MUSINGS ON SATURDAY NIGHT

Watching CNN Heroes, I'm inspired to do something for those less fortunate.  What, I'm not sure.  But I sort of so it now, by working with Dr. Pruitt, and helping people who have little hope for anything good or better in their lives.... and our visits are often the thing that brings a smile to their faces - some of them, anyway.

I'm so very tired of waiting for David's call.  When it comes, it will change my life.  And I'll be able to do MUCH MORE to help those less fortunate.  I won't be rich, but I could very well be "well off" and able to focus on the final phase of my professional career.

So when, day after day, I get no call, and every week or so, I get emails saying that it's "just around the corner," I get quite discouraged.

No, I'm not like those being helped on CNN Heros, and I'm not like Dr. Pruitt's patients.  But I'm struggling with significant debt.

I'm also battling the diet/exercise cycle - i.e., I'm not doing regular exercises, and I'm deating less health-ily. Today I ate better, but still no exercise.  I blame it on depression over the above issues.  I've noticed regular knee pain in my left knee - seems to be worse in the mornings, or any time after a period of inactivity.

I wish I could go visit my friends in Northern California, Tennessee, DC, Scotland, France..... I'm VERY worried about no word from Eric Lefrandt.... He said last Spring that he was close to death, but then soon afterwards they moved to Scotland.... I heard from him a few times, and then..... nothing.  I'm fearing the worst.  If that's what's happened, I wish Arno would contact me.

So, on I go.  Not exercising, not reading, listening to podcasts, working part-time, visiting the kids & grandkids when I'm needed/when I can afford it (a trip to SLC).... on and on.

I wonder how long my health will hold out for this kind of life.

THE CYCLE OF HOPE <--> DEPRESSION

How do I cope with feelings that result from events outside my control?

They are not outside my FOCUS.  I'm focused on the remainder of my career.  I'm focused on what I'll be doing if/when David's call comes.  I'm choosing to focus on these.

But his call coming or not coming is outside my control.

So since it's been over 2 years, I can look back and see a pattern of swinging back and forth between hope and depression.

So now, I'm mostly in a hope mode.  David has said the deal is "DONE" - and this was not his word, but that of someone who is negotiating the deal.  As a result, the money was to begin flowing 5 days ago.  But it did not.

Since THEN, another email has been forwarded to me by David which indicates that initial funds will be distributed by mid-week next week (i.e., Wednesday, December 9th), and that they will be followed soon afterwards by the rest of the huge sums expected.

Sigh.

I dare believe, but I also have come to expect to continue vacillating between hope and depression.

Meanwhile, I'm trying to enjoy the holidays.  It's not easy.

THIS REALLY IS DEBILITATING

Still no word from David.

I don't know how to deal with this depression, except to pretend that it's just not "time" yet.

Aggggggggrrrrrrrrrhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Shit.