DEAFENING SILENCE

This morning I awoke with thoughts similar to those of recent weeks and months.  I'm apparently plagued by the DEAFENING SILENCE of "no decision" or "no communication" or "no consideration."

Meaning, I'm sort of expecting word from various sources (e.g., David T's mining deal development), but they're not coming.

I seem to be faced with the basic options of a) doing nothing or b) reaching out for an update.

And since I don't know which would be better, I chose a) doing nothing.

And that brings on all the depression and self pity and misguided thoughts, including suicidal thoughts, of another empty day.

Today is Wednesday.  I have nothing pressing today.

I'm reminded of my former boss, Tom Giblin, who would often call up his customers and use his "clever" phrase, "You're conspicuous in your absence."

Who fits that category of "client" for me today?
1.  David T.
2.  Rod F.
3.  Scott M.
4.  ......

Oh, I don't know.  I'm going to stop creating this list.  Life's not THAT bad.  I could likely think of a bunch more people who fit.  But why?

Why not read a neglected book, or continue watching a movie on Netflix, or log on to RfM (Recovery from Mormonism) and create a new thread (or comment on an existing one)..... etc.

Because I'm depressed.  That's why.  I might get around to some of those things, and I might not.

OK, meditation/prayer, & breathing.

Today brings "another chance" to figure things out.  I might not actually DO anything, but at least I do have today's version of "another chance" to figure things out.

There are some UNSOLVEABLE DILEMMAS of my life (and possibly of everyone's lives):
1.  It seems IMPOSSIBLE to resolve the question of whether we are in a dream state while awake in the traditional sense of "being awake," or we are in an actual awake state.  Some purport that when we sleep, we enter the REAL reality.  And when we awake, we enter a dream state.

How could we ever know?

2.  It seems IMPOSSIBLE to resolve the question of the relativity of emotional response to life on this planet.  For example, it seems in many ways "amazing" that we wake up every day, that the earth revolves to become bathed in sunlight, that the sunlight strikes the green leaves and turns them thousands of different shades of green, and that those moments are fleeting, to be replaced by other possibly equally "amazing" natural phenomena.

However, if you consider that these "amazing" things are possibly only such because of our limited knowledge of things on this planet, then they could become commonplace in observation & thought.

IOW, when someone says "Life is AMAZING" - I'm led to think that it's only amazing to someone who cannot see the bigger picture.  To God, how could it be "amazing" to contemplate a green leave changing colors in the sunlight?  Since s/he/it created it all, or if not, s/he/it KNOWS about it all..... it should be commonplace by now.

Perhaps the correct phrase is "Life is AMAZING - TO ME, and AT THIS TIME."

I'm a "Debby Downer" I suppose.  I'm SO VERY ANALYTICAL that I cannot seem to just enjoy life.  To let my emotions control me, or at least let my emotions play out sort of "naturally" so that I can just be a spontaneous learner/experiencer here on this planet.

But WHY?  WHY would I do that?  WHY might that be important?  It's not the "natural Ken."  It's not me.  I just don't know what to do with all this, so I'll again let life take over.  I'll again let a movie or possibly a book take over.  I'll again let a meal take over.

We all know that it's NOT LIKELY, is it, that another PERSON will take over in this sense today.  Which is the feeling I was describing above:  DEAFENING SILENCE.

I cannot seem to internalize the lesson I've repeatedly learned (or am in the process of learning, however poorly) throughout my life:  ONE CANNOT CONTROL THE LIFE OF ANOTHER PERSON.

I don't mean to imply that I'd want to control another's life in every way.  Of course not.  But I DO WISH that when it's reasonably expected that someone else do something, that they DO IT.

For example, I'm waiting patiently for David T. to call and let me know that he's received the money he's expecting and that it will enable him to move forward with the plans we've discussed for me to work for him, and do the rewarding work of helping others through monetary means.  This call would greatly alleviate all the doubts and depressing thoughts, etc. that I've been having about my life & my financial dilemmas over the past 6 months.

So, I know that David T's promised on several occasions that when he gets the money, he'll call me.  That's a simplification of the situation, but it's still true.  So that puts me in "limbo" for however long it'll take.

But here's my frequent thought:  WHY CAN'T DAVID T say to himself..... "Hmmmmm, I know Ken's worried about his future.  I know he needs cash.  I know he's putting off looking for another job so that he can work with me.  I'll just gtive Ken a quick call now and then, to let him know what's going on, so he won't worry too much."

WHY CAN'T THAT HAPPEN FOR ME?  Is it really too much to ask of life?

Of course, the alternative is to continuously call him for updates.  And many of my friends & aquaintences would do just that.

Why don't I?  Well, it's largely because I'm still hung up on the impression I make with David T (and others).  I want them to think of me as a person who is sort of "above" all that worry & depression.  I'm not above it, obviously.  But since it's not likely I'll ever tell them, or that they'll ever read this blog, they'll never know.

So, I'll wait yet another day, end this post so that I can go get breakfast, and watch another Netflix movie.

*sigh*