was a doubt and a question about God, I "backed up" until I got to a place where I am comfortable with my personal honesty. I know I'm alive, that I wake up from sleep/death every day, and things seem to be relatively the same.
So I begin each day with a meditation/prayer to MCG, and I ask H/H/I why I'm here on this planet at this time/dimension.
And so far, I don't get an answer that I can honestly say is an actual answer from MCG.
Who else can I turn to?
But I switched channels to 47, Comedy Channel, and watched a few episodes of Futurama. I've never really focused on that show, but last night I got to know a few of the characters. At one point, they discovered a parallel universe, which all boiled down to flipping coins. Arbitrary decision making. I'm not sure if it was the same episode, but one of them went off to another galaxy and apparently it was where God lived.
Well, the interaction between the character and God was memorable, in that he asked God who he was, what he was, where he was, etc. For the purpose of the show, I suppose, he was able to talk to God, but not see him. When he asked a question like "What are you?" God would answer with another question (or some such).... IOW, God was evasive. If he asked "Are you XXXXX" God would answer "That could be" or "I might be" or "That's a good idea" --- etc.
Frustrating to me. I've been in a one-way conversation with my creator/God (MCG) for years. If MCG is listening, he/she/it (HSI) isn't bothering to reply directly or clearly to me.
Frustrating. I'm 60+ now, and I can't expect to live more than about another 30 years (I choose 30, given my fairly good health, the usual older-age medical problems that might set in, continuing advances in modern medicine, the risks I take driving and elsewhere).
During those (possible) 30 years remaining, I'd REALLY like to know why I'm here on this planet.
IF I could know that, I'd be better able to proceed down a path that is productive and meaningful. But I don't consciously know that.
The prospect of asking for another 30 years the same question, and not getting any kind of real answer seems wasteful, and bleak, and uninteresting.
WHY didn't I just go down a path? WHY DON'T I go down one now? I keep my current perspective at the expense of doing something.
My lament: I never got enough of a "bug" about anything to intensively pursue it.
Poor me. Well, I keep waking up, day after day, and I realize that I'm one day older, one day closer to a transition to something else (or to nothing?). I'm not an atheist.
One day, my then LDS missionary companion expounded on an idea he was taught by someone else. It was basically that whatEVER we believe during this life, that's what will "be" in the next life. So, if a Catholic believed H/S would go to heaven and be an angel with a harp, then that's what would happen. If H/S believed that H/S would go to hell and burn, that's what would happen.
So, IF that were true, then an atheist would dissolve into nothing when H/S dies. And a TBM would go to one of 3 heavens.
ETC, ETC, ETC.
Interesting idea. But I have no way of knowing that, either.
*sigh*
In "The Thornbirds" a woman asks a Catholic priest if he ever had any indication that God existed, and he answers simply, "No." When I read that, I asked myself ... how it could be that a PRIEST would not ever have any convincing experience that God existed, and still continue being a priest???
At least "I" don't do that. When I realized there was a doubt and a question about God, I "backed up" until I got to a place where I am comfortable with my personal honesty. I know I'm alive, that I wake up from sleep/death every day, and things seem to be relatively the same.
So I begin each day with a meditation/prayer to MCG, and I ask H/H/I why I'm here on this planet at this time/dimension.
And so far, I don't get an answer that I can honestly say is an actual answer from MCG.
Who else can I turn to?
Saturday, August 24, 2013
3rd Post - I FORGET (*sigh*)
Drove home from American Fork, Utah, and I took 3 days (2 nights).
First night was in Richfield, UT, where Mom & Dad & Bob (brother) and Dean (aunt) are buried side by side. I didn't look at the information board - I just walked to where I thought they were buried based on my memory. I was close. I looked in Plat A, but they're in Plat B. I'll remember next time - "B" - Borg, which is Mom's maiden name.
Maybe I should call myself "Kenneth Ronald Borg-Taylor" - or would it be "Kenneth Ronald Taylor-Borg?" Who knows?
KeRoBoTa. KeRoTaBo.
So anyway, as I was meditating this morning (or was it last night?), I thought about my relationship with my creator. And I contemplated the mystery of my purpose here on Earth.
BUT I ALREADY FORGOT WHAT MY THOUGHTS WERE!!!!! I really do HATE my inability to recall things which I think are important at will.
*sigh*
Anyway, it was a clever phrase, having to do with something about my life, and I thought it could apply to everyone else's lives, too.
Dammit. It's not age. I've always been this way. The difference now is that it seems more and more frustrating with each passing day/week/year.... since I might have to check out soon, and I'd like to at least leave something worthwhile behind, if only a clever phrase.
