It's Tuesday morning, I am very perplexed by life. as usual, my thoughts are like eating bouillon soup with a fork. But still I will try to record some important information about my life, for whatever reason there might be today.
For the first time, I am doing this by voice texting, from my iPhone. I have kind of learned how to do this without creating too many errors. But it still needs editing, and of coarse, I will edit it for the obvious errors.
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I switched to my laptop. Much easier to write here.
Renaming this post "ADDICTION."
I'm an addict in the following ways:
- Addicted to procrastination & laziness. I've almost always looked for a way to escape obligations, even self-imposed ones.
- Addicted to depression. However, being aware that I'm depressed is new.
- Addicted to sex/sex clubs/sex websites/porn. Although I don't ACT on these all that often, I still see an addiction within myself.
- Addicted to being alone emotionally (or is it "addicted to destroying relationships?")
So, if you realize that you WOULD BE addicted to something, if you gave into it more often, can you then say that you are NOT ADDICTED to it? "Prone" to it, maybe? "I have homosexual 'leanings'." In my case, my "leanings" have turned out to be a "5" on the Kinsey scale. I can't say "6" because I did marry a woman and I did have sex with her many times. But she was the only woman.
What I CAN say is that no matter what I SAY (or WRITE) about something, it can hardly change the nature of it.
Or can it?
And further, what I DO about it probably doesn't change much.
Or does it?
Actually, that begs the question of why I'm writing all these posts. Do I expect some sort of change? I suppose I do. Perhaps some insights will "occur." Maybe I'll re-read it and make a different, better choice at some future crossroad.
But I don't think I'm at the point (yet) of having something I've written impact me to any significant degree. IOW, so far, not much has "stuck" with me. When I re-read stuff I've written - IMPORTANT stuff - it's usually like I'm reading it for the first time. Bad memory? Reading it too infrequently?
Either way, nothing sticks for me, with the possible exception of a few addictions.
Renaming this post ADDICTION - NOTHING STICKS
Thought sequence: My English. Eric Lefrandt's English. Eric Lefrandt's trip to Scotland (with Arno, his ex-husband). Eric Lefrandt's financial situation. My financial situation. And then the lament: "Why is it that Eric can afford to go to Scotland - with his ex - while I am a person who has earned a lot of money, and now I can't even afford a trip to Las Vegas?" My answer: I haven't managed my money very well over my earning career, and I haven't awakened to my own poverty yet. So I'm going to Vegas anyway.
The obvious next statement: "Maybe I'll get lucky in Vegas."
With a "Fifty cent maximum" I doubt it'll happen. At least I'm not addicted to gambling.
Renaming this post ADDICTION - NOTHING STICKS - FINANCES
In other news, my almost-daily visit to RfM (Recovery from Mormonism website, www.exmormon.org) has been prevented today by the fact that the admin is apparently having some problem, resulting in the message that I can't access right now, and to try later.
OK, it can happen.
Today I call Wells Fargo - we'll see how that goes. Yesterday, I anticipated the call and imagined that, "with my luck" I'd likely not get through at all, or I'd get some excuse like "I can't do anything for another 60 days" or "Can you call me back in 2 weeks?" or "I know we need to meet, but I just got a new assignment and I thought you were my boss calling to ask me for a report" or some such.
But I'm almost always wrong & unable to accurately predict how things will go. So maybe..... MAYbe.... it will be good news.
LTD (later that day)
I got voice mail for Wells Fargo. Oh well. Wrong as I was, at least there's a chance he (i.e. the gay Wells Fargo foundation/donation VP, Jonathan Weedman) will call back.
I've taken 2 Midol, and now 2 Bayer Back & Body pills for my knee (and leg) pain. I'm hoping that "staying off of it" for the next 2 days will make a difference. Thus far, the 4 pills have not alleviated the pains, which are in my right knee, and sort of all up and down my right leg. The pains seem to move around, except for the knee pain which stays no matter what other areas hurt.
"I JUST GOT IT" - this is a phenomenon I've noticed that happens to me occasionally, and during conversations with others, most often in a group setting.
