PISSED OFF

Ya know, I'm REALLY PISSED OFF today.

I know, I'm blessed more than most.  I get that.

But I'm still REALLY PISSED OFF.

What I DON'T get is why... WHY my timing is so awfully bad.

Now, it wasn't always bad.  I was in the right place at the right time for several things over the years.  So that was good.  Whoever is keeping track, let it be known that I ackowledge that SOMEtimes, my timing is good.

But lately, no so much.

For example, and this is the BIGGIE...... HOW could it possibly be that the forces that control me (or leave me be, whichever the case).... could have "allowed" the situation to become this miserable for me??

HOW?  WHY?

I'm about out of money, and the opportunity of making more has been looming for about a year now.  The promise of the opportunity actually becoming such, is still looming.  It's "just about here."  Only another day or two.

I .... absolutely.... HATE.... the way this is going.  I HATE it.

My finances are drained.  The longer this goes, the more things come up that I'm likely to need money for.  And then there are all the things that I MIGHT need money for (e.g., replacing the AC at the Alta Loma house - probably $3K or so).  And then there are the things that I'd LIKE to spend money on (e.g., a final trip to see Eric Lefrandt and Marie Mauduit and to visit Peggy before she leaves Frankfurt).

SHIT!

WHY does it come out this way?

So while this is all (NOT) going on.... I'm tearing myself up and playing the waiting game.  And feeling guilty about NOT doing anything about anything.  Just letting things slide.  Not motivated to get "up, and do something more."

I HATE THIS!!!!!

When I make a sort of "plea" for relief from this...... I am led to wonder if anyone is listening.  I know, I know.  People have wondered that for centuries (I can't readily spell "millenea" so I'll leave it at "centuries.")

So what?  I AM WONDERING IT TODAY.

It's still pitch black outside - at least it appears to be, with my bedroom light ON, and the window open.

But I know the light is returning.  The "sun is rising."  (incorrect - actually, it's the earth rotating)  But it's interesting that my window looks pitch black right now.

And WHAT, may I ask, is that awful, loud periodic BUZZ I hear in my neighborhood?  How would I ever find out, short of going out in the early hours and trying to follow it?  I'm between a shopping center and a school, and it could have something to do with one of those.  It sounds like someone buzzing someone through a door.  But that doesn't make any sense.  Oh well.  It's one of those things I'm going to live with.

A strange event several days ago.  It was Saturday or Sunday morning, early.  I heard a radio broadcast of some foreign language, coming from somewhere in this complex.  I couldn't believe how loud it was, and how early the hour was (it was about 6am or so).  After suffering with it for at least 30 minutes, I dressed and went out my front door, to walk around, to at least try to figure out the source.  I walked to the right, since it seemed to be coming from that direction.  The shopping center construction (or maintenance?) workers will sometimes be working at early hours, and I thought that maybe one of them had a radio blaring.

Imagine my surprise to find out that it was coming from my next-door neighbor's house!  She's an older single woman from Thailand, and she's very quiet & proper, in general.  Keeps to herself, mostly.  She speaks French, so I do talk to her now and then in French.  But WHY would she have such a radio blaring??  When I walked past her window, she was there, looking out, and she waved.

I was non-plussed by this, so I turned back to my place.  As I walked through my door, the blaring stopped.

WHAT POSSIBLE EXPLANATION COULD THERE BE FOR THAT????  I don't know.

DAMN LIFE.  Full of mysteries & unanswered questions.  Right now, I don't know why I have a shooting pain in my upper calf.  It's been there for a few days.  Inactivity?  Water on the knee?  Arthritis?  Cancer?

And I can't find out for sure.... no doctor could be sure.  But I also have no insurance, and no money for high medical consultation costs.

SHIT.

LTD

Something's coming.  I know it's not likely to be earth-shattering.  But I think it's coming.  What, I don't know.  But it's coming.

TODAY is coming.  I can feel it.  I'm not sure of it, of course.  Feelings can lie.

But so what?  Who cares what I might "FEEL?"  I might as well join a monestary, and say THAT'S what was coming.

HA!  I'm so sick of not knowing what's going on.  I don't know how much more I can take of this.

At the end of my rope.

And why am I almost ALWAYS wrong about everything?  On practically every level?  Can't things just work out?  Who would it hurt for things to work out for me?  WHO?

If I knew who it might hurt, I'd have a different perspective.  But my guess is, it wouldn't hurt anyone, for things to work out for me.

But then, I'm almost always wrong, so I'm likely wrong about that, too.

How much more of this can I handle??  Not too much.

SHIT.

LTD

I HATE that I didn't get even an update phone call from David T. regarding his investment portfolio.  I thought the "big day" would be yesterday, and for sure, by today.  But no.

SHIT.