SAD UPDATE ON WAITING.....

Last night, I "pocket-dialed" David's number.  Unintentionally, iow.

So later he calls me saying "I just wanted to call you back & give you an update."  Well, ordinarily, this would have been a very welcome call.  Because even if there is no GOCH! news, it's so very nice when David initiates a call.  I sometimes say to myself, "I wish David would call, even if there's no significant news, and he just wants to talk" - perhaps knowing that it's been a whole week since we THOUGHT there would be "money news" from GOCH!, but still just wanting to talk & see how things are going.

But no.  He was "calling me back."

*sigh*

Oh well.  It's my fate, I guess.....

But DAMMITTOHELL, I didn't beg him for the opportunity to work with him as a non-profit funding representative..... NO.  HE came to ME!!!

And what he said was so wonderful.  I'd work on the "GIVING" side, no longer on the "selling" side of our community.

I'd be working with someone who loves me, not at all concerned if I'm gay.

I'd make enough to get rid of the financial difficulties I'm in right now.

I'd be able to help my family.

I'd be able to buy some goddammmmmm ELEPHANT TEE SHIRTS for my grand children.

AND, I'd be able to fund a position on THE LAVENDER EFFECT executive board.

DAMMIT TO HELL!!!!!!!!!

Why can't all this happen NOW?????

Why must I be caught with a shortage of these things, at age 66??????????  It's getting late.

I'm so mad..... But I can't tell David this.

And I can't tell Joe, or Bill, or anyone else I've hinted to that I have a "ship coming in."

I can't move forward in any other direction.

I can stay working with Joe Pruitt, for $20/hr..... continue the lie that he believes (that I'm financially well off), and possibly work with him as more than just an "assistant."  I could get majorly involved in visits and assessments, and doing much more of the work he's doing now.

But this is NOT what I want.  I want to do good through money, with David.

I want to relax & enjoy my retirement.

I want to travel.  To visit Eric, and Marie.  And Peggy.  And Pat.  And Dan.

Right now, I can't even pay my bills (without credit.)

I wish I had a life.

I have let myself dream that I'd have a wonderful life if the GOCH! money came in.  I've dreamed of how it would be.

But it's not happening.  After THREE YEARS, it still has not happened.

I'm so lost.  I don't know which way to turn.

Bye.