I'm thinking this morning that since apparently no one else reads my posts, I can be without fear in opening up myself to myself.
I had thought I could have some classical music playing softly in the background as I write, but no. There are too many distracting ads about the station &/or the music itself. I could, of course, select a CD and have it playing.... but the process of selecting & playing it is also distracting.
So I write in relative silence. The sounds I hear are birds in our courtyard, and the noise of traffic, such as it is here in the western San Fernando Valley of LA.
And now, I will attempt to address the concerns about my life which lie heavily on my mind & heart, but mostly on my mind & mood.
The first is the baffling situation at Human Development Associates (HDA), where I work part-time for Dr. Pruitt. The billings I have prepared have been wrong, ever since I began working for Dr. P. I noticed that the DX codes were inconsistent a long time ago, and asked him about them. His reply was "don't worry about those, I'll change them if I have to." (Or words to that effect.)
As time went on, for about 2 1/2 years, we continued to submit the bills as they were. At one point, the codes were changed across the board. The new codes did not always match the old ones, and I did bring that to Dr. P's attention. I don't recall what his response was, but the issue did not seem to be all that important, especially in view of the fact that our billings had not matched our Progress Notes for a long, long time, and yet they were paid.
Then, in August, Dr. P decided to switch to a new service (Mission), and we did 2 months (July & August) to "catch up". About 50 of them were "Initial Assessments" - which Dr. P provided. On the 3 sessions of Progress notes, I dutifully changed the codes to the NEW codes, but did not do so on the Initial Assessments.
This was a BIG MISTAKE. I should have thought about it more, rather than simply say to myself that Dr. P is generating these, and he must be checking them as he goes.
Not so. Dr. P apparently ignored the codes, and I do recall saying, "I won't be the one who changes anything."
But there's more. The files we keep on each patient are almost ALL in onsistent & mismatched. I have often gone through them, trying to decide which code is correct.
I wondered if the DX might change at various times. I wondered how accurate they are. I wondered how important they are.
About a month ago, Dr. Pruitt and I sat down and went through the list of all Medi-Cal patients, and we came up with an "official MASTER LIST" of all Medi-Cal patients. Since then, I have changed everyone's codes to match that list.
Also about a month ago, we received a package of "Go-Backs" which contained 70 documents with errors. Dr. P added them up, calculated the money "lost" to be approx. $3,000 (reflecting errors for the first 2 months we submitted together to Mission), and turned to me and said, "How could you do this to me?"
And now, the other day, we went through each document to correct them. Dr. P apparently has another list by which he compares Medi-Cal numbers, Dates of Birth, Social Security Numbers, etc. Until last week, I had no knowledge of such a list existing. I asked him where it came from, and he said, "From my files."
OK. I'm a person who is detail-oriented. I like to make sure that things are done correctly. So why didn't I make a bigger case for getting the DX codes, the DOBs, the SSNs and the Medical numbers correctly entered?
My answer: I defaulted to the expertise of Dr. Pruitt, and his existing files, and his existing lists.
The prior company we worked with is Central City, and they paid the bills WITH the errors.
So, I did not think about the fact that the new company (Mission) might have higher standards of detail.
Summary:
June & July - no attention paid to codes matching the patient log. Result: 74 errors, including several where information was missing, such as boxes not checked, SSN not entered, DOB wrong.
When the DOB was wrong, I had relied on the files we have. I did not have access to Dr. P's list which apparently has everything correct on it.
Conclusion: I can say that I did what I thought was best at each session. However, I did not think things through far enough, nor did I "make a big enough case" with Dr. P such that the numbers were all correctly entered and matched as required.
He has concluded that these errors (and the ones to come for subsequent billings) are a huge embarrassment for him, and could lead to him losing his license.
I had not ever understood that these errors were so important.
I should have thought that they were, and taken steps to correct them.
Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Now I reflect on this and many other jobs I've held, where I've taken the same approach, and have failed, many times to the point of being fired.
I&I Equipment (Fired due to errors on estimates).
Continental Bank (Close to being fired for cashing a large check that should have required prior approval)
LDS Church (Left for a better job)
Osborne Engineering (Left for a better job)
IDE (Fired for poor sales performance)
Fed-Ex Armored (Fired due to change in company direction - but related to poor sales performance)
Burns (Demoted due to customer complaints - I think)
APS (Left for a better job)
Woodland Hills School (Fired for bad relat with boss & some potential clients)
DKM (Fired twice by Jeff Dixon for poor sales performance)
Guide Technologies (Fired for poor sales performance)
Schuur Solutions (Almost fired for poor sales performance - I quit just before, for a better job)
HDA (Fired because I couldn't find the right words to discuss "pretend" with Dr. P, but he was drunk during the discussion - so I think this was out of line, not justifiable)
I probably left some out, and there were some "almost fired" situations that irritate.
Also, I was "let go" from the UofU MBA program for poor grades. And I was almost "let go" from the UofU architecture program due to poor grades - but I quit before that happened.
I need to list the jobs I was NOT fired from:
Steinberg's Grocery Store (Canada)
US Pavillion (Canada)
Centre Theatre (SLC)
Continental Bank (SLC)
Tom's company (Chicago)
Highland Dairy (SLC)
Grating Sales (SLC)
LDS Church
Osborne Engineering
Bradford Street Diamonds
Burns International
APS
Securitas
DKM (the first time, when I went to Schuur)
Schuur (when I went to Ed's company)
Ed's Company
All this is very depressing.
WHY didn't I stick to anything for long enough to succeed at it???????
Why didn't the ideas and concepts about learning & doing..... stick with ME long enough to succeed???
Was it me? Was it fate? Am I merely a placeholder, here to connect 2 generations?
