(draft written in earlier 2016) EMPTY LIFE

(draft written in earlier 2016)

In 1982, I vowed to my father that I would not get to the end of my life and say what he said:  "I haven't done anything."

I couldn't believe that he would be saying such a thing, after living 74 years, and doing all he did.

I wrote him a letter, listing all the things he'd done, for which I admired him so much.

And now...... I, too, have led a life that pretty much amounts to nothing, except fathering 2 children, and all that goes with that.

No job, not really.  Just a fill-in, make-shift one (i.e., working as Assistant for Dr. Pruitt) that has almost ended twice due to my lack of good judgment.

I graduated Magna Cum Laude in French.  Wow.  Magna Deal.

I didn't think my career through.

Over the years, I haven't confessed any of this to my kids, because I wanted them to achieve higher heights.  I needn't have worried, with their mom being Teresa.

Yes, I "had it" - As a young teen high school student & human being, I had SOMEthing..... but I never let it develop into much of anything.

When people get to know me, they either leave me, or fire me.

Except David.  And except Bill.

I wonder if they'd leave me too, if they spent more time with me.

Watching ROOTS right now.  Makes me ashamed to be white.  But I was born this way.  Just like Kunta Kinte was born black.

Who knows why?  I just need to learn more about life on this planet.

But then, if I learn that, or if I don't - what's the difference?  I mean, the significant difference. Answer:  There is none.

Message from ROOTS:  LIVE!!

Why do I "serve" Dr. Pruitt so willingly?  Because I

DONT HAVE A LIFE!

Or, I can modify that by saying my life has little meaning.

So now what?

NAAAAHHHHHHH...... THHIIIIIIIIIING.

(Next Morning)

I kinda wish I hadn't put the reality of my life into words.  Although I still believe what I wrote last night, it's hard to see it in print, and depressing to know that it's accurate.

I'm sure I could manipulate my thoughts & words right now, so that I could essentially deny what I wrote last night.  I could prove, or show, or convince myself somehow that I DO have a life.  Kids, languages, writing, logic, reasoning, philosophy, solving problems, poetry, piano, voice.

But guess what - I've never done what others would call a "bang-up job" at any of those.  Nothing to make a significant difference, to make the world better, to distinguish myself.

Nothing.

I'm not going to go through the list here, and elaborate on how I've mediocratized each one.  I know it inside.

Une verite qui me regarde droit dans les yeux.

Can there be excessive (extreme) mediocrity?  Oh the irony.  (blech)

Heard some political satirist describe a politician as "far center."  Probably Bill Clinton.

So, "FAR MEDIOCRITY" might apply to my life.  Excessively mediocre.

I used to be a bumbling joker.  And now I'm mediocre.

But no.  In many things I'm NOT mediocre.  I'm just half-baked.  Start without a finish.

Well, I'm staring at a diploma on my wall, from the U of Utah, where I was a French student, and the diploma has a "Magna Cum Laude" ribbon attached.  THAT'S not mediocre.

It seems like I'm trying on, for reals, for the very first time, the idea that I, Kenneth Ronald Taylor, am a MCL Graduate.

How that happened in an additional story.  But, as Dr. Pruitt would say, "It DID happen."

And now, after (2016-1978=) 38 years, it's sinking in, in a different & more meaningful way.

Can't help but add, I've been "johnny come lately" to a whole TON of things & events & aha's in my life.  And now I'm "johnny come lately" to my own diploma.

What a helluva mess.

Well....... today is another day.  I'm not as depressed as I was, so there's that.

AND...... in about 16 days, my newest grandson will be born.

I'm so pleased that he'll be (possibly) named after me.  We'll see what Lisa & Rodney decide.

Enough.