Meanwhile, I got up and did my routine. It's all I can really say that is consistent about my life. But even THAT might be compromised to some degree, since my knee appears to be a) injured, b) arthritic, or c) acting up for an unknown reason. So no more lotus position for a while, since I can't bend my knee all the way "in." Left knee seems to be fine.
David (my doc) told me to "stay off my knee" for about 3-6 weeks, which would mean until Sept 15-Oct 7.
What a trip!
(I really do wish I could recall that phrase I "had" yesterday. Maybe it'll come back to me, and if it does, I'll record it in my iPhone.)
First night was in Richfield, UT, where Mom & Dad & Bob (brother) and Dean (aunt) are buried side by side. I didn't look at the information board - I just walked to where I thought they were buried based on my memory. I was close. I looked in Plat A, but they're in Plat B. I'll remember next time - "B" - Borg, which is Mom's maiden name.
Maybe I should call myself "Kenneth Ronald Borg-Taylor" - or would it be "Kenneth Ronald Taylor-Borg?" Who knows?
KeRoBoTa. KeRoTaBo.
So anyway, as I was meditating this morning (or was it last night?), I thought about my relationship with my creator. And I contemplated the mystery of my purpose here on Earth.
BUT I ALREADY FORGOT WHAT MY THOUGHTS WERE!!!!! I really do HATE my inability to recall things which I think are important at will.
*sigh*
Anyway, it was a clever phrase, having to do with something about my life, and I thought it could apply to everyone else's lives, too.
Dammit. It's not age. I've always been this way. The difference now is that it seems more and more frustrating with each passing day/week/year.... since I might have to check out soon, and I'd like to at least leave something worthwhile behind, if only a clever phrase.
Meanwhile, I got up and did my routine. It's all I can really say that is consistent about my life. But even THAT might be compromised to some degree, since my knee appears to be a) injured, b) arthritic, or c) acting up for an unknown reason. So no more lotus position for a while, since I can't bend my knee all the way "in." Left knee seems to be fine.
David (my doc) told me to "stay off my knee" for about 3-6 weeks, which would mean until Sept 15-Oct 7.
What a trip!
(I really do wish I could recall that phrase I "had" yesterday. Maybe it'll come back to me, and if it does, I'll record it in my iPhone.)
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
2nd Post - ELLIOT. CHURCH. FOR NOW....
So, having posted once thus far - yesterday - I now know that the day & date are automatically posted for each new post. So, I'm abandoning my practice of using the "201308XX" format for each post. It doesn't seem necessary now.
I woke up early today; I'm staying with Joe & Chrissy & clan in American Fork Utah, while they adjust to their new baby Oliver. I'm sleeping in Elliot's room on the single bed while he sleeps in his crib. I sang/YouTubed him to sleep last night (Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star," and "Rockabye Baby," along with my humming). He did not go to sleep until I stopped playing the videos. He protested mildly when his milk bottle was empty.
This morning, I was already awake when he woke up, and he apparently has the habit of crying immediately. I sort of "headed him off at the pass" and began talking to him while staying on my bed. He stopped crying quickly and talked back. He actually talked in his happy voice and didn't get upset about being in his crib. Eventually I lifted him out and we changed into daytime clothes.
My battery is not doing all that well so I have to plug this in.
There we go. (I'm spending a lot of time with kids under 6, so my writing might sound like how I talk to them.)
This will not be a post about what happened yesterday, unless it's perhaps germane to my topic. But then, what IS my topic? I won't know until I'm typing, I think.
At any rate, I want to put down some ideas about creativity in kids, about religion, about career, about relationships, about finances. And a bazillion other things.
When lying in bed last night, I had some pretty important thoughts about my life. But right now, they aren't coming to mind. "Always the way, right?" Wrong. SOMETIMES the way, but seems like always.
In reading exmormon.org fairly regularly, I become aware of many ideas about religion & truth. I posted last night from my phone, adding to someone's list of the 10 best things about NOT being Mormon, the statement, "No brainwashing. The truth really DID set me free."
Joe was offended when I sent him a picture of Elliot with his face in his (straw) hat, with the caption "Following the Prophet." He said later that the way the Book of Mormon came about is sacred to him, and he didn't appreciate my making fun of it. I can see that. And I did apologize to him.
BUT THE MORMON CHURCH IS A FRAUD. It's based on lies, cover ups, deceptions. I YEARN to convey what I know to Joe & Lisa and their families. I want to be ready for when they begin to question their beliefs, with a calm & rational support on how they can transition out of Mormonism. IF they ever do.