Here's how it went the other day (and this is typical): I was at lunch for Jaren M's birthday, and we were with 4 of his friends, all eating at one of Jaren's favorite seafood restaurants in Burbank. It was all-you-can-eat mostly Asian fare. One of the friends announced that he had a headache, and I immediately offered him some pain pills by Bayer which I almost always have with me: Bayer Back and Body. When I said "Bayer Back and Body" he and others laughed. I said, "No, that's what they are." He accepted them, and I think they helped him.
So today, with my knee pain, I took some BBB, and I recalled the incident at lunch. For some reason, at lunch, I didn't see any humor - I just gave him the pills. But now, I repeated "Bayer Back and Body" to myself, and the humor clicked in: Bareback and Body. Ohhhhhhhhh, I get it now.
Funny how I not only DIDN'T get it at lunch, but I also maintained enough "composure" (what other word could I use here? ___________) such that everyone thought I got it, too. I'm known for a dry sense of humor, and as such, I will not laugh or even smile at something humorous, and others have come to expect me to make some dead-pan comment. In this case, I might have said "No, that's what they are." and added "Don't you wish they'd give you a bearback trip with a body?" or some such.
But no, I just really didn't get it until today.
And further, I've announced the name of my pain med to others in the past, and I'm vaguely recalling that others have snickered or smiled as I said "Bayer Back & Body." Again, I never thought of any other meaning at the time.
Oh well, I again have "saved face" by being sort of neutral. And if anyone went back to those conversations and said, "You never got that, did you?" I could reply with "Of course I got it. I was just being my usual dead-pan, dry-humored self." Which would have been a lie. So far, no one has done that.
But "I" have thought it, and I don't want to lie to myself. So, Ken, here is the truth: YOU DIDN'T GET IT until 2 days later (e.g.).
I wouldn't have made such a big deal about this, but it does happen a lot when I'm in a group setting, in a social setting, etc. Well, it happens "too much" for me. Perhaps it happens to EVERYone. So what? I'm concerned that it happens to ME. (And this blog is about ME.)
So, if I am focused on this kind of thing happening to me, then perhaps it is diminished by my focusing on it. Perhaps not. Optimistically, I entertain the idea that as I think about it, it will happen less and less. Pessimistically, I speculate that no matter how much I think about it, it will still happen when (but not necessarily every time) I'm in a group setting, and I'm speaking.
This addresses the heart of my self-concept. Mom used to quote a poem which begins, "I have to live with myself, and so, I want to be fit for myself to know....." (that's all I can remember right now). So, if she's right (i.e., that I DO have to live with myself), I have to live with this "not getting it" aspect of me.
I don't like it. But it keeps happening. Not every time I speak. Not every day. Not every time I'm in a group setting. But it does keep happening.
I've been blessed/cursed with an awareness of this kind of thing. Why? What good can come of noticing it, especially if I can not change it or improve it or eliminate it? Or can I? IDK.
It's easy to write this kind of thing out, observing it from several perspectives, etc, etc. But it's quite another thing to think about DOING something in response.
Time for a change of pace: An apple with some peanut butter, as my mid-morning snack. Yay!
LTD
Ate the apple; will be glad when my "Kroger" brand of smooth peanut butter (which I bought somewhere in Utah) is gone (it almost is), so I can get back to Laura Scudder's brand. MUCH better & healthier & purer.
INSERT: A note on Kroger peanut butter. I'm in my room, and I have a fork which I use to speare the apple chunks, and then dip them into the peanut butter jar. Kroger's peanut butter is, as I alluded to above, less healthy and less good than Laura Scudder's brand. But I noticed something else about Kroger's peanut butter, and it's the jar. It's a plastic jar, and the bottom is sort of "corrugated" or "bumpy" at the bottom. In order to get ALL the peanut butter out, you'd have to sort of "wipe" each space at the bottom. If you use a knife, fork, or normal sized spoon, you will leave some of the peanut butter behind as you come to the end of the supply in the jar. Hmmmm. I'm led to wonder if they do that on purpose. I'd bet that they DO. That small amount of "leftover" peanut butter, in each jar, would amount to quite a bit of wasted product. And that translates to more frequent purchase of their product. Which of course increases their profits. Am I cynical? I suppose in a way, I am. But it's hard to argue with that fact. I, being KeRoTay, will not let them win, in two ways: 1) I dislike their product enough to not buy it again, but 2) I like it enough, and I'm pissed off enough, to finish the entire jar, even the peanut butter between the ridges at the bottom of the jar. For that, I'll need a small knife or spoon, or maybe a spatula. I'll have to go down to the kitchen to see what I can find.
