20161124 WRITINGS FOR THANKSGIVING DAY

Thanksgiving Day.

I wish I were more in the spirit of truly celebrating this day.  Even if it were through traditional foods, etc.

But no.  I'm dealing with my life long frustrations, personality flaws, sour relationships, etc.

I do not know WHY I am plagued with this, especially since I've done a lot, over the years, to eradicate it.

It's a constant vigil, I suppose.  I don't know how others, IF they are similarly plagued, have managed to root it out.

But perhaps I'm not all that different.  Perhaps I'm just mentally ill.  Perhaps I don't have the right outlook about life, about MY life, etc.

It seems that any answer to the above "dilemma" would involve me being "wrong" in some way.  And then along come David Timpson and others who "correct" me by saying, "Ken, there's noting wrong with you."

Well, at the very least, there IS something wrong - I have a bad perception of myself.

People have told me, over the years, that I have a "bad attitude" and/or that I'm a "mean" person.  But I don't think I am 100%.  I try very hard to be nice, while also being firm/strict with the little ones who might come into some danger, or who have exhibited rudeness or selfishness.

So...... again, I'm wrong either way.

Eli says he won't do something I'd like because "he's mean to me sometimes."  DAMN.  I'm mostly loving to him.  Why must only the occasional negative aspect be primary in his mind?????  DAMN.

See?  I don't seem to have ANY control over this dilemma.

So........ recently I recalled my father dressing me down (I was a young teenager, I think), and concluding, "You're nothing special."

That's not true, but the label (or LACK of label) has stayed with me all my life.

I usually react/respond/attack/counterbalance this thought with recalling positive things my father has said about me/to me:

1.  I think Kenny has a knack for languages.
2.  Ask Ken - he knows something about cars.
3.  You''l be a good driver.
4.  We thought you'd be the fairest of all the children (re being the executor of their estate)

So...... if I count the good things, and try to ignore the bad, maybe there's hope for me.

*sigh*

I wish I knew better how to deal with the strong, negative messages that plague me now.

AND, my affirmations seek to enhance my self-healing - and I want it to apply to the DAMN COUGHING FITS I keep having.  I'd like to at very least find out what it is, and possibly take some steps (meds?  change in diet?  change in routine?) to FIX IT.

Who wants to live life COUGHING?????  Not me.

Damn life.