It is such a travesty that they're spending so much of their time, energy and money on a fraudulent "church." I was trapped in it, so I know what they're thinking and how they're (not) thinking. And I have to fight to respect that mentality, all the while knowing it's a lie.
If I were still at TBM (true believing Mormon), I might have the same response as Joe does. He's told me in times past that he is troubled by certain things, but that he loves the church, so he's staying in it. I really do hope he and Lisa will wake up and begin to question their beliefs, which I know to be false and based on a deception that makes a few controlling leaders powerful and rich.
*sigh*
So for now, I'm "dropping" that issue, but it's on a back burner. For now, I'm loving being a grandpa, and taking care of the little ones. It was gratifying to hear that Chrissy told Joe she didn't know how she would have managed things yesterday if it weren't for me.
For now, I'm keeping my opinions about LD$, Inc. to myself.
Unless, of course, anyone ever reads this. Then you'll know how I feel.
I'm now off to visit my best friend, David, who suggests we possibly take a hike or a drive in a canyon, or possibly take a ketermine trip. If I do that, it wouldn't be a good idea to drive back to LA right away, so I've delayed my departure until Wednesday. No hurry. I like that part of my life right now.
But I DON'T like not having any money. More on that later.
I woke up early today; I'm staying with Joe & Chrissy & clan in American Fork Utah, while they adjust to their new baby Oliver. I'm sleeping in Elliot's room on the single bed while he sleeps in his crib. I sang/YouTubed him to sleep last night (Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star," and "Rockabye Baby," along with my humming). He did not go to sleep until I stopped playing the videos. He protested mildly when his milk bottle was empty.
This morning, I was already awake when he woke up, and he apparently has the habit of crying immediately. I sort of "headed him off at the pass" and began talking to him while staying on my bed. He stopped crying quickly and talked back. He actually talked in his happy voice and didn't get upset about being in his crib. Eventually I lifted him out and we changed into daytime clothes.
My battery is not doing all that well so I have to plug this in.
There we go. (I'm spending a lot of time with kids under 6, so my writing might sound like how I talk to them.)
This will not be a post about what happened yesterday, unless it's perhaps germane to my topic. But then, what IS my topic? I won't know until I'm typing, I think.
At any rate, I want to put down some ideas about creativity in kids, about religion, about career, about relationships, about finances. And a bazillion other things.
When lying in bed last night, I had some pretty important thoughts about my life. But right now, they aren't coming to mind. "Always the way, right?" Wrong. SOMETIMES the way, but seems like always.
In reading exmormon.org fairly regularly, I become aware of many ideas about religion & truth. I posted last night from my phone, adding to someone's list of the 10 best things about NOT being Mormon, the statement, "No brainwashing. The truth really DID set me free."
Joe was offended when I sent him a picture of Elliot with his face in his (straw) hat, with the caption "Following the Prophet." He said later that the way the Book of Mormon came about is sacred to him, and he didn't appreciate my making fun of it. I can see that. And I did apologize to him.
BUT THE MORMON CHURCH IS A FRAUD. It's based on lies, cover ups, deceptions. I YEARN to convey what I know to Joe & Lisa and their families. I want to be ready for when they begin to question their beliefs, with a calm & rational support on how they can transition out of Mormonism. IF they ever do.
It is such a travesty that they're spending so much of their time, energy and money on a fraudulent "church." I was trapped in it, so I know what they're thinking and how they're (not) thinking. And I have to fight to respect that mentality, all the while knowing it's a lie.
If I were still at TBM (true believing Mormon), I might have the same response as Joe does. He's told me in times past that he is troubled by certain things, but that he loves the church, so he's staying in it. I really do hope he and Lisa will wake up and begin to question their beliefs, which I know to be false and based on a deception that makes a few controlling leaders powerful and rich.
*sigh*
So for now, I'm "dropping" that issue, but it's on a back burner. For now, I'm loving being a grandpa, and taking care of the little ones. It was gratifying to hear that Chrissy told Joe she didn't know how she would have managed things yesterday if it weren't for me.
For now, I'm keeping my opinions about LD$, Inc. to myself.
Unless, of course, anyone ever reads this. Then you'll know how I feel.
I'm now off to visit my best friend, David, who suggests we possibly take a hike or a drive in a canyon, or possibly take a ketermine trip. If I do that, it wouldn't be a good idea to drive back to LA right away, so I've delayed my departure until Wednesday. No hurry. I like that part of my life right now.
But I DON'T like not having any money. More on that later.