Still can't get onto RfM's board. But I DID read some of the letters Eric K received soon after he began his "page" (as they called it back in the mid-90s). Mormons were quite unbelievable in how they wrote. I wonder if any of the 15 or so letter authors has left the church by now.
I thought, as I read, that my 2 kids would not likely write anything like that. They're both college-educated, and Joe particularly is particular about what words (and spelling) he choose to express his ideas. I can't imagine he (or Lisa) would write so carelessly.
But they both might have the same core feelings as the writers did. And that scares me. I do wish that somehow I could "crack" that shell of testimony they have, so that they could look at life more open-mindedly.
It would be interesting for each of them to honestly answer the question, "Why do you continue to believe in and live according to the precepts taught by the Utah LDS Church?"
I suppose I'll have to leave that at this point in time. They're not likely to be willing to even address it right now. David T tells me that he thinks a person usually has to get to his 50s before s/he seriously questions his personal beliefs.
For me, it was 35, and of course it was "catalyst-ized" (is that a word? no, but the meaning is clear) by my homosexuality. Perhaps without addressing my sexual nature, I would have taken longer to address the issues of Mormonism.
Who knows?
The RfM site is BACK UP! Yay! That's another addiction I have. Sort of.
LTD
I opened up today's post again, just in case I feel inspired or compelled or motivated to record any thoughts.
Watching Jeopardy, I realize that I'm not all that bright, or quick to recall stuff I know. It's the "tournament of champions" so they're all very brainy and quick. But it's still fun to try to answer some questions (or, more accurately, to question some answers) as the game goes on.
This Jeopardy is one of the ones I've enjoyed more than any others. I actually learned something new (e.g., sygyzy - when the sun, the moon and the earth align), rather than just saying mostly "I knew that!"
"Thirst for Knowledge" - I apparently have a bit more lately. It began with David T recommending that I buy some books on CD to listen to during my May Tripper in May. I did that, and I bought Bill Bryson's "A Short History of Just About Everything." It was nice not to have to be reading, in spite of the inability to make margin notes & comments.
So, info learned on Jeopardy was more pleasing. And now "The Big Bang Theory" is on TV, so I'm learning more information, with a corny humorous bent.
I might be frustrated and depressed, but I feel a bit better right now. Could have something to do with my earlier conversation with Andy S, about my involvement in The Lavender Effect.
But whoa, Ken.... hold on.
You expected to hear from a) Oracle, b) Wells Fargo, and c) David Timpson today. And not one of them called.
Maybe tomorrow, of course. But I'm depressed about today. Why the HELL couldn't at least ONE of these people contact me, at the very least to say, "No news right now. Let's talk later."
I almost ALWAYS have to wait like this. I don't know what to think about it. I suppose I should say "They'll call, they're just not ready now." But I still think the odds are somehow stacked against me. It happens so often, especially when waiting for employment news.
In a perfect world, I would have gotten a call from David Timpson, saying that we can move forward financially as we've discussed. (I've been waiting for more than six months for his "ship to come in.") Then I would have gotten a call from Wells Fargo, agreeing to schedule a meeting with the VP of Corporate Giving (a gay guy) to discuss donations to TLE. (He says he always returns all his calls.) And finally, I would have gotten a call from Michael Spano at Oracle. (And I would not have cared WHAT he said.)
But no, I am not extended the common courtesy of an update to my requests.
Why not? What about me makes people who receive a request from me, ignore me?
I have a hard time believing that it always is a coincidence. But it HAS to be, right?
FUCK everybody, then!
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