Last night, I fell asleep listening to KFI's CoastToCoast radio program for insomniacs, except that I didn't fall asleep. Well, not completely. I recall hearing a story by a caller about an Ouija board in which he explained that he thought they were "not good" but still tried one out with a group of fellow military friends. He scoffed at them for believing in it, but they challenged him to try it. He did.... he asked them to ask the board his mother's maiden name, and it spelled it out immediately.
That led me to think about what the HECK we're doing here on earth.
This morning (after listening to the same radio show off and on all night), I decided to have another conversation with MCG, which I have done in the recent past by lying quietly in my bed, folding my hands across my chest, and saying/thinking the following, or something close to it:
"Dear Creator God, thank you for this new day. Please bless Joe, Chrissy, Ada, Ethan, Elliot and Oliver. Please bless Lisa, Rodney, Lyla and Elijah. Please bless me to be a good father and grandfather. Bless the leaders of churches and nations. Bless those who are about to do something evil or stupid. In the name of Jesus Christ. Amen."
But I often interject thoughts:
* Am a REALLY thankful for this new day? Would it be better for me and everyone if I didn't wake up again?
* I think "bless" is defined as regards my children, my grandchildren and me, as "health, safety, happiness and well-being." But then, if we are to be blessed by MCG, would it not make sense to pray for whatever situations and/or conditions that would allow us to achieve our life's purposes? And would it not be better to pray for the COURAGE for us to act to bring about those purposes?
* Should I continue praying "in the name of Jesus Christ" - I generally say "yes" to that, relying on the fact that this is how I was taught to pray, and there is some value in that, if nothing else than that it helps me end the prayer.
***********
I was interrupted this morning by my human condition. I began coughing, clearing my throat, etc., which seems to happen often in the early morning, and it does annoyingly interrupt my focus on my prayer/meditation/breathing routine.
As I rose from my bed to go into the bathroom and cough and sneeze and clear my airways some more, I thought about the whole scene I'm creating. I cursed my limitations as a human being in a physical body. I told MCG to be patient since I was still human, and had to take care of these annoying irritating human biological conditions.
Also, as I walked, I lamented that my curse is to be someone who was raised one way (Mormon), but then doubted it, and necessarily therefore examined it, and was faced with the question, "Which religion IS the right one - for me?"
Not a new dilemma. I mentally reviewed the major ones. "If not Mormon, which one is it for me? It can't be Catholic, or Protestant, or Jewish, or Muslim. It has to be SOMETHING. Religion is people's answers to "the purpose of life" and "how we should live." And atheism is ALSO an answer to the purpose of life."
"Je suis ne catholique, et je reste catholique." That's a much simpler answer. But I no longer have the luxury of saying "I was born Mormon, and I'm staying Mormon." Too late. I already doubted. The cat's out of the bag. The can of worms has been opened.
WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON?
I feel more distant from MCG and from almost everyone here on earth that I know.
So what do I do now?
I get up & dressed & go visit Lisa & family, and take care of little Eli while they move into their new house in San Clemente.
Today, I wish I had kept earning an income for the past few years. It would have allowed me to do some nice things for my family. Like getting them a housewarming gift.
*sigh*
LTD (actually recorded the following day - 20130914)
I recalled a dream I'd had last night, but when I logged back on to record it, I kept getting a "frozen screen" which of course further irritated and annoyed. So now, I'm recording my recollection of the dream, but it's 24 hours later. (*sigh*)
The dream: I saw myself in progressively worsening and extremely disadvantageous conditions. I apparently had been driving a car (the image of my family's 1966 Aztec Bronze Chevrolet Impala comes to mind), and had parked it somewhere. At a later point in the dream, I could not remember where it was parked. I realized that I no longer had the keys. I was later aware that I had no clothes on, except for a pair of boxer shorts. Thus, I had no wallet, no ID on me. I was wandering in some part of a city, looking for help, or some way out of this dilemma. There were no other people visible in the dream, but I was fearful of meeting someone while in this state of affairs. I inwardly thought that this situation would somehow resolve itself, but it never did before the dream ended. (EOD)
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