Monday, August 19, 2013
1st Post - BLOG NAME & DATE
20130819
So I finally decided to start a blog.
Fair warning - UNCENSORED BLOG.
As of today, I'm a single gay man, excommunicated Mormon, a dad & granddad, and if you don't want to know how I REALLY feel and think about things, stop now. This will be uncensored, no exceptions.
The NAME of my blog was going to be "KEROTA" since my name is KEnneth ROnald TAylor. But some stupid Asian "entity" got it first. So I added the "Y" and it's now www.kerotay.blogspot.com.
You'll have to know me to find this.
The posts I make will be dated. The date listed is the date I wrote the post. When I was working for Burns International, many years ago, computers were introduced. I was working on a list of prospects, and found that I needed to list them according to date. The logic of my software then dictated that the earliest entry would have to begin with the year, then the month, and then the day, for everything to be in chronological order. So, my entries back then began with "198X" and then the 2-digits for the month, followed by the two digits for the day.
Since I started that, it seems to me that I've only seen any other listing like it one time. And now, with more advanced software technology, you can almost sort things in any way you like. But for me, it's a habit to use "20130819" which is today's date. If I type it in, rather than letting the computer fill it in automatically, it helps me identify the date after that. Today's the 19th. I've typed it twice above.
If I stop and start again later on the same day, I'll add "later that day" or the specific time.
Who cares, anyway? I guess only I do.
Today I was prompted to start my "musings" blog because I have a lot of ideas floating around in my head, but I wanted to record them.
It's nice to know I can write whatever I want.
Perhaps this is a result of a desire to get to know the real me, and to let some other people know the real me. My kids likely will be a bit (or a lot) surprised at some of the things I write. They might also not even read it due to the warning above. But if they do, I hope they'll recognize it for what it is - and I'm not even sure WHAT it is. But it's certainly not an attempt influence them in any positive or negative way.
It's a blog about Kenneth Ronald Taylor. Period.
My background in languages & my penchant to be "correct" and "precise" and "detailed" and "analytical" will likely result in slower typing, since I can see the result, and I'll want it to make sense for me, and for whoever else might read it.
But if I feel the need to go back to an earlier post and change something, I'm planning on noting the change while leaving the original in tact. It just feels right to do that.
Now I'm going outside to kick 4 large rubber balls with my grandson Elliot. End of post for now.
So I finally decided to start a blog.
Fair warning - UNCENSORED BLOG.
As of today, I'm a single gay man, excommunicated Mormon, a dad & granddad, and if you don't want to know how I REALLY feel and think about things, stop now. This will be uncensored, no exceptions.
The NAME of my blog was going to be "KEROTA" since my name is KEnneth ROnald TAylor. But some stupid Asian "entity" got it first. So I added the "Y" and it's now www.kerotay.blogspot.com.
You'll have to know me to find this.
The posts I make will be dated. The date listed is the date I wrote the post. When I was working for Burns International, many years ago, computers were introduced. I was working on a list of prospects, and found that I needed to list them according to date. The logic of my software then dictated that the earliest entry would have to begin with the year, then the month, and then the day, for everything to be in chronological order. So, my entries back then began with "198X" and then the 2-digits for the month, followed by the two digits for the day.
Since I started that, it seems to me that I've only seen any other listing like it one time. And now, with more advanced software technology, you can almost sort things in any way you like. But for me, it's a habit to use "20130819" which is today's date. If I type it in, rather than letting the computer fill it in automatically, it helps me identify the date after that. Today's the 19th. I've typed it twice above.
If I stop and start again later on the same day, I'll add "later that day" or the specific time.
Who cares, anyway? I guess only I do.
Today I was prompted to start my "musings" blog because I have a lot of ideas floating around in my head, but I wanted to record them.
It's nice to know I can write whatever I want.
Perhaps this is a result of a desire to get to know the real me, and to let some other people know the real me. My kids likely will be a bit (or a lot) surprised at some of the things I write. They might also not even read it due to the warning above. But if they do, I hope they'll recognize it for what it is - and I'm not even sure WHAT it is. But it's certainly not an attempt influence them in any positive or negative way.
It's a blog about Kenneth Ronald Taylor. Period.
My background in languages & my penchant to be "correct" and "precise" and "detailed" and "analytical" will likely result in slower typing, since I can see the result, and I'll want it to make sense for me, and for whoever else might read it.
But if I feel the need to go back to an earlier post and change something, I'm planning on noting the change while leaving the original in tact. It just feels right to do that.
Now I'm going outside to kick 4 large rubber balls with my grandson Elliot. End of post for now.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)