Inspired by a YouTube video which features Richard Dutcher (anti-Mormon film maker) explaining how it feels to leave the Mormon Church, I want to make a public statement about my status in the wake of being excommunicated from the Utah LD$ Church:
I was born male, 8th child and 5th son of Ancel Newell and Virginia Borg Taylor, on July 10, 1950, sometime after 11PM, at The Doctors Hospital on "I" street in downtown Washington, DC. About 3 years later, they had their 4th daughter and last child.
Soon after my birth, I was circumcised. Many years later I found out that my father was not. I'd be interested to know why they decided to have all their sons circumcised.
Eventually, I realized that our family was Mormon, and when I asked questions, I was told by parents and/or siblings that it was the only true church on the earth. So eventually, I concluded that most of my friends (in my Maryland neighborhood) belonged to the wrong churches. Much later, I learned that the Mormon doctrine labeled all of these "other churches" as "of the devil" or at the very least, "anti-Mormon."
I bought it without question. After all, my father and older siblings all believed it. Even Tom, the "black sheep" of our family, went to the Mormon temple to get married. I idolized Tom, but when it came to religion, I parted ways, since I believed so strongly in Mormonism.
But also eventually, I realized that I was different from other boys & girls near my age (between 5 and 11 years). They were attracted to the opposite sex (or so it seemed), and I was attracted to other boys. Not sexually, yet, of course. Although, who knows how to describe sexual attraction at that age? - Maybe it WAS sexual. But I don't remember it being such until the few years before I reached puberty.
Richard Zierdt and I sort of "explored" each other, and we obviously had erections, since we used to refer to our penises as "cannons." I was probably 8 or 9 or 10 then.
(I told you - you who are reading this - that it would be 100% uncensored, so please don't be offended at my frank descriptions. Or at least try not to, so you can see the bigger picture. Thanks.)
Anyway, I stayed with my fixation on my "cannon" and quickly realized that I should not discuss this with anyone in my family, especially my parents, who seemed to be strict and stern and conservative. At least, looking back, that's what I think they were trying to be. Later, I would find out that in many ways, they were quite liberal.
So. Fast forward to about 1985, when I met a man who lived in Eastern Utah, a man named Rance Searle (he's since died). He and I had a homosexual liason, although I was, at the time, married and feeling quite guilty about my gay activities, even the ones that were just talking to a new friend. He introduced to me the idea that the LD$ church might NOT be the only true church on the Earth.
Now, those of you who know me, know that by this time in my life, I'd already lived in several foreign countries where most had not even HEARD about Mormonism. And I'd already served a mission in France, where no only did most not know about Mormonism, but also, those who DID know were generally hostile to the idea of our bringing them a "new American religion" to replace whatever they might have hitherto believed. ("hitherto" - :) works well in that sentence.)
So why now, would Lance Searle have had such a strong effect on my beliefs about Mormonism? Was it because he was gay, and I was looking for a "way out" of the guilt?
No.
Was it because I had just never taken the time to focus on the reality of what my beliefs were at the time, and whether or not they were valid?
Yes.
But those who know the next chapters of my life history will likely conclude that it WAS, in fact, because I was gay, and wanted a "way out."
They are wrong.
Of course, I struggled with BOTH issues, and the gay friend (Lance) was the catalyst. But he helped me, or at least introduced me, to examine(ing) my true beliefs. From that time, and for about 2 years, I conducted a serious investigation of Mormonism.
Lance had told me that there were at least EIGHT versions of Joseph Smith's "First Vision" and that they all did not agree in detail or even in general. I was both appalled and relieved.
Appalled that I had never known about the 8+ versions, and relieved that perhaps IF the LD$ church were NOT true, then I was "relieved" of all the guilt I had felt.
So, my investigation, which included interviews with Charles Didier (my former Mission President, and by then a General Authority) and several others, led me out of the church. I specifically did NOT tell them anything about the homosexual aspects of my life. I did not want the two issues to mix.
And, because of my sincere & honest investigation of the LD$ church (which investigation included sincere and honest prayer about whether I might be being misled by leaving), I left Mormonism spiritually, and later physically ("physically" meaning that I no longer attended any meetings).
Not long after that, I left my wife. When I did that, she "reported" me to the Bishop and the Stake President. And not long after that, he excommunicated me, when I refused to meet with him to answer to the allegations that my wife had leveled against me with regard to being gay.
So, the HISTORY is sort of mixed. It's easy to think I left Mormonism because I'm gay. Well, I have to say, that had I NOT been gay, I MIGHT still be active in the LD$ church, and even possibly married.
But to me, it's very clear. I left Mormonism because it is a fraud. It is based on lies and the continuation of those lies which have become "truth" to many, including my own children.
I'd like to convince them of a truth, and that is, that the church they belong to is not true. It's good in a few ways, but it's a brainwashing, child abusive, arrogant cult, too. And my heart's desire is for them, and also for all my other relatives (even my ex-wife) to wake up to that truth.
*sigh*
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