20161119 WRITINGS FOR TODAY

Well, at least I woke & did my routine!  There's that.

I've begun to add the date to each Post Title, because, since I've begun routining and writing daily, I've noticed something.

Earlier posts, if PUBLISHED immediately, carry the date they were published, and so I didn't put a date.  However, if a DRAFT is written on a given date, and then later PUBLISHED on a different date, the DRAFT LOSES the original date, and carries the PUBISHED date.

That's not what I want.  I want the date I originally WROTE the DRAFT to be carried.  So, I'm now entering the current DATE in the TITLE of the DRAFT.  Then, when/if it's PUBLISHED, it will carry the PUBLISHED date.

BUT..... true to form, there is yet another mystery - I think  Somehow, the DRAFT writing and the PUBLISHED writing appear in the list of posts, BOTH with the NEW DATE.  This is an example of the system/world/Universe not allowing me to have what I want.  I must be somehow tortured by these irritations, and must write about them.  (now)  And thus waste a ton of time (precious resource), and space on this blog.

I'm in San Clemente right now, still helping out with the kids.  But today's Saturday, so there's not much reason to "move quickly."  The kids are awake, and Eli came into my room and hopped into bed with me.  He's 3.  But Lyla, 5, has not even come in, like she did when she was younger.  I think I might have "lost her" - she'll likely not pay much attention to PapaKen as she grows older.  That makes me sad, but I do understand it.  I just wish she wouldn't grow up so much, so fast.  She's so very smart, and pretty, and entrepreneurial, and like her mom and grandma (Teresa).  Glad she's not slow like I was/am.

Anyway, I need to at least begin my affirmations.

A bit later,

Lyla DID stop in my room and talk for a bit.  She was all excited about the German Pancakes her dad is making, and she wants me to eat some.  (I had overheard the 2 kids bickering about who gets to help their dad with what, and how much.  They whined, cried and complained until their dad threatened to put them in their rooms without any breakfast.  They apparently wanted it to be equal.  I wondered how long in their young lives they'll be fighting about who GETS to help dad, versus who HAS to help dad.)

I asked Lyla what each of them had done to help.  She explained it all.  And then I asked how her dad was helping.  She said, "nothing."  I responded with mock surprise, explaining that he was the chef, so he did a LOT to help.  She might think that moms and dads don't ever "help" - only kids help.  So then I asked her what "I" could do to help, and she said, "Eat."  I said that would be easy, and that maybe I could also help by cleaning up the dishes & the table after.  She agreed.  Maybe I was able to teach her a bit about helping without whining, crying & complaining.

I'm not sure if writing is helping.  I wrote yesterday, and I had one of the most depressing/down days I've ever had.  I felt purposeless, useless, despondent.  I could probably think of 20 more words, and I don't know why it was like that.  Possible reasons:  a)  No call from David, b)  Major criticisms, mostly unjustified, from Dr. Pruitt, c)  The realization that I've failed so much at my career & relationships, and all I really have left now is being a grandpa.  And even that seems to be a weak effort right now.

Yesterday, I was short-tempered with the kids, to the point of saying things like, "I'm not having a good time today," and things like that.  I wondered if they "got it" or if they just have short attention spans.  They don't hold onto grudges very long.  I wish I could let things go more easily.  I DO let some things go.  But other things, I don't.  And there doesn't seem to be much consistency.