I just don't get it.
I can always point to reasons why things haven't worked out.
Some are obviously valid. For example, it's absolutely true that I could have studied more in college (or ANY time), using the time I wasted in my "gay life."
Some are obviously NOT valid. For example, the absolutely untrue idea that I just don't have what it takes to compete with others.
And what follows is: But I wouldn't be the same person now if I'd used my time differently. And I KNOW that I do have "what it takes" to do a whole bunch of things.
And then: But nothing stuck with me. Or I didn't stick with anything long enough.
*sigh*
I do have a lot of blessings, reasons to live, reasons to be grateful.
But I still just don't get my life.
The biggest things these days, things I question over and over, are:
1. WHY can't I move forward with the life that David and I have been discussing for close to FOUR YEARS?? Should I forget it? Should I wait a few more days/weeks/months, etc? I don't know what specifics there are that will consume my time. But I WANT THEM REALLY BAD to take me over, so I can have a meaningful period of life before I die.
and
2. WHAT IS IT that makes me a) adopt a healthy workout/diet for several weeks, and then b) drop the interest I had in it so completely that I often say "I don't give a shit" and I eat what I want and then sleep rather than exercise. WHAT IS THAT???
I have wonderful children and grandchildren, and I feel the love for them stronger than I could have imagined. I want to spend time with them and love them and teach them. I miss them when I'm away from them. I want to help my kids raise their kids. Or at least be there so they'll know me and remember me after I'm gone.
Sometimes I think about how I didn't have much "grandparent presence" in my life, and I can sort of justify not being there for my grandkids, now and then. But most of the time, I AM in their lives, and I AM present for major events, etc.
Meanwhile, what do I do?
Wait.
*sigh*
No comments:
Post a Comment