Or do I really have choices which lead to results that I can attribute to me?
I wish I knew. I'm now 66, and STILL wondering why I'm here, and what I should do.
I've been thinking that I'm like my mom (who said "what good am I?" as she was lying in a sick bed near the end of her life life. And I've been thinking that I'm like my did (who thought he hadn't achieved anything in his life as he lay in his sick bed near the end of his life.)
I've been thinking suicide, since I've failed so MUCH in my life. I don't think I'm hurting anyone, and I KNOW I'm a help to my kids & grandkids. I'll stay alive for their sakes, of course.
But I don't FEEL like staying alive. I FEEL like leaving, since my life has been so empty, so flawed, so disappointing to me (and to some others).
And now................................ David's Deal is apparently about to come to fruition.
Or is it? It would have been nice to have it do so 3 years ago, when I first heard it would involve me, and that it would soon come to be, and change my life.
I had hope then (3 years ago) when I thought I could be working with/for someone I am close to, who accepts my life (gay, ex-mormon, father) and loves me, who recognizes in me enough talent to be able to handle the job of _________________ (administering philanthropic impact giving of rich people).
Can I do that? Well, YES. And I have the experience needed, along with the desire to succeed at it, and the life-long learned lesson that this post is addressing: THINK THINGS THROUGH to the needed point.
And now, since David's Deal has NOT YET come about, I am going to continue with my job as Dr. P's assistant.
Help.
Later today:
DAMMIT!
After all of the above:
1. I "donate" an hour to do a final review of the corrected documents, from 10-11, free.
2. 11am - Dr. P goes into his room and shuts the door.
3. 12noon - Dr. P comes out, dressed in his dress shirt for work, and ate his lunch. He asked me how I was doing. I said, "I'm pretty much done." He asked, "Are they both billing sheets AND progress notes?" I said, "Yes. And there are not 74 as we talked about before. It's reduced by 4 because of Jacques Lewis. And another 1 due to Constance Rossum which had both "no signature" and a DX conflict. The net is now 69 go-backs." He asked, "And are they corelated?" I said "Yes."
4. Soon after, Dr. P goes back into his room and apparently lies down.
5. I filled the time with other busy work, waiting for him to reappear.
6. At about 1pm, Dr. P appears and asked, "How much longer do you need?" I replied, "I'm finished."
Dr. P becomes quite angry, stating that he's been waiting for me to let him know when I'm finished. He asks, "How long has it been since you've been finished?"
I said, "About 15 minutes" - KNOWING that any more time would be more angering. I said, "I told you I was done." He replied, "You said you were almost done." (NOT TRUE. "Pretty much done." And an accounting of the final number of go-backs would not be possible if I were not done.)
7. I began to get all things ready to leave, and was ready in short order.
8. Dr. P slammed around, saying "GOD DAMMIT" a few times, and "NOW WE'RE LATE," and things like that.
9. I kept quiet after that.
10. A stop at Amoeba Records went quite smoothly (yay!)
11. Ride to Pomona was awkward silence.
12. Dr. P was coldly civil to me the whole time.... and again excluded me from the Initial Assessment of a new resident.
13. The time grew near for us to leave, and we said our goodbyes to the residents, and got into the car.
14. The mood was a bit lighter as we drove away, so I ventured a schedule update. I let him know that I would not be able to work on Friday, even though we had not nailed the schedule down. He had said last week that he would email me with his requested hours (he did not email me). He immediately repaired to his former sour, silent mood. Long drive home. My thoughts were that he was "done" with me (and I expected him to tell me that when we went into his apartment.
15. But no, he merely said, "I guess we'll do 11-7. That's what it ends up being anyway." I offered to come in Tuesday, and he said "No." So I updated my phone schedule, and signed out.
16. I went in to say good-night, but his bathroom door was shut. I waited a few minutes, and then decided I would just leave, not knowing how long he'd be in the restroom.
17. My usual habit is to hand him his keys, or put them in his bowl on his dresser, telling him that I'm doing so. But tonight, I was upset, to say the least. I never even THOUGHT about the keys.
18. As I was leaving, the front desk called me to the phone, and it was Dr. P on the line. He asked me if I had his keys. I said, "No." He asked "Where did you leave them?" I said "I only went to the dining room table and your desk. I think they're on the dining room table." He went and checked the dining room table. He came back to the phone and said 'They're not on the dining room table. Please come back upstairs." I agreed & went back upstairs.
19. Dr. P greeted me at the door & announced formally, "Where are my keys?" I went to the dining room table, and there they keys were.... under the clipboard, but partially visible. Dr. P was startled that he had been wrong.
20. But not to be "outdone" by me, he immediately blamed me loudly and emphatically for not handing him the keys, or putting them into his dresser bowl.
21. I stated, "I'm usually pretty careful with your keys." He almost reluctantly agreed, but reminded me that there was one time when I HADN'T been careful. (I'm not sure when he was thinking of; one night I drove partway home when I realized I still had his keys. I immediately called him, and he hadn't missed them at that point; I returned to his apartment and promised I'd be more careful.)
22. He exclaimed emotionally, "These are my KEYS! These are IMPORTANT!" I replied that I know that, and that I'm even MORE upset now that I was. He never leaves that alone..... he has to "better" me in every instance, and so he says, "I am more upset, too!"
On my way home, I thought how much I really HATE these kinds of interactions. Makes me want to quit, and I'm sure it makes him want to fire me.
Well, writing above about this & other aspects of my life.... MIGHT be helping me cope. I'm not sure.
I have a day off tomorrow, so I'll likely get a haircut, and take life easy.
But it sure would be a good day for DAVID'S DEAL to come through.
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