TODAY'S THE DAY, RIGHT?

Subtitle for this post:

PREGNANT with thoughts about PREGNANCY and a particular PHONE CALL

Lying in bed last night, and again this morning, I helplessly focused on:

* David's call, which I was told last week would come today.
* Lisa's baby, Ian Kenneth, which was due on June 18.
* Ross & Carrie's analysis of Scientology (9 podcast sessions!) which served mainly to distract me from obsessing on the two items above
* A fleeting thought that Dr. Pruitt had said I was "ready to conduct a group session" - I'm not sure he was serious, but if he was, I'm not too prepared.  I anticipate (if he says I should try it) that I will not measure up enough to make him feel confident enough to let me go ahead on my own.  IOW, I'm not ready.

So, today is pregnant with waiting for the call from David, and for the call from Lisa/Rodney.  And here I lie, filling the minutes with this post, and with thoughts that come to me - who knows why, how, or from where - about these issues above, and about countless others (e.g., Sagan's "A Demon Haunted World" which I have not yet completed.  In fact, I've started it several times, and have only reached about 20 pages.)

I'm so DAMN analytical!!  I wonder what the author means, and why s/he chose particular words, and then my eyes remind me I need help, so I try on several different pairs of glasses, and wonder if I'm doing the best thing by reading for any length of time with certain glasses..... etc.  And this makes me fatigued, and eventually sleepy, so I criticize myself for NOT having developed good reading habits, and here I am with a "library" of unread, but mostly partially-read books.  And then I wonder why, what it could mean....

As Bill Laursen said to me, "You're not dumb." - a phrase that has stuck with me.  If not dumb, WHAT, exactly am I?

I can figure out what words to use here, and I can express my thoughts fairly well, most of the time.

But then I'm led to wonder if those thoughts are really what is significant/meaningful/true for me..... or are they merely randomly "selected" by some dimension of my being..... or WHAT???

*sigh*

Meanwhile, back at REALITY:

I've been filling time with a combination of meaningful and meaningless activity, until David's call comes.... which I perceive (at least for now) will be....

The beginning of my REAL REASON FOR LIVING, as far as my career goes.

I spent decades in sales/management in security and software....... and collecting a paycheck for it.  But they were never my passion, or dream.... except for when I FORCED them to be.  (e.g., my affirmation when I worked for DKM:  "I, Ken Taylor, am a highly successful Syteline Software Sales Representative." and "People buy software from me.")

But all that was contrived.  It was based on what "came down the road" for me at the time, rather than a thoughtful selection of a fitting, appropriate and meaningful career activity.

So, now.......

I've thought about working with/for David, and yes, HIS OFFER also "came down the road" and it was not the result of a thoughtful selection.  BUT..... on analysis, I can see that if fills many of the requirements I have for a fitting, appropriate and meaningful career activity for me.  And here they are:

1.  I will be working at something that will benefit others.  (When my father asked me what I'd like to do with my life, I replied, "I want to help others.")

2.  The idea of being a consultant resonates with me, in general.

3.  My long career in SALES has taught me that I really wish I could be on the OTHER side of the negotiation table at which deals are struck.  I want to be BUYING, and to have someone try to convince me that what they're selling is good.

4.  I will be able to eliminate my debt quite quickly, since it involves a fairly healthy compensation.

5.  I can be completely myself (a gay man) and still be loved and accepted by everyone.

6.  I have some skill/expertise in the business world that I can use, to benefit the company.

7.  I have some experience in non-profits that will be of benefit to the company.

8.  I can FINALLY give of my resources more freely to others.


So, as of this moment (AOTM), these are the reasons I look forward to FINALLY, and HOPEFULLY receiving a call from David today, letting me know that the GOCH! money has begun to flow.


We shall see.